Saturday, February 2, 2013

When did THAT Happen?

I don't know when it happened.  Maybe because I've have been SO incredibly busy for the last couple of weeks, completely emotionally and physically exhausted by the end of the day with no time to think about the last few months of shit day after shit day.

Today was slow and lazy by comparison - shoveling driveway, running errands, paying bills, chores around house, picking up Tyson's crap (literally) from the yard.  

Then.... laundry.  I love the smell and feel of clean cloths. Just don't like washing them so much. (I've told you, I'm complicated).

While I was loading the laundry, thinking of the next thing I have to do before the end of the night, it hit me.  I don't miss him.

I no longer cry for him, think of him, miss him, want him... I don't even remember the last time I did.  

I don't miss my past life or what could have been for our future as a family.

What that lowlife coward did will NEVER be ok.  What he did to me, to his family, was SO WRONG.  He created a million little scars all over me, making one huge, raw mess all over my body, heart, soul.

He rearranged my past and left my future blank, dark, scary.  Leaving me to wonder if any part of my life was ever even real.  Wondering how this will effect my boys as men/fathers.  Hoping they will NEVER do this to their families.

But I'm done.  I will NEVER let that man steal one more day from me!  I will NOT spend one more day in bed crying.  NEVER spend one more day at my desk in tears, running to the bathroom before anyone notices the mess I had become. 

I will forgive him eventually because the Bible tells me so - just as Jesus has forgiven me, I must forgive him.... but not today (what can I say, I'm far from perfect).

But it's over now.  His power over me is OVER!  I'm moving on.  I no longer struggle to keep the hurt and tears from taking over my day.  I'm creating my own future. Building my own solid foundation.  

I still ache for a man in my life to love me.  What can I say, I'm lonely... no idea how long that will last. 

I do miss when my boys where little guys.  I will always miss that.  Being mom to those little monkeys and teaching them something new every day - that was the very best part of my life.  There are more memories to come.  More teaching... still to my boys and now my sweet little granddaughter, Nora (4 months).

Continuing to move on.  Trying to remember to let no one influence my level of happiness.  Each day is what I make of it.  I may not be completely happy or at peace but I'm on my way!...   life is what we make of it, after all.

1 Friends Commented:

thisisme said...

Good for you Mona! This post makes me happy that you now feel that YOU are in control. You are certainly in control of your future, and you have that beautiful little granddaughter now, which is such a blessing.
Don't let your fear of the past affect the presence of your future. Live for what tomorrow has to bring, not what yesterday has taken away.