Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Monday 7/16/12

I’ve always been scared to have surgery.  I thought I would never wake up and die on the table.  Nice thoughts, huh?

Chance dropped me off and I walked in alone….and cried.  I had been there for his surgeries, worried, waiting, ready to take care of him.  Where was he?  With his whore.

Before being admitted my mom showed up and stayed to take me home.

I felt numb as they worked to get me ready.  All I could think about was Garett.

I started to cry.  The nurse said, “Oh, don’t worry honey.  Everyone gets nervous before surgery”.  But that wasn’t the reason I was crying.

I couldn’t believe he wasn’t there for me.  How much more pain did he want to cause me?

While in the operating room they put the mask over my nose and mouth.  I was out.

I vaguely remember the nurse close to my face as I opened my eyes.  I asked her, “Did my husband call?”

She shook her head, “I’m sorry. No.”

I cried and again I was out.

My next memory was being at home surrounded by family – Mason, Mandy, Jesse, Stephanie & kids, Chance and my mom.  I felt loved and it felt good.

I don’t remember putting on my cloths, leaving the hospital, the drive home, stopping for pain meds.  It was the only time I didn’t think of Garett.  Well, maybe I did but I don’t remember.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Wed 7/11/12
I woke up at 3:30AM.  I couldn't sleep so I got up thinking I’d get wiped out and eventually fall asleep.  (I ended up staying up until after 5am Thurs)

I sent him a text at 7AM. Again, no answer.

I sent him a few more texts with no reply.

I actually started to worry.  I started calling him at 11AM.  I called him about 8 times before he sent me a text: 
I will talk to u Monday night. I’m in Wisconsin right now. (with her)

I called him again – straight to voicemail.

I sent him a text:
U called her when you were here. U can call me now that ur there. So please call me.

No answer.

Another text:

U said u would ALWAYS b there 4me. Was that another lie? Call me please.

No answer.

I called and called.  He finally answered. 

Again, I promised the world to him.  He said he didn’t know what he wanted to do.  He was still unsure.  He would see me Monday night and tell me then.

I asked him to call me the next day (Thurs) and let me know.  I couldn’t wait any longer.  The two of them have been playing this game for over a year and I’m not going to wait for them to get done playing house to make up their minds.

He said he’d call… but it was just another lie.

Thurs 7/12/12 
I text him pictures.  One was of a dvd he made me telling how much he loves me. Another card his parents sent us for our anniversary.

No response.

Friday 7/13/12
More calls, texts, begging.  I text him more pictures of our past and how our future holds so much for us.

After many calls, he finally answered.  I begged him to come home for my gall bladder surgery Monday.  He said no.

He said he already paid for a round trip ferry and couldn’t come home until Monday night.

I called bullshit!

“You spent $100 on a ferry to see her but you won’t spend $100 to come home to your family?  Aren’t we worth it?”

“Of course you are.  I just can’t”.

I would later find out why.  SHE and one of her kids were coming back with him.  He didn’t want to leave her.  He wanted her more then he wanted us.

Why does he keep lying to me?  Why does he keep hurting me?