Sunday, January 11, 2015

Finding Me

I’ve been through a lot these last few years.  At one point it felt as if each day came with a new nightmare, new lie, new hurt.  I lost everything I counted on, everything I believed to be true.  My happy life built on a solid foundation was really lies piled on sand.

Bad things happen to us all but as long as I had my boys and Garett…well, nothing else compared.  My family was gold.  They were my life, my happiness, my world.

Then Mason left home, as baby birds will do.  That wasn’t the hard part.  It hurts to feel as if I no longer have a place in his life.  As if he doesn’t care to make room for me in his life.  THAT, I was not ready for.  We were so close and I believed we would always be close.  But calls and texts aren’t returned.  He said he would come home for Thanksgiving but went to his wife’s aunt’s home instead and only dropped by for a short visit before returning to his home out of state.  And although my heart hurt, like The GivingTree, I understood and was grateful for the time I had with us all together.  The real hurt came with these words from him, “I don’t need anything from you”.  It was the way he said it.  As if I didn’t matter.  I have abandonment issues… hurt and betrayed by my mother, husband, best friend.  So maybe I took these words the wrong way.  Still, they hurt.

Chance still lives with me.  I cannot express how much he has been my rock through these years.  He is patient, kind and knows my pain because he lives it too.  I have told him I do not want to hold him back.  He will need to leave the nest too someday and that’s ok.  It’s what all baby birds must do.  I will be ok.

I spent a very long time in a very deep depression.  It was hard on me because it’s not my personality.  I’m annoyingly optimistic, grateful, believing I don’t need stuff or money.  I only need my family to be happy….  Then it was all gone.  I lost my husband, best friend, mother, family, security, faith, optimism.  Left with this deep depression taunting me to end my pain by ending my life…that’s how the enemy works…with lies. 

I’m ashamed to say, at one time, I believed I had nothing to be grateful for.  I hated my life.  I had so many unanswered questions.  I hurt all the time.  Truth...  Not everything was taken away.  God refused to leave me even while I yelled at Him like an ungrateful brat.

Slowly, I dusted off my keys to happiness and started to be grateful for what I do have. Life is not perfect.  Things go wrong.  But I’m now finding my way back to me and finding something good in every situation. 

I may not have everything I want today but I do have everything I need.

0 Friends Commented: