Sunday, January 20, 2013

Depression So Deep

I’ll never understand where I went wrong.  I loved my life.  I was a kick ass mom, a good wife.  A faithful woman.  I raised good men.  Have a clean home.  Good cook. 

Never would I have believed I was married to a deadbeat dad.  I STILL can’t believe he was lying and cheating for over a year and could just walk out and walk away without a glance back.

Although I am over him and do not want him back in any way, I’m not over the betrayal.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get over all the lies and sudden abandonment.  I don’t know if I can ever get over him not being there for me when I needed him.

How can I ever trust my own instincts again?  Betrayed by a man who has known me for over half my life and I never saw it coming.  A man I loved with all my heart.  A man I believed in with every part of myself. 

Used by my mother, yet again.  The one person in the world who is supposed to love and protect you with all that they are.

Broken down by these two people.  The most important people.  People who should have stood by me no matter what.

So I start thinking… It must be ME.  What did I do so wrong?  I must have done something terrible for these two people to hurt me so badly.  I must be a truly awful human being. 

Maybe I did nothing.  Maybe I’m just not worthy of love

I’m scared that is the real truth.  Unloved, unwanted, and I will spend the rest of my life alone. 

I don’t even know how I’m going to take care of myself.  I’m not afraid of hard work.  I’m afraid of not being able to find work.  I've been looking for another job with no luck.

Everything that meant everything to me is gone.  Mason, Mandy and Nora are now living in Ohio.  It’s as if Garett never existed.  Chance is planning his future (as he should) and excited to be leaving the nest as soon as he graduates this spring.

Left with this empty, lonely feeling.  This deep depression. 

Wondering who am I?  Not a mom of boys.  Not a wife.  Not … anything.  What am I doing here?

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