Saturday, December 1, 2012

Chance had been planning on staying over Mason and Mandy’s.  I love it when they spend time together.

Chance and I share a car so I dropped him off, hung out then drove back home.

Then I was alone….. it seemed VERY quiet.  Too quiet.  Not only SOUNDED different, it FELT different.  All of a sudden I was aware of all the noise that should be here… but isn’t.  My boys laughing, yelling, chasing each other through the house, the dog running off after them, Garett asking, “Where’s that thingy?”.  All the life of my home…. gone.

Only the tapping of my fingers on the keyboard and the washer in its final spin making any noise.

People keep telling me I don’t need a man in my life …. Well, THIS is why I NEED a man in my life.  I’m LONELY.  I don’t want to live alone for years and years.  And why should I?  Because of what “they” will think.
Sorry.  I don’t care.  I want a man in my life and I’ll be ready whenever the universe crosses my path with his... because I WILL NOT be that biter crazy cat lady bitching about life.

I want a man.  A man to live with, hold, laugh with, love.  I miss it all and I want it again.
That doesn’t mean I’m pushing it to happen because although I was home alone, I didn’t call or text anyone. 

Even though I didn’t like it, I embraced the quiet… loneliness…faced it like a CHAMP... for one night anyway...let's not get crazy.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

My emotions have been all over the place for the past few months.

Garett is gone from my home…mind.  I no longer think of him every moment of every day.  No longer hope to be with him. Only hope he’ll soon be out of my memories as I am from his.

Enough time has passed. So you’d think I’d be emotionally solid…. Nope.

I’m still broken. Not because I want him back in my life. I’m hurt that he lied, betrayed, abandoned me. A human being who was supposed to LOVE me, care for me, protect me, went out of his way to do the exact opposite.  Yes, I say “went out of his way” as if to imply his actions were intentional. They were intentional.  He lied and cheated for OVER a year - he admitted it. Each day that went by was intentionally filled with lies.

And I’m left with a huge mess of emotions. 

Angry – he wronged me so deep, so cold and cruel. Just walked away and started a new life. It was supposed to be US growing old together.
Scared – trying to find a second job with no luck because the economy sucks and I’m not as young as I used to be. 
Lonely – the Good Guy Pool sucks and I’m not as young as I used to be. 
Overwhelmed – learning to do all the things Garett took care of (then angry because he didn’t show me how to do stuff, he didn’t give me a heads up that he wanted out of our marriage)
Stressed – because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here, how to do it, where to start.

Rejected, depressed, lost. Then I get angry again because I never signed up to do any of this alone.  Then guilt because there are women out there who have it worse than I do.  So I tell myself to suck it up!

I also have moments of feeling good - good day at work (highly productive), errands, gas, groceries, dinner, dishes, dog stuff, laundry, clean up yard (dog poop), tv with Chance, balance accounts, bills paid, paperwork complete, walk, read, bed….. That’s a good day.  It’s happened… and when it does I feel pretty good...accomplished, strong.

Icing - receiving a call or texts from that someone special, having him say he's been thinking of me, being safe in his arms… oh, that would make it the perfect day…sigh...will be a LONG wait....making me super sad and lonely again.

Until I get some better days, please forgive my bumpy emotions.

Monday, November 26, 2012

That was my title: 
Working Married Mom of Two Boys
It described my whole life. All right there in one tidy sentence. 

I miss my boys being little guys, building tents in the living room.  I miss being a wife, taking care of my husband.

I miss the comfort of a boring life.

You can’t turn back time.  My boys will never be little guys chasing each other throughout the house.  I am no longer Garett’s wife.

I miss taking care of my family. I miss being comforted in the arms of a man who loves me. 

But it’s time to let go of the past. I don’t know how long it will take before all the hurt is gone. How long I'll be lonely.  I don't know if I'll ever find another love. But I can't think about that or I'll start to spiral.  

Now it’s time to take care of ME and finally figure out what I want, who I want, in my life.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

I dreamt Garett had moved back in. We were just getting up, getting ready for our day. As I was coming out of the bathroom, I was startled by a man in my room talking to Garett.

He was a doctor. Garett was ignoring his calls. It turns out Garett needed surgery (I can’t remember where/what kind). He told the doctor he was waiting until he moved back in with me so I could take care of him.

It made me feel good. I wanted to take care of him.

I went back into the bathroom and when I came back out the doctor was gone and Garett was on the phone on phone with HER.

She wouldn’t take care of him after his surgery so he fooled me into letting him move in and then take care of him after his surgery. When he was all healed up he would go back with her.

I confronted him with what I heard and he lied. He said he was lying to her because she’s crazy and he didn't know what she would do.

I told him he needed to leave. I wouldn't be lied to again.

Crazy Dream, Yes. But I believe it was reminding me of how gullible I am; how easily influenced. I have to stop letting both men and women lie, use, betray me.

I used to be a strong woman. I just need to find her again.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

My emotions are all over the place.  I’m back to not sleeping.  My hair falling out again.  Not eating – that part I’m not minding so much.  (I’m down 60 lbs since July)

Things have never been right between my mother and me.  Now all this shit with Garett.  All I keep thinking is, “If my own mother can’t love me, who will?  If this person I've known for over half my life has lied, hurt, betrayed and abandoned me, who will treat me better?  These two people were supposed to love, protect and stand by me no matter what.  Supposed to love me no matter what.  They were the two most important people in my life. People I trusted with all my heart.  If they couldn't love me…. Who will?  Will anyone ever love me?  Am I even worthy of love?”

I feel myself changing.  Becoming cold.  Welcoming the cold.  Hoping it embraces me and keeps the pain out.  Hope it puts a guard around me. Because my instincts aren't working so well.  I can’t trust myself to put my trust in the right people.  To give my heart to the right man.  To know a liar when I see one.

Although I’m hurt, just wrecked really, I want NOTHING to do with either one of them.

Neither deserves my thoughts, hate, tears.

As always, it’s my boys who keep me going.  If they weren't in my life…. I just don’t know.  I’m so depressed now…. I can’t imagine how my life would be without them.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

I don’t know how much more I can take.  I’m so sad, lonely, completely overwhelmed.  I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here.

Everything is so draining…endless paperwork for this, that; moving (twice – an update later).  Hurt, betrayed, abandoned.  He has stopped paying for mortgage, car, utilities, even the garbage.

I have had to study car maintenance…what needs to be done, when and about how much it should cost (so I’m not screwed over).  Hauling out the garbage in the cold windy rain at night.  Now I have a fucking mouse – REALLY!!!  Had to buy a trap and set up… wanting to catch it… dreading having to get rid of it.

I HATE THIS!!! I’m so tired. I’m so lonely.  I miss having a man in my life.  I miss being in arms and feeling safe, warm.  I miss telling someone I love them… I miss being loved.

He is still MY husband yet he’s living with another woman and her child.  As if we never existed.  As if the last 22 years never happened. 

He owed me a second chance to make him happy.  We made promises before God, our family, and friends. 

I knew he was unhappy with his job.  He was upset with our lack of money.  (It never bothered me because I had my family)  He NEVER told me he was unhappy with me or our marriage.

Garett took care of me.  I let him do it.  Then he left and I had no idea about any of our finances.  I knew NOTHING… year of my car, utility companies.  I didn’t even know how much money I made. 

Weak. Pathetic.  Yes, I know.  It is what it is.  I can’t turn back the clock.

Before all this I was a happy, optimistic woman.  I lifted up the spirits of others.  I was full of laughter.  (mostly inappropriate humor)  My boys and Garett were all I needed.

Now, it’s all fake and phony.  I get out of bed because I HAVE to – Chance is counting on me to provide for him.  I laugh.  I smile.  It’s all FAKE.

No matter what happens throughout my day…. It doesn’t matter, because it all ends the same.  At night when I lay my head on my pillow, I’m ALONE.  No one holding me.  No one to talk to, laugh with, love, before falling asleep.

Garett told me that our home was “hopeless”.  That’s exactly how I feel.  Hopeless.

With no hope that tomorrow will be any different. 

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The funny thing is, I never wanted to get married.  Didn't even want to change my name.  My parents were divorced so I didn't believe in happily ever after. 

Having Mason was one thing but getting pregnant again was too much for my father or Garett to handle so even though I didn't fully trust Garett with my heart, we married.

I was a good wife.  I never put pressure on Garett for ANYTHING.  Never asked him for a new home, car, carpet, furniture, vacations, NOTHING.  Never even asked him for money for groceries or just because.  He and our boys were all I ever needed. 

This was it.  Chance would be graduating next spring and then our time would be ours.  All these years we lived for our boys.  Now it would be our turn.  I was excited to get to know him again.  Reconnect as a couple.

He had other plans.  Had been planning for over a year.

It’s been months since he left and I still can’t believe how horrible he’s treated us. 

One day we are entertaining, the next day he says he’s leaving me, two days later he’s moving his girlfriend (of over a year) and her twelve year old daughter from Wisconsin into a home they both share now.

Since the day he left he has stopped all financial support (except cell phone payment).  Hasn't paid mortgage, car, utilities, not even the garbage.  No money for food, gas, Chance’s school lunch, cloths, books… NOTHING. 

He has stopped all emotional support.  He rarely returns calls, voice mail, texts, email, NOTHING. 

His only concern was for the riding lawnmower I had to sell to pay bills and feed our son.

He moved on, moved out and never glanced back.  It’s as if we don’t exist.  As if we NEVER existed.  I’m his wife and he treats me as if I’m nothing.  As if I’m the other woman.  When he does contact me it’s before/during/after his work day...but never when he’s not at work.

I don’t make enough for the mortgage or car payment so the bank will soon be taking those back.  I can’t believe he’s not concerned about where we will go.  Where we will live.  How will we get to school.  He just doesn't care. 

I've known this man for over 22 years but it’s as if I never knew him at all.  I loved him with all my heart.  Gave him two sons.  Took care of him when he was sick.  Would have done ANYTHING for him.

Who is this piece of shit deadbeat dad?  Where did my sweet loving husband go?

Saturday, November 3, 2012

*** Written in the beginning of September ***

I’ve loved you for so long I don’t know how to be me without you.  I always thought we’d be
together forever but you broke your vows to me.  I would have still stayed and worked through anything but your lies are killing me.

I accept it now.  You don’t want me.  You don’t want our marriage, our home, our family.  You don’t want to make anymore memories with me.  Your done.

I’m done too.  I’m tired.  I’m tired of begging.  I promised you ANYTHING and EVERYTHING:  I’ll get the lap-band and lose weight, I’ll wear my hair long or cut it short, sell the house, buy new, wherever you want (Tennessee, whatever, wherever) .  I’d get on a plane for you (I’ve never been and too afraid to ever do).  Hell, I’d jump OUT of a plane for you. 

Last night was it for me.

I couldn’t sleep.  All I could do is imagine you in bed with her.

How could you do that to me?

I could have forgiven you for the past year of lies and cheating.  I would have done it to be with you.  But you went back AGAIN.  I’ve got to draw the line somewhere.  I’ve got to have respect for myself.

I’m your wife.  I deserve better than this.  I deserved to know when your feelings started to change.  I deserved a chance to make it better.  I deserved a heads up to get my own shit together.

You left me with nothing.  I’ve lost my best friend, my protector, my provider.  I’m so lost without you. 

You will never know what you’ve done to me.  My whole world has been torn apart.  What I thought was solid was sand.  What I thought would last forever … was a joke to you.

I can’t bring myself to change my “married” Facebook status or take off my ring.

I’ll never understand how you could abandon us, just walk away and not look back.  I thought you were a better man than that.  I thought you were a better father.  I thought a lot of things about you, us, our family.   I only wish you valued us the same.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Monday 7/16/12

I’ve always been scared to have surgery.  I thought I would never wake up and die on the table.  Nice thoughts, huh?

Chance dropped me off and I walked in alone….and cried.  I had been there for his surgeries, worried, waiting, ready to take care of him.  Where was he?  With his whore.

Before being admitted my mom showed up and stayed to take me home.

I felt numb as they worked to get me ready.  All I could think about was Garett.

I started to cry.  The nurse said, “Oh, don’t worry honey.  Everyone gets nervous before surgery”.  But that wasn’t the reason I was crying.

I couldn’t believe he wasn’t there for me.  How much more pain did he want to cause me?

While in the operating room they put the mask over my nose and mouth.  I was out.

I vaguely remember the nurse close to my face as I opened my eyes.  I asked her, “Did my husband call?”

She shook her head, “I’m sorry. No.”

I cried and again I was out.

My next memory was being at home surrounded by family – Mason, Mandy, Jesse, Stephanie & kids, Chance and my mom.  I felt loved and it felt good.

I don’t remember putting on my cloths, leaving the hospital, the drive home, stopping for pain meds.  It was the only time I didn’t think of Garett.  Well, maybe I did but I don’t remember.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Wed 7/11/12
I woke up at 3:30AM.  I couldn't sleep so I got up thinking I’d get wiped out and eventually fall asleep.  (I ended up staying up until after 5am Thurs)

I sent him a text at 7AM. Again, no answer.

I sent him a few more texts with no reply.

I actually started to worry.  I started calling him at 11AM.  I called him about 8 times before he sent me a text: 
I will talk to u Monday night. I’m in Wisconsin right now. (with her)

I called him again – straight to voicemail.

I sent him a text:
U called her when you were here. U can call me now that ur there. So please call me.

No answer.

Another text:

U said u would ALWAYS b there 4me. Was that another lie? Call me please.

No answer.

I called and called.  He finally answered. 

Again, I promised the world to him.  He said he didn’t know what he wanted to do.  He was still unsure.  He would see me Monday night and tell me then.

I asked him to call me the next day (Thurs) and let me know.  I couldn’t wait any longer.  The two of them have been playing this game for over a year and I’m not going to wait for them to get done playing house to make up their minds.

He said he’d call… but it was just another lie.

Thurs 7/12/12 
I text him pictures.  One was of a dvd he made me telling how much he loves me. Another card his parents sent us for our anniversary.

No response.

Friday 7/13/12
More calls, texts, begging.  I text him more pictures of our past and how our future holds so much for us.

After many calls, he finally answered.  I begged him to come home for my gall bladder surgery Monday.  He said no.

He said he already paid for a round trip ferry and couldn’t come home until Monday night.

I called bullshit!

“You spent $100 on a ferry to see her but you won’t spend $100 to come home to your family?  Aren’t we worth it?”

“Of course you are.  I just can’t”.

I would later find out why.  SHE and one of her kids were coming back with him.  He didn’t want to leave her.  He wanted her more then he wanted us.

Why does he keep lying to me?  Why does he keep hurting me?

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Sun 7/8/12

Mason and Mandy went to meet my mom and brother, Jesse, for lunch.  Neither Chance nor I wanted to go.  I just couldn’t (still can’t) face people.

I’m just SO embarrassed.  I always talked good about him.  Told everyone how he was the kindest person I’d ever met.  How he was my rock.  How I always felt he was too good for me.  I guess I was right.

After Mason and Mandy came back, got their things and went home, Chance and I were just …. There.  Stunned.  Still crying.  Missing him.

My emotions are all over the place:  Optimistic - I know we can save our marriage, everything will be ok.  Hurt – How could he lie to me for over a year!  How could I EVER trust him again!  How could I ever trust myself again?  Anger – I hate him for what he’s doing to me, our kids, our family.  I just want to punch him in the face.

I found her on Facebook and sent her a message: 
You are breaking up 25 years full of love and laughter. Please leave my husband alone. I’m not giving up on us. I love him. We have 2 kids and a granddaughter on the way. He is going through a mid-life crisis. Please leave my husband alone.
No answer.  Instead she blocked me.  I can no longer see her profile.  It’s actually a blessing.

Garett stopped by after work to pick up some cloths I packed from him.  I couldn’t help myself; I went out to see him.  I guess I was hoping he would hold me and tell me it was all a big mistake… but he didn’t.  Instead he stood there looking off as if I was wasting his time.  Anger rushed over me and I lunged at him, grabbing his shirt and ripping it right off.  I was yelling, crying, making a scene.

After I went inside I immediately felt awful.  I called him.  It took 5 times before he picked up (I don't blame him. I really lost it).  I told him I was sorry. And not his kind of sorry (sorry the way it was done). I was sorry I did it at all.  He thanked me for that.  I told him he had over a year to deal with his emotions.  Mine were new and raw.

Again I begged and again he said no.

I went to bed that night only to toss and turn.  I couldn’t help myself.  I called him.  He said he wanted to move her here to our town, buy a house and get married.  I asked him what the hurry was.  Then it hit me.

“Is she pregnant?”

No answer.

“IS she pregnant?”

No answer.


“No. No.”

I don’t know what to think.  I mean it took him forever to tell me about HER.  I was feeling sick.

I told him I wasn’t going to call him today and he should take this time to REALLY think about what he was doing… but to call me when he missed ME.

I didn’t sleep at all that night.

Mon 7/9/12

I didn’t hear from him all day.  Nothing.

I couldn’t help thinking:  Doesn’t he care how we’re doing?  Do we food?   Do we have money?

Nope.  No concern at all.

I cried all day, and he… who knows.

Tue 7/10/12

I sent him texts.  No reply.  I called.  No answer.  I left a message.  No call.

Again, I cried.

I finally fell asleep sometime after 1AM only to wake up at 3:30AM.  It's now 11:55PM on Wednesday and I have yet to go to bed.... Today was not any better then yesterday or the day before.

In fact, it was much, much worse.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Sat 7/7/12

I woke in Mason’s room and walked toward my room.  As I got there, Garett popped out of the master bath and scared me.  He was supposed to be at work.  He had told me earlier in the week he would be working for the next week/week and a half without a day off.  When I confronted him he lied denying he ever said it.

My gut says he planned on seeing her but for whatever reason changed his mind.

“When are you planning on leaving me?”  Crying.

“I don’t know. Probably after Chance graduates.”  Cold.

“Where are you planning to go?”

“I don’t know”. Cold, flat and cruel.

“What should I do?”  Scared and crying.

“I don’t know”.

“You don’t know what you’re doing to Chance.  He is a mess.  He was crying all night”

“I’ll talk to him”.

He walked out of the house.  He was so cold and cruel as we stood on the deck he had just built.  Then it hit me.  The deck wasn’t for me.  It was to add value to the house.  He was planning to sell our home.

Again, I begged and begged.  I asked why?  “Why would you ask me to invite friends and family over for the 4th if you were only going to leave me the next day?”

“I don’t know”.

“What about our home where we’ve raised our children?”

“That house is hopeless”.  Disgusted.  Almost angry.

“Like our marriage?”

No answer.

“If our home is hopeless.  If our marriage is hopeless. Why don’t you just leave?”

He walked inside and got down on all fours in front of the fan.

“I mean it, Garett”.  If our home and marriage are hopeless why don’t you just leave?  Leave.  Leave right now!”

At that moment I wanted him to hurt.  There he was cold, cruel, pretending I wasn’t there as he tried to get cooled off by the fan.  Insulting our home.  Insulting our marriage.  He needed to go before I kicked him in the face.  And I told him so.

He got a laundry basket and started to pack it with cloths.  He stopped, looking me in the eye for the first time in days.  “Where will I go?”

“Well, Garett, I’ll tell you what you’ve been telling me, I don’t know.  I don’t even know what I’m going to do.  You didn’t care about my future and what I’m supposed to do.”

It’s the only time I saw emotion – fear.  I started to feel a little bad but then … NO.  If his girlfriend lived in the same town he would NOT hesitate to leave me on the spot.  It’s only now that he has nowhere to go that he’s shaking in his shoes.

He left for a 2.5 hr drive to tell his parents.  (Later I would find out THAT was a lie too)

I had to break the news to Mason.  He took it really hard.  I was still a mess and so was Chance.  Hell, we’re all still a mess.

Later, Garett came to get his things.  Mason let him have it (verbally).  I was going to stop it but thought why should I make this easier on Garett.  And Mason isn’t a child.  He’s a 20 yr old man who is going to have a baby girl soon.

God stepped in:  because of the extreme heat for the past few days many areas started to lose power.  Mason and Mandy were one of those home.  So they came to stay here.  I think it was what we all needed.  I slept pretty good that night.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Fri 7/6/12

I couldn’t sleep.  All I could do was cry.  Then somehow sleep came.

I woke up in time to catch Garett before he left for work.  He usually kisses my forehead and tells me he loves me…it hurts to think I’ll never have that again.

I begged him again.  I’ll do anything.  Please don’t leave me. 

He was still as cold as the night before.  He hugged me hard, kissed my neck, told me he loved me and we’d talk when he got home.

Nothing changed when he got home… not my pleas, not his wanting to leave. 

I grabbed his phone and told him I was going to call her.  As I picked it up I saw his text to her right there: I love and miss you too.

He tried to yank it out of my hand and I knew he could so I threw it as hard as I could.  I cried, and cried.  How could he do this to me? To us? To our boys?  To out families?

Chance came out of his room grabbing me, holding me tight and pulling me away from Garett.

I couldn’t breathe.  The room started spinning.  I thought I was going to vomit. Then I thought I was going to pass out.

Chance took me into Mason’s old room and my son, wise beyond his years, said he thought it was best if I stayed in there for the night.

I cried.  Chance cried.  Garett sat in the livingroom drinking beer and watching tv.  Every so often we could hear him laugh.  That hurt me too.  How could he laugh while our family was falling apart?

Monday, July 9, 2012

The real fireworks came the day after the 4th.  I was telling Garett what a great night it was.  I said how we needed a larger table for our growing family.  I told him I wanted to start doing a Sunday dinner and game night.  He said that wouldn't happen.  I asked him why. 

“Because I’m leaving you”.

With those words my world crashed down into bits and pieces on the floor.


“I’m not in love with you anymore”.

I kept asking him if there was someone else and he kept saying no.  He even laughed at me saying, “Who would want me?”

Then came the punch to my gut that ripped out my heart and made me literally want to vomit right where I was.  Yes.  He is seeing someone else.  He didn’t want to tell me until Chance graduated in the spring.  He still wanted to stick to that plan of living together until …. Well, he didn't know.  (I think he DOES KNOW he just doesn't want to share his plans with me)

I cried.  I begged.  “I’ll do anything you want.  I’ll have the lap-band surgery.  I'll get my hair done.  I'll get contacts.  I'll dress better.  I’ll spend more time with you outside.  I’ll do ANYTHING.  Please don’t leave me.  I love you.”

Nothing I said moved him into ANY emotion whatsoever.  I didn’t even recognize this man.

He said he’s been seeing her for over a year and slept with her at their class reunion. 

He said she lived out of state.  He only slept with her that one time and that was the last time he has seen her face to face.  OK, REALLY, who believes that one?  Not me.  You don’t leave 22 yrs of memories for a one time fuck.  My gut says he’s been seeing her A LOT more often then he’s admitting.

I cried the rest of the night while he slept like a baby.

Did I ever really know this man?

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Our 4th was awesome!  Chance had a friend over.  Mason and Mandy came by.  My cousin, his wife and one of their children came over too.

Fireworks were great.  Garett did a great job once again.

After the fireworks my cousin left and the rest of us played Apples to Apples.  It was SO much fun.  We were laughing out asses off.  I laughed so much my stomach was hurting.

What a fun, beautiful night.  It was defiantly one of my favorite memories.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

I love the 4th of July! I love the Flag, Anthem, Pledge. I am proud to be an American.

The only downer is that it marks half of my summer gone. Even though I love my job (elementary school), it will be time to go back to work.

We will be celebrating with our growing family. Chance (17) is having friends over. Mason (20) and his fiancé, Mandy (24), will be coming by. Garett (hubby) will be grilling hamburgers and hot dogs - American favorite.

Wishing you all, American or not, a beautiful day!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

I moved around A LOT as a kid.  I can drive my kids past most of the houses we lived in (I’ll have to go to a couple of states); but I will never be able to walk them through and SHOW them the paint on the walls and were we ate, played, lived.

As an adult I only wanted to stay in one place; have my kids go to the same school from elementary through graduation.  So far we’ve done that. (Well, almost – C will be a senior this fall).

I just want a life of peace, love and happiness.  I just want to be treated with respect.  I want to be treated with care, a delicate piece of china - OK, maybe that’s going too far.

I’ve always said our home is our safe place.  Inside these walls we can be who we are – good, bad, ugly days.  This is where we express our hopes, dreams, fears, anger even.  No judgment.  Just love and the best advice we can give.

The world can be awful and mean.  It can turn on you in a second.  People can be fake, phony, cruel.  When we are home we shut out all that garbage. 

Here we can get angry and disagree but NEVER should we treat each other with disrespect.  Never should we use mean, hateful, hurtful words or actions toward each other.  We face enough of that in the world.  This is the one place we should not have to deal with the nastiness of life.

I want what I think everyone wants - to be able to provide for our family, to have a happy home.  No drama.  Just peace.

Like everyone, we have our good times and bad.  I wish for our boys mostly good times and all the love, laughter and understanding to get them through the bad. 

Saturday, June 9, 2012

January 2012:

I thought it was odd that he would come over without his new girlfriend.  It seemed lately that we could not have any conversations without her within earshot.  Even our phone conversations were suddenly always on speaker. 

So finally we’d be able to have a real conversation and catch up. 

I also thought it was odd that he hugged me longer than usual.  It seemed that he was happy to be home. 

He grabbed a bowl of chili and had a seat. 

I noticed he didn’t serve himself as much as he usual.  It also seemed as if he was eating quicker than usual. 

I remember taking in the moment as I sat at the table with him; watching him and his father talking about sports and loving knowing that C was in his room.  Knowing all the birdies were under the same roof again filled me with peace. 

Then everything changed in an instant.

“Mandy is pregnant”.  His eyes filled up with tears and all I wanted to do was protect him and take all his fears away.  I went into momma bear mode reassuring him that even though all was going to change, all was going to be ok.

He’s only 20.  He’ll share his 21st birthday the same month his baby is born.  I wish he would listen to me and take my advice.  I know what I’m talking about.  I was 20 when I had HIM…turned 21 only 3 weeks later.  

But then again he didn’t listen when I told him to wrap it up.  He didn’t listen when I told him to be safe and responsible.  He just didn’t listen.

Too late now.  Too late for lectures.  Too late for blame.  Too late to feel sorry for yourself.

This I told him.  I also told him:
Those days about how YOU feel and what YOU want are OVER.  That baby did not ask to be brought into this world.  He/She (we now know the baby is a She) will come first.  They deserve to be first. 
Those shoes you just have to have and shirts you love so much – forget about it.  Baby comes first.  I haven’t bought cloths in forever (or gotten a hair cut) because I’m STILL putting my children first.
After a lecture I hugged him and told him how much I love him.  How much I’m proud of him.  Shocked, eyes full of tears, he looked straight into my eyes and asked, “Why?”.

And I told him:
Because you didn’t run.  You could have denied this baby being yours and never lay eyes on Mandy again.  You could abandon her until paternity confirmation MAKES you be responsible for your actions. 
You told us.  You didn’t embarrass us by making us the LAST to know.  You came to us and right away.
We love you and like I’ve ALWAYS told you; you and your brother are the most important people in my life.  Our family is the MOST important thing in my life.   
After he left, I cried.  He has no idea how tough the road ahead is going to be for him. 

Like the Giving Tree, I’ll always be here for him.  Everything happens for a reason and maybe one day (I hope) he’ll be grateful for all we do for him.  Maybe on that day he meets her for the first time.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

I LOVE The Bold & the Beautiful!  Watch it all the time (thank goodness for dvr).  So anyway, as I’m watching I can’t help thinking I know this actress (Jacqueline MacInnes Wood) who plays Steffy Forrester.  Then one day it finally hits me…. Kim Possible!
Kim Possible was a cartoon on the Disney Channel (2002-2007).
I swear if they made a movie (well, with people anyway) this chick could play her.
Am I seeing things again?  What do you think?

Kim Possible

Jacqueline MacInnes Wood

Kim Possible
Jacqueline MacInnes Wood

Visit Top Mommy Blogs To Vote For Me!