Thursday, January 31, 2013

It's kinda late.  I should be in bed.  Had a long day.

Actually, it's been a really long week... few months.  I don't know.  

Kinda rambling as I'm a bit exhausted.  These past few weeks have been a bit crazy busy.  You know, I miss my boring days.  I wonder if life will ever be peaceful and boring again.

I had a late night at work (conferences).  I got to see a lot of people.  People asking how things are going.  Wish I had something great to tell people.... like a new love, job... lotto win... something GOOD.  But nah, it's just the same shit.

I am feeling better though.  That's actually BIG news as I've been really sick and sad for a long time.  Tonight made me realize what my brother has been telling me for months - I need to get out of the house and start seeing people socially.

I'm a home body.  I enjoy being at home...quiet, lazy days. 

These walls hold my past.  It was beautiful.  It will always be back there to peek at every now and then.

But if I'm to have all my heart desires, I need to start picking myself up and moving on.  Who knows, maybe I'll find a guy who loves being a home body too.... I just gotta LEAVE home to find him first.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

I’ll never understand where I went wrong.  I loved my life.  I was a kick ass mom, a good wife.  A faithful woman.  I raised good men.  Have a clean home.  Good cook. 

Never would I have believed I was married to a deadbeat dad.  I STILL can’t believe he was lying and cheating for over a year and could just walk out and walk away without a glance back.

Although I am over him and do not want him back in any way, I’m not over the betrayal.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get over all the lies and sudden abandonment.  I don’t know if I can ever get over him not being there for me when I needed him.

How can I ever trust my own instincts again?  Betrayed by a man who has known me for over half my life and I never saw it coming.  A man I loved with all my heart.  A man I believed in with every part of myself. 

Used by my mother, yet again.  The one person in the world who is supposed to love and protect you with all that they are.

Broken down by these two people.  The most important people.  People who should have stood by me no matter what.

So I start thinking… It must be ME.  What did I do so wrong?  I must have done something terrible for these two people to hurt me so badly.  I must be a truly awful human being. 

Maybe I did nothing.  Maybe I’m just not worthy of love

I’m scared that is the real truth.  Unloved, unwanted, and I will spend the rest of my life alone. 

I don’t even know how I’m going to take care of myself.  I’m not afraid of hard work.  I’m afraid of not being able to find work.  I've been looking for another job with no luck.

Everything that meant everything to me is gone.  Mason, Mandy and Nora are now living in Ohio.  It’s as if Garett never existed.  Chance is planning his future (as he should) and excited to be leaving the nest as soon as he graduates this spring.

Left with this empty, lonely feeling.  This deep depression. 

Wondering who am I?  Not a mom of boys.  Not a wife.  Not … anything.  What am I doing here?

Saturday, January 19, 2013

The part that hurts the worst is that he doesn't even have contact with our boys.  He acts as if the past 22 years never happened.  As if we no longer matter.  As if he doesn't even know me.  As if I’M the other woman, some crazy stalker.

The day after he left, he started providing for a piece of trash and her 12 year old daughter, moving them in from out of state.  Has not given one dime to me or our son (still living at home) until ordered by the court to do so...and that took fucking forever.

I want answers from him.  Why did he did he lie for SO long?  How could he just walk out?  How could he do this to our family?  Why doesn't he answer calls or texts from the boys?  Why didn't he give me the chance to make him happy and save our family? Was it all a lie?  Was any of it real?

I want answers from myself.  How could I have been fooled for so long?  How could I not see the lies?  Was he ever the man I thought he was?  How could I have been so wrong, so gullible?  Will I ever be able to trust my instincts again?  Why did I trust him to take care of me? 

He should have given me a heads up.  He took care of everything.  didn't even know who our satellite provider was.  I feel so stupid.  I gave up my independence.  Giving my all to him.

Now I'm left with nothing.  Feeling stupid, insecure, lonely. Embarrassed to say, I've had to learn how to take care of myself... and still learning.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Many men have let me down.  I've been lied to, hurt, sexually abused, emotionally fucked over.  I have been beaten down so badly that I no longer know who I am.  I can no longer trust my own instincts to make the right decisions.

I have two great sons - Mason (21) and Chance (18). They have grown to be wonderful men.  I'm so very proud of them.

I am the oldest of three.  I have two much younger brothers - Jesse (7 years younger) and Justin (17 years younger).  

I love them so very much and I'm so grateful that all these men are in my life.  They have stood strong around me, especially during this emotional time.  I know I can always count on them.

Happy Birthday, Jesse!  You'll always be my little brother.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

I take partial responsibility for my marriage falling apart.  I obviously did something that made my husband turn to someone else. 

However, I will NOT take ANY responsibility for my marriage ending.  That is 100% on Garett’s conscience (not that he has one).

I humbled myself to him.  Begged him to come back to our family.  I would have done anything to keep our marriage from ending.

I would have worked on our broken vows.  Worked on forgiving and moving on.  Gone to counseling. 

Who knows, maybe it still would not have been enough to keep us together.  After 22 years together, I deserved the chance to make it right. 

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I believed in my life.  Now I'm doubting it. Wondering if the past 22 years were even real.

I was a kick ass mom.  I’m STILL a kick ass mom.

I thought I was a good wife.  I WAS A GOOD WIFE. 

My dad told me never to put too much pressure on Garett for anything – being responsible for a family was pressure enough.  I listened to his advice.

I never asked Garett for anything… dinners, vacations, furniture, money for cloths, to get my hair done, or stuff for the house.  I saved as much money as I could throughout the school year and used that for spending money during the summer.  Money I spent on the boys.  Money I used to buy new school cloths. 

When the boys were little guys, I would send them to their room before Garett came home so he could come home to a quiet house, take off his work boots and unwind before the boys came rushing out to greet him.

I would massage his shoulders, back and feet.

I would massage his ego… I guess a little too much because he eventually believed more of himself than he should.

I truly thought he was a good man.  He coached Mason.  He was there for all his sporting events. 

I thought he was a good husband.  He always had a job and provided for his family.

I mistook his quiet personality for shy.

I didn’t see how deceitful he is.

He faked each day for over a year - telling me he loved me, kissing my forehead before he went to work, laughing with me, holding my hand, making love.  ALL A LIE.  He later confessed, during that whole time he was cheating on me.

I didn’t see the coward he is.

We had a get together one night and the next day he tells me he’s leaving me.  Two days later he left and never looked back.  He wouldn’t return texts, my calls went straight to voicemail and he would not return my messages.

He stopped providing for our family.  Stopped paying utilities, house payment, car. 

He moved his girlfriend and her 12 year old daughter from another state to ours and set them all up in a new home.

All this during the summer months when I had no money of my own coming in.

I’m embarrassed to say, I begged him to come back to me.  I promised to change anything and everything about myself that wasn’t pleasing to him.  I meant it to.  I was ready to do whatever he wanted.

My vows meant everything to me.  My family meant everything to me.  He meant everything to me.  He was my best friend.  My rock.

Chance caught me crying uncontrollably.  He yelled, “Why are you crying over him?”

“Because I miss him!” I yelled back.

Then catching me off guard, he said, “You miss the man you THOUGHT he was.  Not the shit he really is”.

I kept on crying.  Crying because it hit me that my son no longer respected his father.  Crying because this was the first time he cursed in front of me. Crying because I knew his words were true.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

I’m raw and fragile; hiding from the world.  Pieces on the floor.  Fighting this deep dark lonely depression.

Scared of a future I can’t see. Scared of being alone.

I feel so fake and phony as I go through my day.  Fake smiles as I say, “Good Morning”.  Then they ask, “How are you?”

“Fine”, I say with a smile, as my heart bleeds a little more and I try to make a quick get away before the tears come.  Before I start blurting out all the sadness my heart holds:  my nest is almost empty, my marriage over, my soul aching and alone.

What will bring me the peace, love and happiness my soul desires?    
1 – Loving myself again
2 – Remembering my Keys to Happiness
3 – A man to share my life

How do I achieve?
Get my shit together.  Work on my mind, body, soul and home.  They have all been beaten down and broken.  They all need special care, major fixing up.

Mind – Learn something new/take a class, update resume, look for new job.
Body – Eat better, exercise, lose weight, join group, maybe self defense class.
Soul – Read Bible, have faith that there is a reason for all of this.
Home – Clean up and clear out, remove every bit of him.

A man once told me “A need makes a man weak”.  I started thinking of all my “needs”.  I took a look in the mirror and thought, “Who do I want to be this time next year?”  "A stronger woman", I answered back.  Each day, each decision should bring me closer to that woman – a woman without needs. 

When negative thoughts enter my mind I will change it immediately.  Focus on my plan to get back to good.  This will be a continuous effort until it isn’t matter how long it takes.

Love will find me when I’m ready.  I have to believe that.  Until then, I know what I want and I’ll be ready to recognize when a good man enters my life.

I have a lot to offer.  I now realize I deserve so much more than any man has given me.  No time for games, hurt, lies, abuse.  I'm looking for a real, true, loving man.  Someone who accepts my imperfections as I accept his.

I have given up too many pieces of me.  Never again.  Next time it will be to a man who loves me as much as I love him.  

Monday, January 14, 2013

I didn't give up on love. It gave up on me.

I don’t think I've ever been truly deeply loved by a man. Sure I've been cared for but I have never been someone’s one and only. Something else always came first...drugs, alcohol, sluts.

It’s my fault. I settled. My husband was never romantic. I excused it as it just being his personality. In reality if a man truly loves you he will show he only has you on his mind. You'll feel his love and never doubt it.

I hope never to be fooled by a man’s sweet words or soft kisses and remember his actions (or lack of) matter too.

The way he loved me wasn't good enough. I won’t settle ever again.

My Love:
            ·    Honest
            ·    Loving
            ·    Protective
            ·    Patient
            ·    Open
            ·    Intelligent
            ·    Kind
            ·    Strong
            ·    Witty
            ·    Romantic
            ·    Humble
            ·    Faithful
            ·    Patriotic
            ·    Dog lover
            ·    Man of faith
            ·    Not afraid to be a dork
       ·    Accepts me with all my flaws

I want to be someone’s priority.  I want someone to think of me and just can’t help but smile.

I want to hold hands, be held close, feel safe, kissed, loved, made love to.

I want to share our days, life, hopes, dreams.

I want to be loved. I want someone to count on. I want someone to believe in.

I want a love like that.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Funny how fast so much has changed in my life. Just two short years ago I knew exactly who I was, what I wanted. 

My life was everything I wanted it to be. My family meant everything to me. I loved me.

Now... I'm broken, disappointed, abandoned, wrecked... alone.

Garett, the man I thought could do no wrong, has done the unthinkable.

Mason is now 21, married (to Mandy) with a 3 month old daughter (Nora) of his own.  He is still in college and working full time.

Chance is now 18. He's a senior in high school. He is also taking college classes.

Although my boys have grown up and stopped needing me, I'm so very proud of them and the men they are becoming. 

EVERYTHING in my life has changed. My boys no longer need me. Garett has been living with trash (supporting her and her 12 year old daughter).  Losing my family, my marriage, my sense of self, my home.

So I was a little complicated. I was still the most optimistic person you ever met. I was happy. I had so much gratitude

Now I've turned into that ugly, negative person I've always been so annoyed by.

Depressed. Lonely. No hope. No future. No love. No family. Nothing.      

So now what? .... I have no idea.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Hi. I’m Mona. Welcome to my blog. I’m a 41 year old, working, married, mom of two boys and a 2 year old Doberman.  (It all started HERE)

My family means everything to me.

Garett 2006
Garett – My husband. I’ve known him for over 20 years. We’ve been married for 17. We started the whole Brad and Angelina thing – kids before marriage.

Chance and Mason
Mason – 20, now living on his own. He's a working college junior.

Chance – 17, now driving on his own. He's a high school junior.

Tyson 2009
Tyson – our 2 year old Doberman. 

Payton 2009
We had to have our 7 year old Doberman, Payton*, euthanized because of bone cancer. The hardest thing ever. Tyson really has helped the healing and fill the quiet that remained.

This fall I started my 11th year working at a public school. Although, I've worked in many positions and in different buildings, I am now the attendance clerk at an elementary school. I love my job… and not for the summers off.

People always ask so I'll answer…

Yes, I'm done having kids and Yes, I am more than OK with not having a girl. I love my boys…I really can't imagine how a girl would fit in with all the wrestling, farts, burps, and testicle jokes…. and those are just the ones that come from me.

*Payton: 2002-2009, I still miss him.

Monday, January 7, 2013

I’m a good woman:     
      ·   Faithful
       ·   Loving
       ·   Kind
       ·   Forgiving
       ·   Awesome Mother
       ·   Plan on being the best grandmother
       ·   Clean
       ·   Good Cook
       ·   Fucking Hilarious! 
       ·   Low Maintenance
       ·   Honest
       ·   Giving
       ·   Trusting
       ·   Not Materialistic
       ·   Devoted
       ·   Not Easily Offended
       ·   Optimistic (although not half as much as I used to be)

So why am I never good enough?  Why can’t a man be faithful to ME?  Why am I so unworthy of love and devotion?  Why am I sitting alone at this very moment?  What is wrong with me?

Every night I lay my head on my pillow ALONE.  Every night I’m reminded that I’m just not good enough.  Every day it’s harder to get out of bed.  I’ve never been in such a deep depression, hurt, loss.

Every man that has come into my life has used me, lied to me, cheated on me, called me hurtful names, told me I was no good. 

From a very young age there was something about me that led men to believe it was ok to sexually abuse me.  That it was ok to touch me without my permission.

My mother knew, yet never protected me. 

At 41 I FINALLY felt safe.  But it was all a lie. 

And still, all I want is to be loved.  All I want is a reason to get up tomorrow.