Saturday, September 6, 2014

Hate and Hurt

I’ve had love and lost love.  It hurts.  So why do I hurt myself more? 

I feel unworthy of love or happiness of any kind.  As far back as I can remember I was used, molested and felt dirty.  I never imagined myself married with children, happy but that’s what happened… but it was a lie.

I am not the kind of woman to close my heart off… turn cold, build a wall, pretend I don’t care.  I leave myself open to love… and hurt.

I am not vindictive.  Never have been.  Once it’s over it’s over why waste energy on hate or “getting even”.  I’ve always just walked away, eventually wishing the other well.

So why can I wish them peace, love and happiness so easily while hurting myself at the same time?

I have so many great qualities that mean nothing to the world.  I’m smart, funny, forgiving, honest.  I give my all to a man never wanting him to feel anything but good about himself.  Never letting him forget he is loved.  …. Eventually he feels so good about himself he walks out for something better.

All the world sees is this shell.  It’s ugly.  Literally ugly.  I am the most unattractive woman you will ever see.  Not one good physical feature.  Sad really because I’m filled with so much beauty.

I hate myself.  I punish myself for never being good enough.  So I give into my depression and have another drink.  I’ll pick up my bag of optimism tomorrow, as I always do.  Hoping again for a reason.

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