Saturday, April 23, 2011

Broken

My parents divorced when I was seven but their relationship continued until I was sixteen.  Although there was never any physical abuse (well, there was one time) there were heated arguements.  It had my brother and I moving back and forth from state to state going to many different schools.

My first major relationship found me following familiar patterns.  When things were good, they were great.  When things were bad, police were called. 

I broke the cycle when I married Gman.  Although it took A LOT of convincing to marry him - I just wasn't sure about the whole marriage thing - In my experience - you get pissed, you pack up and start over.  Marriage was for better NOT worse or death do you part.

Although I loved Gman with all my heart, the reason I finally agreed to marry him was because I was on baby number two and I couldn't embarrass my father again.

As it turned out, it was the best decision I ever made.  It lead me down a better path.  My soul was healing.

Now, as our boys are sixteen and ninteen, I thought we were in the home stretch.  I could finally see myself growing old with the man I love.  I could see us doing "old people" things together.

This morning I was hit in the face when I realized Gman hasn't been wearing his wedding ring in months.  I guess I just took it for granted that he wore it.  He says it was bothering him.  Now, I could understand if it was like that from the get go but he as ALWAYS worn his ring.  Even expressed how much he liked it.

So when he says his ring has been bothering him.... I take it as I have been bothering him.

When I told him how I felt he got loud saying it was nothing then blew me off not wanting to talk about it. 

So now I sit here breaking.

My walls stayed up long after we married.  Just as they are nowhere to be seen BAM

Ten years ago I was ready for this kind of thing - pack up and move on.  Today, I can't imagine life without him.  I'm a mess.  I'm in pieces on the floor.  My twenty-five year old self is telling me off.  She knew this would happen eventually.

6 Friends Commented:

Rebecca Burgener said...

Praying that your twenty-five year old self is still wrong!

You know, my hubby had to stop wearing his wedding ring for a while because of quick weight gain during my pregnancies. It was embarrassing for him, especially since he wasn't the one growing the babies.

I hope things have worked out since Saturday.

Sherri said...

keeping you in my prayers... i hope that this turns out to be nothing more than what Gman has said...

by nature i'm a very insecure person and i don't trust easily... i know the broken feeling you are speaking of and it is gut wrenching...

More Milestones said...

Thank you both so much. I am hoping it's all nothing... my past has made it hard for me to trust - major mother issues.

Thanks again.

Mary said...

Take a look at this study conducted several years ago. Hold on for the ride. Most couples who do say it's worth it. http://www.americanvalues.org/UnhappyMarriages.pdf

Terri said...

Trust is something that has to be earned.
I hope and pray everything will be okay, sending ((((hugs))) your way, because I think we could all use a hug on days like this.

Terri's Little Haven

More Milestones said...

Thanks so much for your kind words and support. It means more to me than you know.