Tuesday, November 27, 2012

My emotions have been all over the place for the past few months.

Garett is gone from my home…mind.  I no longer think of him every moment of every day.  No longer hope to be with him. Only hope he’ll soon be out of my memories as I am from his.

Enough time has passed. So you’d think I’d be emotionally solid…. Nope.

I’m still broken. Not because I want him back in my life. I’m hurt that he lied, betrayed, abandoned me. A human being who was supposed to LOVE me, care for me, protect me, went out of his way to do the exact opposite.  Yes, I say “went out of his way” as if to imply his actions were intentional. They were intentional.  He lied and cheated for OVER a year - he admitted it. Each day that went by was intentionally filled with lies.

And I’m left with a huge mess of emotions. 

Angry – he wronged me so deep, so cold and cruel. Just walked away and started a new life. It was supposed to be US growing old together.
Scared – trying to find a second job with no luck because the economy sucks and I’m not as young as I used to be. 
Lonely – the Good Guy Pool sucks and I’m not as young as I used to be. 
Overwhelmed – learning to do all the things Garett took care of (then angry because he didn’t show me how to do stuff, he didn’t give me a heads up that he wanted out of our marriage)
Stressed – because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here, how to do it, where to start.

Rejected, depressed, lost. Then I get angry again because I never signed up to do any of this alone.  Then guilt because there are women out there who have it worse than I do.  So I tell myself to suck it up!

I also have moments of feeling good - good day at work (highly productive), errands, gas, groceries, dinner, dishes, dog stuff, laundry, clean up yard (dog poop), tv with Chance, balance accounts, bills paid, paperwork complete, walk, read, bed….. That’s a good day.  It’s happened… and when it does I feel pretty good...accomplished, strong.

Icing - receiving a call or texts from that someone special, having him say he's been thinking of me, being safe in his arms… oh, that would make it the perfect day…sigh...will be a LONG wait....making me super sad and lonely again.

Until I get some better days, please forgive my bumpy emotions.

Monday, November 26, 2012

That was my title: 
Working Married Mom of Two Boys
It described my whole life. All right there in one tidy sentence. 

I miss my boys being little guys, building tents in the living room.  I miss being a wife, taking care of my husband.

I miss the comfort of a boring life.

You can’t turn back time.  My boys will never be little guys chasing each other throughout the house.  I am no longer Garett’s wife.

I miss taking care of my family. I miss being comforted in the arms of a man who loves me. 

But it’s time to let go of the past. I don’t know how long it will take before all the hurt is gone. How long I'll be lonely.  I don't know if I'll ever find another love. But I can't think about that or I'll start to spiral.  

Now it’s time to take care of ME and finally figure out what I want, who I want, in my life.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

I dreamt Garett had moved back in. We were just getting up, getting ready for our day. As I was coming out of the bathroom, I was startled by a man in my room talking to Garett.

He was a doctor. Garett was ignoring his calls. It turns out Garett needed surgery (I can’t remember where/what kind). He told the doctor he was waiting until he moved back in with me so I could take care of him.

It made me feel good. I wanted to take care of him.

I went back into the bathroom and when I came back out the doctor was gone and Garett was on the phone on phone with HER.

She wouldn’t take care of him after his surgery so he fooled me into letting him move in and then take care of him after his surgery. When he was all healed up he would go back with her.

I confronted him with what I heard and he lied. He said he was lying to her because she’s crazy and he didn't know what she would do.

I told him he needed to leave. I wouldn't be lied to again.

Crazy Dream, Yes. But I believe it was reminding me of how gullible I am; how easily influenced. I have to stop letting both men and women lie, use, betray me.

I used to be a strong woman. I just need to find her again.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

My emotions are all over the place.  I’m back to not sleeping.  My hair falling out again.  Not eating – that part I’m not minding so much.  (I’m down 60 lbs since July)

Things have never been right between my mother and me.  Now all this shit with Garett.  All I keep thinking is, “If my own mother can’t love me, who will?  If this person I've known for over half my life has lied, hurt, betrayed and abandoned me, who will treat me better?  These two people were supposed to love, protect and stand by me no matter what.  Supposed to love me no matter what.  They were the two most important people in my life. People I trusted with all my heart.  If they couldn't love me…. Who will?  Will anyone ever love me?  Am I even worthy of love?”

I feel myself changing.  Becoming cold.  Welcoming the cold.  Hoping it embraces me and keeps the pain out.  Hope it puts a guard around me. Because my instincts aren't working so well.  I can’t trust myself to put my trust in the right people.  To give my heart to the right man.  To know a liar when I see one.

Although I’m hurt, just wrecked really, I want NOTHING to do with either one of them.

Neither deserves my thoughts, hate, tears.

As always, it’s my boys who keep me going.  If they weren't in my life…. I just don’t know.  I’m so depressed now…. I can’t imagine how my life would be without them.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

I don’t know how much more I can take.  I’m so sad, lonely, completely overwhelmed.  I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here.

Everything is so draining…endless paperwork for this, that; moving (twice – an update later).  Hurt, betrayed, abandoned.  He has stopped paying for mortgage, car, utilities, even the garbage.

I have had to study car maintenance…what needs to be done, when and about how much it should cost (so I’m not screwed over).  Hauling out the garbage in the cold windy rain at night.  Now I have a fucking mouse – REALLY!!!  Had to buy a trap and set up… wanting to catch it… dreading having to get rid of it.

I HATE THIS!!! I’m so tired. I’m so lonely.  I miss having a man in my life.  I miss being in arms and feeling safe, warm.  I miss telling someone I love them… I miss being loved.

He is still MY husband yet he’s living with another woman and her child.  As if we never existed.  As if the last 22 years never happened. 

He owed me a second chance to make him happy.  We made promises before God, our family, and friends. 

I knew he was unhappy with his job.  He was upset with our lack of money.  (It never bothered me because I had my family)  He NEVER told me he was unhappy with me or our marriage.

Garett took care of me.  I let him do it.  Then he left and I had no idea about any of our finances.  I knew NOTHING… year of my car, utility companies.  I didn’t even know how much money I made. 

Weak. Pathetic.  Yes, I know.  It is what it is.  I can’t turn back the clock.

Before all this I was a happy, optimistic woman.  I lifted up the spirits of others.  I was full of laughter.  (mostly inappropriate humor)  My boys and Garett were all I needed.

Now, it’s all fake and phony.  I get out of bed because I HAVE to – Chance is counting on me to provide for him.  I laugh.  I smile.  It’s all FAKE.

No matter what happens throughout my day…. It doesn’t matter, because it all ends the same.  At night when I lay my head on my pillow, I’m ALONE.  No one holding me.  No one to talk to, laugh with, love, before falling asleep.

Garett told me that our home was “hopeless”.  That’s exactly how I feel.  Hopeless.

With no hope that tomorrow will be any different. 

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The funny thing is, I never wanted to get married.  Didn't even want to change my name.  My parents were divorced so I didn't believe in happily ever after. 

Having Mason was one thing but getting pregnant again was too much for my father or Garett to handle so even though I didn't fully trust Garett with my heart, we married.

I was a good wife.  I never put pressure on Garett for ANYTHING.  Never asked him for a new home, car, carpet, furniture, vacations, NOTHING.  Never even asked him for money for groceries or just because.  He and our boys were all I ever needed. 

This was it.  Chance would be graduating next spring and then our time would be ours.  All these years we lived for our boys.  Now it would be our turn.  I was excited to get to know him again.  Reconnect as a couple.

He had other plans.  Had been planning for over a year.

It’s been months since he left and I still can’t believe how horrible he’s treated us. 

One day we are entertaining, the next day he says he’s leaving me, two days later he’s moving his girlfriend (of over a year) and her twelve year old daughter from Wisconsin into a home they both share now.

Since the day he left he has stopped all financial support (except cell phone payment).  Hasn't paid mortgage, car, utilities, not even the garbage.  No money for food, gas, Chance’s school lunch, cloths, books… NOTHING. 

He has stopped all emotional support.  He rarely returns calls, voice mail, texts, email, NOTHING. 

His only concern was for the riding lawnmower I had to sell to pay bills and feed our son.

He moved on, moved out and never glanced back.  It’s as if we don’t exist.  As if we NEVER existed.  I’m his wife and he treats me as if I’m nothing.  As if I’m the other woman.  When he does contact me it’s before/during/after his work day...but never when he’s not at work.

I don’t make enough for the mortgage or car payment so the bank will soon be taking those back.  I can’t believe he’s not concerned about where we will go.  Where we will live.  How will we get to school.  He just doesn't care. 

I've known this man for over 22 years but it’s as if I never knew him at all.  I loved him with all my heart.  Gave him two sons.  Took care of him when he was sick.  Would have done ANYTHING for him.

Who is this piece of shit deadbeat dad?  Where did my sweet loving husband go?

Saturday, November 3, 2012

*** Written in the beginning of September ***

I’ve loved you for so long I don’t know how to be me without you.  I always thought we’d be
together forever but you broke your vows to me.  I would have still stayed and worked through anything but your lies are killing me.

I accept it now.  You don’t want me.  You don’t want our marriage, our home, our family.  You don’t want to make anymore memories with me.  Your done.

I’m done too.  I’m tired.  I’m tired of begging.  I promised you ANYTHING and EVERYTHING:  I’ll get the lap-band and lose weight, I’ll wear my hair long or cut it short, sell the house, buy new, wherever you want (Tennessee, whatever, wherever) .  I’d get on a plane for you (I’ve never been and too afraid to ever do).  Hell, I’d jump OUT of a plane for you. 

Last night was it for me.

I couldn’t sleep.  All I could do is imagine you in bed with her.

How could you do that to me?

I could have forgiven you for the past year of lies and cheating.  I would have done it to be with you.  But you went back AGAIN.  I’ve got to draw the line somewhere.  I’ve got to have respect for myself.

I’m your wife.  I deserve better than this.  I deserved to know when your feelings started to change.  I deserved a chance to make it better.  I deserved a heads up to get my own shit together.

You left me with nothing.  I’ve lost my best friend, my protector, my provider.  I’m so lost without you. 

You will never know what you’ve done to me.  My whole world has been torn apart.  What I thought was solid was sand.  What I thought would last forever … was a joke to you.

I can’t bring myself to change my “married” Facebook status or take off my ring.

I’ll never understand how you could abandon us, just walk away and not look back.  I thought you were a better man than that.  I thought you were a better father.  I thought a lot of things about you, us, our family.   I only wish you valued us the same.