Monday, January 7, 2013

Not Good Enough

I’m a good woman:     
      ·   Faithful
       ·   Loving
       ·   Kind
       ·   Forgiving
       ·   Awesome Mother
       ·   Plan on being the best grandmother
       ·   Clean
       ·   Good Cook
       ·   Fucking Hilarious! 
       ·   Low Maintenance
       ·   Honest
       ·   Giving
       ·   Trusting
       ·   Not Materialistic
       ·   Devoted
       ·   Not Easily Offended
       ·   Optimistic (although not half as much as I used to be)

So why am I never good enough?  Why can’t a man be faithful to ME?  Why am I so unworthy of love and devotion?  Why am I sitting alone at this very moment?  What is wrong with me?

Every night I lay my head on my pillow ALONE.  Every night I’m reminded that I’m just not good enough.  Every day it’s harder to get out of bed.  I’ve never been in such a deep depression, hurt, loss.

Every man that has come into my life has used me, lied to me, cheated on me, called me hurtful names, told me I was no good. 

From a very young age there was something about me that led men to believe it was ok to sexually abuse me.  That it was ok to touch me without my permission.

My mother knew, yet never protected me. 

At 41 I FINALLY felt safe.  But it was all a lie. 

And still, all I want is to be loved.  All I want is a reason to get up tomorrow.
 

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