Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Pieces of Me

I’m raw and fragile; hiding from the world.  Pieces on the floor.  Fighting this deep dark lonely depression.

Scared of a future I can’t see. Scared of being alone.

I feel so fake and phony as I go through my day.  Fake smiles as I say, “Good Morning”.  Then they ask, “How are you?”

“Fine”, I say with a smile, as my heart bleeds a little more and I try to make a quick get away before the tears come.  Before I start blurting out all the sadness my heart holds:  my nest is almost empty, my marriage over, my soul aching and alone.

What will bring me the peace, love and happiness my soul desires?    
1 – Loving myself again
2 – Remembering my Keys to Happiness
3 – A man to share my life

How do I achieve?
Get my shit together.  Work on my mind, body, soul and home.  They have all been beaten down and broken.  They all need special care, major fixing up.

Mind – Learn something new/take a class, update resume, look for new job.
Body – Eat better, exercise, lose weight, join group, maybe self defense class.
Soul – Read Bible, have faith that there is a reason for all of this.
Home – Clean up and clear out, remove every bit of him.

A man once told me “A need makes a man weak”.  I started thinking of all my “needs”.  I took a look in the mirror and thought, “Who do I want to be this time next year?”  "A stronger woman", I answered back.  Each day, each decision should bring me closer to that woman – a woman without needs. 

When negative thoughts enter my mind I will change it immediately.  Focus on my plan to get back to good.  This will be a continuous effort until it isn’t necessary...no matter how long it takes.

Love will find me when I’m ready.  I have to believe that.  Until then, I know what I want and I’ll be ready to recognize when a good man enters my life.

I have a lot to offer.  I now realize I deserve so much more than any man has given me.  No time for games, hurt, lies, abuse.  I'm looking for a real, true, loving man.  Someone who accepts my imperfections as I accept his.

I have given up too many pieces of me.  Never again.  Next time it will be to a man who loves me as much as I love him.  

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