Saturday, November 24, 2012

Tough Questions, No Answers


My emotions are all over the place.  I’m back to not sleeping.  My hair falling out again.  Not eating – that part I’m not minding so much.  (I’m down 60 lbs since July)

Things have never been right between my mother and me.  Now all this shit with Garett.  All I keep thinking is, “If my own mother can’t love me, who will?  If this person I've known for over half my life has lied, hurt, betrayed and abandoned me, who will treat me better?  These two people were supposed to love, protect and stand by me no matter what.  Supposed to love me no matter what.  They were the two most important people in my life. People I trusted with all my heart.  If they couldn't love me…. Who will?  Will anyone ever love me?  Am I even worthy of love?”

I feel myself changing.  Becoming cold.  Welcoming the cold.  Hoping it embraces me and keeps the pain out.  Hope it puts a guard around me. Because my instincts aren't working so well.  I can’t trust myself to put my trust in the right people.  To give my heart to the right man.  To know a liar when I see one.

Although I’m hurt, just wrecked really, I want NOTHING to do with either one of them.

Neither deserves my thoughts, hate, tears.

As always, it’s my boys who keep me going.  If they weren't in my life…. I just don’t know.  I’m so depressed now…. I can’t imagine how my life would be without them.

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