Saturday, February 2, 2013

I don't know when it happened.  Maybe because I've have been SO incredibly busy for the last couple of weeks, completely emotionally and physically exhausted by the end of the day with no time to think about the last few months of shit day after shit day.

Today was slow and lazy by comparison - shoveling driveway, running errands, paying bills, chores around house, picking up Tyson's crap (literally) from the yard.  

Then.... laundry.  I love the smell and feel of clean cloths. Just don't like washing them so much. (I've told you, I'm complicated).

While I was loading the laundry, thinking of the next thing I have to do before the end of the night, it hit me.  I don't miss him.

I no longer cry for him, think of him, miss him, want him... I don't even remember the last time I did.  

I don't miss my past life or what could have been for our future as a family.

What that lowlife coward did will NEVER be ok.  What he did to me, to his family, was SO WRONG.  He created a million little scars all over me, making one huge, raw mess all over my body, heart, soul.

He rearranged my past and left my future blank, dark, scary.  Leaving me to wonder if any part of my life was ever even real.  Wondering how this will effect my boys as men/fathers.  Hoping they will NEVER do this to their families.

But I'm done.  I will NEVER let that man steal one more day from me!  I will NOT spend one more day in bed crying.  NEVER spend one more day at my desk in tears, running to the bathroom before anyone notices the mess I had become. 

I will forgive him eventually because the Bible tells me so - just as Jesus has forgiven me, I must forgive him.... but not today (what can I say, I'm far from perfect).

But it's over now.  His power over me is OVER!  I'm moving on.  I no longer struggle to keep the hurt and tears from taking over my day.  I'm creating my own future. Building my own solid foundation.  

I still ache for a man in my life to love me.  What can I say, I'm lonely... no idea how long that will last. 

I do miss when my boys where little guys.  I will always miss that.  Being mom to those little monkeys and teaching them something new every day - that was the very best part of my life.  There are more memories to come.  More teaching... still to my boys and now my sweet little granddaughter, Nora (4 months).

Continuing to move on.  Trying to remember to let no one influence my level of happiness.  Each day is what I make of it.  I may not be completely happy or at peace but I'm on my way!...   life is what we make of it, after all.

Friday, February 1, 2013

People kept telling me, "Just wait until the holidays are over.  Everything will get better."

I would think, "The holidays don't matter!  I will still be alone long after all the lights and pretty ornaments have been taken down and put away".

Since then, our family's birthdays have come and gone. The holiday hustle - over.  New Year's Eve kisses.... didn't happen.  .... And I survived!  It wasn't easy.  It wasn't pretty.  I cried A LOT.  Suicide even sneaked into my thoughts. (I'll get deep on that another day)... but I'm still here.

Time moved on and the world didn't stop just because my tiny piece of it is in crumbs in the garbage.  I'm just trying my best here, putting one foot in front of the other and "moving on".  Whatever THAT means.

Today was another busy day...long, exhausting.  Then it hit me...I'm actually feeling better then I have felt in months. I feel lifted, surrounded by light and love.  I'm going to be OK.  I truly believe it now.  I can finally FEEL it in my heart.

I will be that woman I want to be.  I will be strong

I just gotta get through one more holiday.