Monday, October 6, 2014

Just like that it was over.  He left me.  No warning.  My life changed forever.  I was no one’s wife.

I was left alone, depressed, scared.  He wasn’t just my husband; he was my best friend, lover, my world.  I trusted him with my life and he ripped it to pieces.  My past felt like a lie.  My future…unknown.

As with any huge obstacle in life, it’s best to take one day at a time, one baby step at a time. 

I went through each room cleaning floor to ceiling and wall to wall.  I wanted no trace of him at all.  At first it started out as packing up his stuff (which he never came to get). 

I then re-arranged furniture in a different place because I didn’t want him to be able to imagine our home.  And now he can’t.  Every room is different from what it was when he lived here.  He never let me move things where I wanted and it felt so good to look back at each room with satisfaction. 

I went room to room taking inventory of the things that filled my heart with joy and things that filled it with yuck.  If it didn’t bring me joy it went in the garbage.

I learned a lot about Garett while cleaning and cleansing my home.  This was not his first affair.  He had been planning to move this one here for some time.  While the bookshelf we once shared held my self help books and having a closer relationship with God and my family; his books were all get rich quick and how to make money through different means … none having to do with hard work.  There was more but I can’t bring myself to share that at this moment.

Every wall wiped down, every carpet, floor and window cleaned.  Furniture moved.  Even the toaster had a new home. 

This was the first step to putting the pieces of my life back together.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

It’s been a year since you said you made a huge mistake and want me back.  Yet you are still living with her and her kid!  Nothing about that says you love me or regret your choices.

There was a time in my life I believed EVERY word you said.  Now I know better.

I forgive you for walking out on me.  That doesn’t mean I will ever let you back into my life.  (Fool me once and all that)  Maybe if you had treated me with honesty and compassion.  Even to this day you still lie to me and about me, steal money from me… still no honesty, compassion.  So why would I want you back?

You think just because you say you love me I’m going to fall to pieces and welcome you back with open arms?  NO.  I want more than words.  I want so much more than you have ever given me. 

We were not meant to be forever… or we would still be together.  I’m not angry or trying to punish you in any way.  It’s not about you.  This is about me.  Loving myself enough not to settle.

I stopped waiting for you a long time ago.  I’m still trying to heal from all the lies.  Trying to find myself without the titles – mom, wife. 

I only want to be treated with fairness, honesty, compassion.  I want what is written in the divorce you wanted.  Please just give me the peace I have given you.