I’ve had love and lost love. It hurts. So why do I hurt myself more?
I feel unworthy of
love or happiness of any kind. As far
back as I can remember I was used, molested and felt dirty. I never imagined myself married with
children, happy but that’s what happened… but it was a lie.
I am not the kind of
woman to close my heart off… turn cold, build a wall, pretend I don’t
care. I leave myself open to love… and
I am not vindictive. Never have been. Once it’s over it’s over why waste energy on
hate or “getting even”. I’ve always just
walked away, eventually wishing the other well.
So why can I wish them
peace, love and happiness so easily while hurting myself at the same time?
I have so many great qualities that mean nothing to the world.
I’m smart, funny, forgiving, honest.
I give my all to a man never wanting him to feel anything but good about
himself. Never letting him forget he is
loved. …. Eventually he feels so good
about himself he walks out for something better.
All the world sees is
this shell. It’s ugly. Literally ugly. I am the most unattractive woman you will
ever see. Not one good physical
feature. Sad really because I’m filled
with so much beauty.
I hate myself. I punish myself for never being good
enough. So I give into my depression and
have another drink. I’ll pick up my bag
of optimism tomorrow, as I always do.
Hoping again for a reason.