Tuesday, November 27, 2012

My Apologies

My emotions have been all over the place for the past few months.

Garett is gone from my home…mind.  I no longer think of him every moment of every day.  No longer hope to be with him. Only hope he’ll soon be out of my memories as I am from his.

Enough time has passed. So you’d think I’d be emotionally solid…. Nope.

I’m still broken. Not because I want him back in my life. I’m hurt that he lied, betrayed, abandoned me. A human being who was supposed to LOVE me, care for me, protect me, went out of his way to do the exact opposite.  Yes, I say “went out of his way” as if to imply his actions were intentional. They were intentional.  He lied and cheated for OVER a year - he admitted it. Each day that went by was intentionally filled with lies.

And I’m left with a huge mess of emotions. 

Angry – he wronged me so deep, so cold and cruel. Just walked away and started a new life. It was supposed to be US growing old together.
Scared – trying to find a second job with no luck because the economy sucks and I’m not as young as I used to be. 
Lonely – the Good Guy Pool sucks and I’m not as young as I used to be. 
Overwhelmed – learning to do all the things Garett took care of (then angry because he didn’t show me how to do stuff, he didn’t give me a heads up that he wanted out of our marriage)
Stressed – because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here, how to do it, where to start.

Rejected, depressed, lost. Then I get angry again because I never signed up to do any of this alone.  Then guilt because there are women out there who have it worse than I do.  So I tell myself to suck it up!

I also have moments of feeling good - good day at work (highly productive), errands, gas, groceries, dinner, dishes, dog stuff, laundry, clean up yard (dog poop), tv with Chance, balance accounts, bills paid, paperwork complete, walk, read, bed….. That’s a good day.  It’s happened… and when it does I feel pretty good...accomplished, strong.

Icing - receiving a call or texts from that someone special, having him say he's been thinking of me, being safe in his arms… oh, that would make it the perfect day…sigh...will be a LONG wait....making me super sad and lonely again.

Until I get some better days, please forgive my bumpy emotions.

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