Thursday, July 12, 2012

Sun 7/8/12

Mason and Mandy went to meet my mom and brother, Jesse, for lunch.  Neither Chance nor I wanted to go.  I just couldn’t (still can’t) face people.

I’m just SO embarrassed.  I always talked good about him.  Told everyone how he was the kindest person I’d ever met.  How he was my rock.  How I always felt he was too good for me.  I guess I was right.

After Mason and Mandy came back, got their things and went home, Chance and I were just …. There.  Stunned.  Still crying.  Missing him.

My emotions are all over the place:  Optimistic - I know we can save our marriage, everything will be ok.  Hurt – How could he lie to me for over a year!  How could I EVER trust him again!  How could I ever trust myself again?  Anger – I hate him for what he’s doing to me, our kids, our family.  I just want to punch him in the face.

I found her on Facebook and sent her a message: 
You are breaking up 25 years full of love and laughter. Please leave my husband alone. I’m not giving up on us. I love him. We have 2 kids and a granddaughter on the way. He is going through a mid-life crisis. Please leave my husband alone.
No answer.  Instead she blocked me.  I can no longer see her profile.  It’s actually a blessing.

Garett stopped by after work to pick up some cloths I packed from him.  I couldn’t help myself; I went out to see him.  I guess I was hoping he would hold me and tell me it was all a big mistake… but he didn’t.  Instead he stood there looking off as if I was wasting his time.  Anger rushed over me and I lunged at him, grabbing his shirt and ripping it right off.  I was yelling, crying, making a scene.

After I went inside I immediately felt awful.  I called him.  It took 5 times before he picked up (I don't blame him. I really lost it).  I told him I was sorry. And not his kind of sorry (sorry the way it was done). I was sorry I did it at all.  He thanked me for that.  I told him he had over a year to deal with his emotions.  Mine were new and raw.

Again I begged and again he said no.

I went to bed that night only to toss and turn.  I couldn’t help myself.  I called him.  He said he wanted to move her here to our town, buy a house and get married.  I asked him what the hurry was.  Then it hit me.

“Is she pregnant?”

No answer.

“IS she pregnant?”

No answer.


“No. No.”

I don’t know what to think.  I mean it took him forever to tell me about HER.  I was feeling sick.

I told him I wasn’t going to call him today and he should take this time to REALLY think about what he was doing… but to call me when he missed ME.

I didn’t sleep at all that night.

Mon 7/9/12

I didn’t hear from him all day.  Nothing.

I couldn’t help thinking:  Doesn’t he care how we’re doing?  Do we food?   Do we have money?

Nope.  No concern at all.

I cried all day, and he… who knows.

Tue 7/10/12

I sent him texts.  No reply.  I called.  No answer.  I left a message.  No call.

Again, I cried.

I finally fell asleep sometime after 1AM only to wake up at 3:30AM.  It's now 11:55PM on Wednesday and I have yet to go to bed.... Today was not any better then yesterday or the day before.

In fact, it was much, much worse.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Sat 7/7/12

I woke in Mason’s room and walked toward my room.  As I got there, Garett popped out of the master bath and scared me.  He was supposed to be at work.  He had told me earlier in the week he would be working for the next week/week and a half without a day off.  When I confronted him he lied denying he ever said it.

My gut says he planned on seeing her but for whatever reason changed his mind.

“When are you planning on leaving me?”  Crying.

“I don’t know. Probably after Chance graduates.”  Cold.

“Where are you planning to go?”

“I don’t know”. Cold, flat and cruel.

“What should I do?”  Scared and crying.

“I don’t know”.

“You don’t know what you’re doing to Chance.  He is a mess.  He was crying all night”

“I’ll talk to him”.

He walked out of the house.  He was so cold and cruel as we stood on the deck he had just built.  Then it hit me.  The deck wasn’t for me.  It was to add value to the house.  He was planning to sell our home.

Again, I begged and begged.  I asked why?  “Why would you ask me to invite friends and family over for the 4th if you were only going to leave me the next day?”

“I don’t know”.

“What about our home where we’ve raised our children?”

“That house is hopeless”.  Disgusted.  Almost angry.

“Like our marriage?”

No answer.

“If our home is hopeless.  If our marriage is hopeless. Why don’t you just leave?”

He walked inside and got down on all fours in front of the fan.

“I mean it, Garett”.  If our home and marriage are hopeless why don’t you just leave?  Leave.  Leave right now!”

At that moment I wanted him to hurt.  There he was cold, cruel, pretending I wasn’t there as he tried to get cooled off by the fan.  Insulting our home.  Insulting our marriage.  He needed to go before I kicked him in the face.  And I told him so.

He got a laundry basket and started to pack it with cloths.  He stopped, looking me in the eye for the first time in days.  “Where will I go?”

“Well, Garett, I’ll tell you what you’ve been telling me, I don’t know.  I don’t even know what I’m going to do.  You didn’t care about my future and what I’m supposed to do.”

It’s the only time I saw emotion – fear.  I started to feel a little bad but then … NO.  If his girlfriend lived in the same town he would NOT hesitate to leave me on the spot.  It’s only now that he has nowhere to go that he’s shaking in his shoes.

He left for a 2.5 hr drive to tell his parents.  (Later I would find out THAT was a lie too)

I had to break the news to Mason.  He took it really hard.  I was still a mess and so was Chance.  Hell, we’re all still a mess.

Later, Garett came to get his things.  Mason let him have it (verbally).  I was going to stop it but thought why should I make this easier on Garett.  And Mason isn’t a child.  He’s a 20 yr old man who is going to have a baby girl soon.

God stepped in:  because of the extreme heat for the past few days many areas started to lose power.  Mason and Mandy were one of those home.  So they came to stay here.  I think it was what we all needed.  I slept pretty good that night.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Fri 7/6/12

I couldn’t sleep.  All I could do was cry.  Then somehow sleep came.

I woke up in time to catch Garett before he left for work.  He usually kisses my forehead and tells me he loves me…it hurts to think I’ll never have that again.

I begged him again.  I’ll do anything.  Please don’t leave me. 

He was still as cold as the night before.  He hugged me hard, kissed my neck, told me he loved me and we’d talk when he got home.

Nothing changed when he got home… not my pleas, not his wanting to leave. 

I grabbed his phone and told him I was going to call her.  As I picked it up I saw his text to her right there: I love and miss you too.

He tried to yank it out of my hand and I knew he could so I threw it as hard as I could.  I cried, and cried.  How could he do this to me? To us? To our boys?  To out families?

Chance came out of his room grabbing me, holding me tight and pulling me away from Garett.

I couldn’t breathe.  The room started spinning.  I thought I was going to vomit. Then I thought I was going to pass out.

Chance took me into Mason’s old room and my son, wise beyond his years, said he thought it was best if I stayed in there for the night.

I cried.  Chance cried.  Garett sat in the livingroom drinking beer and watching tv.  Every so often we could hear him laugh.  That hurt me too.  How could he laugh while our family was falling apart?

Monday, July 9, 2012

The real fireworks came the day after the 4th.  I was telling Garett what a great night it was.  I said how we needed a larger table for our growing family.  I told him I wanted to start doing a Sunday dinner and game night.  He said that wouldn't happen.  I asked him why. 

“Because I’m leaving you”.

With those words my world crashed down into bits and pieces on the floor.


“I’m not in love with you anymore”.

I kept asking him if there was someone else and he kept saying no.  He even laughed at me saying, “Who would want me?”

Then came the punch to my gut that ripped out my heart and made me literally want to vomit right where I was.  Yes.  He is seeing someone else.  He didn’t want to tell me until Chance graduated in the spring.  He still wanted to stick to that plan of living together until …. Well, he didn't know.  (I think he DOES KNOW he just doesn't want to share his plans with me)

I cried.  I begged.  “I’ll do anything you want.  I’ll have the lap-band surgery.  I'll get my hair done.  I'll get contacts.  I'll dress better.  I’ll spend more time with you outside.  I’ll do ANYTHING.  Please don’t leave me.  I love you.”

Nothing I said moved him into ANY emotion whatsoever.  I didn’t even recognize this man.

He said he’s been seeing her for over a year and slept with her at their class reunion. 

He said she lived out of state.  He only slept with her that one time and that was the last time he has seen her face to face.  OK, REALLY, who believes that one?  Not me.  You don’t leave 22 yrs of memories for a one time fuck.  My gut says he’s been seeing her A LOT more often then he’s admitting.

I cried the rest of the night while he slept like a baby.

Did I ever really know this man?

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Our 4th was awesome!  Chance had a friend over.  Mason and Mandy came by.  My cousin, his wife and one of their children came over too.

Fireworks were great.  Garett did a great job once again.

After the fireworks my cousin left and the rest of us played Apples to Apples.  It was SO much fun.  We were laughing out asses off.  I laughed so much my stomach was hurting.

What a fun, beautiful night.  It was defiantly one of my favorite memories.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

I love the 4th of July! I love the Flag, Anthem, Pledge. I am proud to be an American.

The only downer is that it marks half of my summer gone. Even though I love my job (elementary school), it will be time to go back to work.

We will be celebrating with our growing family. Chance (17) is having friends over. Mason (20) and his fiancé, Mandy (24), will be coming by. Garett (hubby) will be grilling hamburgers and hot dogs - American favorite.

Wishing you all, American or not, a beautiful day!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

I moved around A LOT as a kid.  I can drive my kids past most of the houses we lived in (I’ll have to go to a couple of states); but I will never be able to walk them through and SHOW them the paint on the walls and were we ate, played, lived.

As an adult I only wanted to stay in one place; have my kids go to the same school from elementary through graduation.  So far we’ve done that. (Well, almost – C will be a senior this fall).

I just want a life of peace, love and happiness.  I just want to be treated with respect.  I want to be treated with care, a delicate piece of china - OK, maybe that’s going too far.

I’ve always said our home is our safe place.  Inside these walls we can be who we are – good, bad, ugly days.  This is where we express our hopes, dreams, fears, anger even.  No judgment.  Just love and the best advice we can give.

The world can be awful and mean.  It can turn on you in a second.  People can be fake, phony, cruel.  When we are home we shut out all that garbage. 

Here we can get angry and disagree but NEVER should we treat each other with disrespect.  Never should we use mean, hateful, hurtful words or actions toward each other.  We face enough of that in the world.  This is the one place we should not have to deal with the nastiness of life.

I want what I think everyone wants - to be able to provide for our family, to have a happy home.  No drama.  Just peace.

Like everyone, we have our good times and bad.  I wish for our boys mostly good times and all the love, laughter and understanding to get them through the bad.