Saturday, April 23, 2011

My parents divorced when I was seven but their relationship continued until I was sixteen.  Although there was never any physical abuse (well, there was one time) there were heated arguements.  It had my brother and I moving back and forth from state to state going to many different schools.

My first major relationship found me following familiar patterns.  When things were good, they were great.  When things were bad, police were called. 

I broke the cycle when I married Gman.  Although it took A LOT of convincing to marry him - I just wasn't sure about the whole marriage thing - In my experience - you get pissed, you pack up and start over.  Marriage was for better NOT worse or death do you part.

Although I loved Gman with all my heart, the reason I finally agreed to marry him was because I was on baby number two and I couldn't embarrass my father again.

As it turned out, it was the best decision I ever made.  It lead me down a better path.  My soul was healing.

Now, as our boys are sixteen and ninteen, I thought we were in the home stretch.  I could finally see myself growing old with the man I love.  I could see us doing "old people" things together.

This morning I was hit in the face when I realized Gman hasn't been wearing his wedding ring in months.  I guess I just took it for granted that he wore it.  He says it was bothering him.  Now, I could understand if it was like that from the get go but he as ALWAYS worn his ring.  Even expressed how much he liked it.

So when he says his ring has been bothering him.... I take it as I have been bothering him.

When I told him how I felt he got loud saying it was nothing then blew me off not wanting to talk about it. 

So now I sit here breaking.

My walls stayed up long after we married.  Just as they are nowhere to be seen BAM

Ten years ago I was ready for this kind of thing - pack up and move on.  Today, I can't imagine life without him.  I'm a mess.  I'm in pieces on the floor.  My twenty-five year old self is telling me off.  She knew this would happen eventually.

Friday, April 22, 2011

They say your dreams are come from your subconscious trying to tell you something.  I'm not so sure about that. 

During my nap, I dreamt that we had a black goat (never had a goat in my life).  Gman brought home a chihuahua (a student did bring in a chihuahua puppy today but you know I'm into Dobes).  After waking up from a nap (yup, I guess I dream of napping), the goat was missing and the chihuahua had a puppy following her around.

M came home and the chihuahuas attacked.  I then realized they must have chased away the goat. 

When the goat came back he had aged with longer fur (is that what it's called?) and tiny horns.

OK, so what the heck is my subconscious tell me about this one?

Sunday, April 10, 2011

So, here it is my last day of Spring Break.  Where did I go?  Nowhere but that's ok - I'm pretty much a home body.  What did I do?  Nothing.  Now that's a HUGE problem.

My biggest sin - sloth. 

I wanted to organize my closet but then thought, "You know, it really isn't that bad". 

I wanted to get on the treadmill everyday but then thought a nap sounded better.

I wanted to clean the carpets but then decided Sims 2 on my pc would be more fun.

I planned on going into the office one day to tie up loose ends but then thought about how no one sees how much I put into my work and even the secretary herself is out of town so why should I put in more effort than she does.  ((( ugly thoughts, I know - I should do it for no one but myself and my love for my job )))

What is my problem!  I'm sick of my food addiction!  I'm sick of my procrastination!  So today, I forced myself out of bed at 6:30 and made it to an early Mass.

I pray God will help me out of my funk.  Please Dear Lord help me cross things off my lists (yup, more than one - I'm a list girl)  Help me put in my mouth only enough food to fuel my body. 

Really, why can't I hate cherry cheesecake?  Just saying.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Whether at work, the store, even in my own home... people complain far too much.  Why?  So your desk is full of work that needs to get done, the grocery line is long, the Internet is slow, you car needs more work.  Is any of that really worth flipping out about?

I'm guilty of complaining too, but this post is actually a reminder to my boys.  I'm always telling them to be grateful for everything in their lives - good or bad. 

Life can always be better - it can always be worse.   There will always be those who will have more than you.  There will always be those who have less. 

Believe me.  Your heart will feel SO much better when you start looking at the bright side of that ugly situation.

Be grateful for everything in your life.  Why would God bless you with anything more when you are so ungrateful for all He has already given you.