Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Fatigued and Overwhelmed

I don’t know how much more I can take.  I’m so sad, lonely, completely overwhelmed.  I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here.

Everything is so draining…endless paperwork for this, that; moving (twice – an update later).  Hurt, betrayed, abandoned.  He has stopped paying for mortgage, car, utilities, even the garbage.

I have had to study car maintenance…what needs to be done, when and about how much it should cost (so I’m not screwed over).  Hauling out the garbage in the cold windy rain at night.  Now I have a fucking mouse – REALLY!!!  Had to buy a trap and set up… wanting to catch it… dreading having to get rid of it.

I HATE THIS!!! I’m so tired. I’m so lonely.  I miss having a man in my life.  I miss being in arms and feeling safe, warm.  I miss telling someone I love them… I miss being loved.

He is still MY husband yet he’s living with another woman and her child.  As if we never existed.  As if the last 22 years never happened. 

He owed me a second chance to make him happy.  We made promises before God, our family, and friends. 

I knew he was unhappy with his job.  He was upset with our lack of money.  (It never bothered me because I had my family)  He NEVER told me he was unhappy with me or our marriage.

Garett took care of me.  I let him do it.  Then he left and I had no idea about any of our finances.  I knew NOTHING… year of my car, utility companies.  I didn’t even know how much money I made. 

Weak. Pathetic.  Yes, I know.  It is what it is.  I can’t turn back the clock.

Before all this I was a happy, optimistic woman.  I lifted up the spirits of others.  I was full of laughter.  (mostly inappropriate humor)  My boys and Garett were all I needed.

Now, it’s all fake and phony.  I get out of bed because I HAVE to – Chance is counting on me to provide for him.  I laugh.  I smile.  It’s all FAKE.

No matter what happens throughout my day…. It doesn’t matter, because it all ends the same.  At night when I lay my head on my pillow, I’m ALONE.  No one holding me.  No one to talk to, laugh with, love, before falling asleep.

Garett told me that our home was “hopeless”.  That’s exactly how I feel.  Hopeless.

With no hope that tomorrow will be any different. 

1 Friends Commented:

melody-mae said...

Sweet friend. I have been catching up on your posts here tonight. I cannot even imagine the pain and betrayal you feel. I wish there was something I could say or do...just know I am thinking of you.