Sunday, October 31, 2010

Many feel strongly about Halloween one way or another.  It's meaning and reason for being has changed throughout history.   Halloween has also changed for me.

When I was a little girl, I couldn't wait for Halloween.  Wearing a costume and getting tons of candy.  I didn't appreciate getting apples or popcorn balls for all my hard work.

As a mom, I enjoyed decorating the house... and the kids.  The candy part was not as fun.  Now there were Mommy Rules:  don't eat candy until we go through the bags, only 2 or 3 pieces a day, brush floss rinse, blah, blah, blah.

I haven't decorated in a while (maybe next year).  No costumes.  No little football players or clowns running around, excited about candy and wrestling over a piece that hit the floor.

I found this short video (History.com) on the History of Halloween.  You may find it interesting too.

Whatever your feelings about Halloween, be safe and be happy.

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Saturday, October 30, 2010

Halloween.  That time of year when it's ok to put a Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkin Cup in your desk while eating a KitKat.

Trick or Treating.  When you first learn what it means when people say, "If it sounds too good to be true then it probably is." - because you think you have a bag full of candy but when you get home... apples, boxes of raisins, popcorn balls, and a ton of candy corn.

I'm not big on candy corn.  Not really a fan of mint chocolate anything either.

I am however, slightly in love with Red Twizzlers (great for movies) and Dove Milk Chocolate Promises (gives sweet advice).  And yeah, I also love me some Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkin Cups and KitKats.

What are your favorites?

       UPDATE: 
After reading this post, C says, "I love popcorn balls, candy corn and mint chocolate EVERYTHING!"
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Wednesday, October 27, 2010

After Mr. P's father passed away, I knew I should go to the funeral.  I mean, I didn't know his father or anything but I felt I needed to be there for him.  I wasn't sure how I was going to make that happen because of my freak fear.

While at work I called a co-worker/classmate/friend (Leslie) to talk about work and the subject of Mr. P came up.  We both wanted to be there for him.  She didn't know if she could work it out (she's a teacher) and I have this embarrassing personality problem.

After she was able to work out her schedule (having another teacher watch her class), I swallowed my pride and fessed up with my social problem.

It was a great move.  She was SO helpful. 

On the way to the visitation we had a great talk.  When we got there she stepped out in front; smiling, shaking hands, giving hugs and condolences.  I smiled, gave hugs and let her do the talking.  When Mr. P, Leslie and I were alone all felt good (with my panic anyway).

I am so glad God laid out the steps for me to call Leslie.  I would not have been able to show my support to Mr. P without her supporting me.  I most likely would have backed out with yet another excuse.

It meant a lot to him that we were there.  It meant a lot to me that Leslie helped me fight the phobia.

God and friends - the best way to help you out of a funk.

Monday, October 25, 2010

I moved around a lot as a kid and went to many different schools.  So I learned quickly to make them laugh or be laughed at.  I've always been friendly and outgoing.  My graduating classmates nominated me female class clown and female practical joker.

During my first serious relationship, my boyfriend slowly turned me away from my friends and family; taking up all my time and attention.  I think that's when this thing started.

I'm still friendly but the outgoing is at a standstill.  It's hard for me to be in an unfamiliar situation or in a place with tons of people.  I start getting so worked up/nervous/whatever that I can actually trigger a migraine. 

Most people are surprised when I tell them... but then slowly recall all the times I backed out of a party with a lame excuse.
At first I didn't know what the deal was.  I would actually purposely start a fight with Gman just so I wouldn't have to go somewhere. 

He finally confronted me and asked why.  At that point I really didn't realize I was avoiding people.  It didn't make sense to me... and still doesn't.

Working at an elementary school I see tons of people every day.  I get groceries.  I go shopping (although I don't like it).  I go to the movies (although not as much as I'd like). 

It takes me a long time to get myself mentally ready to go somewhere - sometimes days.  I think the toughest part is getting started.  (I dread getting ready to go somewhere).  

Most of the time, 5 minutes after walking through the door to wherever, I'm fine.  It's just the days before and the getting ready to go that make me want to vomit. 

I really don't know why the thought of being around people gets me so freaked and I don't know how to fix it.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Thursday afternoon I got my flu shot.  By Friday evening I had a fever, cough, sore throat, congestion, body ache.

I took the day off work Friday.  I just may have to change that personal day to a sick day... maybe two.  Uggghhhh!!

My co-worker got her flu shot at the same time (given at school) and is doing great.  Have you gotten your flu shot?  Any side effects?

       UPDATE:
By Sunday night I felt better - except for a headache that wouldn't let up.  By Monday afternoon I felt tons better - I'm glad I didn't waste a sick day.

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Saturday, October 23, 2010

I couldn't stop thinking about Mr. P and the hurt he and his family were facing.  I decided I would go to the funeral. (This is HUGE for me. I'll write more later).

The visitation was in the afternoon before the funeral.  I went with a friend (co-worker) who had to be back to teach in a couple of hours.  So we could only stay for the visitation.

As we greeted Mr. P., I knew we did the right thing.  You could see the emotions on his face.  I am so glad we went.  The loss well never be ok but I hope Mr. P now knows there are people who really care about him and he's not alone.


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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I work at an elementary school.  I love my co-workers (although there are 2 or 3 I could do without).  Within this past week co-workers have lost family members.  Brother & sister lost their uncle.  Mr. P lost his father.  I feel so awful for them and I just don't know how to express that to them.

I'm klutzy and clumsy and I'm always inserting both feet in this huge mouth of mine.  So now when things REALLY count... what do I say?  How do I say it?

I didn't want to talk to Mr. P at school.  I didn't want him to lose it in front of his students.  So I sent him an email to let him know I care about him and I was thinking of him and his family.  He missed one day of work but came in the next day.  In a way I was surprised but then again when Gman was in the hospital, working kept my mind off worrying.

I did tell the other teacher (on the phone) I was sorry for her loss.  However, I didn't tell her brother.  He doesn't even know I know.  I think I purposely didn't say anything to him because I was hoping to keep his mind from thinking and being sad.  We work closely together and I didn't want him to feel sad and feel that he needed to talk about it.

What I really wish I could do for each of them is hug them, cry with them and let them know how much I love each of them.  They are such good people.  I enjoy the company of each.  I value their presence in my life.  I value their opinion.

I want them to know how very heartbroken I am for them... but every time I open my mouth to reach out and say something loving and supportive.... here come those dang feet! 

I feel like such an idiot.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Becoming a mom changed my whole life.  M was the perfect little baby.  There was always a reason for his cries:  hunger, dirty diaper, wanting attention.  It was so easy being his mommy.

As he grew, I couldn't imagine loving anyone more than my heart loved him.  I wanted another baby but I just couldn't see how my heart would let me love another little person as much as I loved M.

When I became pregnant with our second those worries came back.  I have never heard of anyone feeling the same doubts.  Still it wasn't until I was late in my pregnancy did I talk about them.

A friend had just given birth to her second child so I confided in her.  She said she had felt the same exact way and not only until she saw her second child did it all go away... I hoped that would be true for me too.

After giving birth to C, they put him in my arms.  I looked down into his little pink face and I fell in love all over again.  My heart was so full of love for him I cried. 

My baby boys (now 15 & 19) still fill my heart with love.  Doubts gone forever.  Never have I felt more love for one over the other. 

I'm not proud of my doubts.  I can't imagine our lives without C.



I just wanted to share with all those mommies of one who may wonder..."Do I have enough love for two?"

Because you do. 
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Thursday, October 14, 2010

Tonight on the CW is the repeat of
The Vampire Diaries season premier (second season).  I missed it the first time around (& didn't dvr) so I am so glad to be able to catch it tonight (on as I type).

I LOVE this show... although it didn't start out that way.

You really got to watch:  first love, love triangle, drama, suspense, twists & surprises.  You'll love it too.
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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Have you seen the show Sister Wives?  It's a reality show on TLC about a man with 3 (I think) wives.  I haven't seen it (most likely won't) but just seeing the Sister Wives previews got me thinking... could I share my Gman with another woman?  Could I share him with two? 

I don't think so.  I don't think I could handle that.  There are just so many little moments that go into our relationship; I couldn't imagine sharing those with anyone else. 

I wouldn't want to share the inside jokes, sitting next to him on the couch, massages, spooning, on and on.... those are our special things.  Things that make our marriage special.

Now, maybe if I had a few husbands around I could spread out that Honey Please Do list... Hmmm
I wouldn't mind having one of these guys around.

                                                                                             

Could you share your husband?

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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I love Gman.  We've been together for almost 21 years; married for 16. 

The one thing I would like is for him to be a little more romantic.  Who am I kidding with the "little more".  He is NOT romantic at all.  I've told him many times I wish he would try to put in a little effort to do something sweet and romantic... but no.

I'm a pretty easy woman to please.  I don't whine about Valentine's Day, anniversaries or whatever.  I don't expect roses and diamonds at every turn.  But you know, I expected something different for my 40th birthday.  I expected the unexpected.  I wanted to be wowed and swept off my feet by his romantic gesture.

Instead I got a cake and a bag of Dove chocolates.  He then took me to pick out a laptop. 

No surprises.  No red ribbons.  No cards or letters written with words of love and romance.

I'm a little bummed.  The girlie girl inside me so wants to be romanced, wooed.

He's a good man.  A good father.  A good husband.  I'm lucky to have this wonderful man in my life.  So I won't bitch about it ....but still...

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Monday, October 11, 2010

Last week I turned 40.  Not really much to say about that.  I wasn't sad or depressed in any way. 

Actually, I found myself announcing it to everyone.  I also felt myself walking just a little bit taller... kinda tough to do since I'm only 4'11".

I also found myself not giving a shit about what anyone thinks.  I'm short.  I'm over weight.  I'm broke ...and I don't care. 

I love me, faults and all.  I'm no where near perfect but I'm no scumbag either.  I love me and if you don't like me I don't care.  Say it to my face.  Say it behind my back.  I just really don't care.

A friend asked me how I felt about turning 40.  I said, "I'm not dead so I'm pretty happy about it".  I guess that about sums it up.

I'm complicated.  I've had my share of difficulties.  I've had my share of blessings

I'm 40 and I couldn't be happier.

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Sunday, October 10, 2010

Too many young people killing themselves.  It's such a waste of of life. 

To them I say:  So your gay.  So your bullied.  So you feel you just can't face another day.  Well, you are not alone.  There are people who care.  There are people who have walked in your shoes.  Life is not all bad.  There will be good times.  There will also be the worst times ever.  DON'T GIVE UP!!!

Killing yourself is the easy way out.  It proves NOTHING.  It's cruel to those you leave behind.  It's cruel to those you love and who love you. 

Why do people feel the need to judge and hurt anyone who differs from them?  Whether the person is gay, a different color, dresses different... what gives ANYONE the right to judge?  

Those people loudly demonstrating their disapproval at a young man's funeral - SHAME ON YOU!!  Have some class, some empathy, some compassion.

For those who just can't stand someone's cloths, the color of their skin, the people they love...keep it to yourself.  Why waste your days being angry at total strangers?  You will never change them.  Your hate adds nothing good to this world.  It adds nothing good to your life.

Anger is contagious.  Hate is ugly.  

Releasing the anger and hate leaves more room in your heart for love and happiness. 

So live the life YOU want to live.  Love.  Be loved.  Be happy.

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Saturday, October 9, 2010

By the time I was 24 I was married with two boys.  So when my 25th birthday rolled around I was SO depressed.  I thought I had to know everything.

As a young cute girl, I was able to smile off my mistakes and all was forgiven.  Giving the boss a smile and a giggle would let me off the hook.  After all, I was just a young woman...the new chick on the block.  How was I to know that confidential fax would end up in the wrong hands.  (btw, that never happened, I'm just saying).


For me, 25 meant all that cutesy crap was over.  No more glossing over my mistakes.  I shouldn't even be making mistakes (big or small).  It was time to be serious.  It was time to be a grown up.


Boy was I so wrong!

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Friday, October 8, 2010

After being offline for some time, I'm finally back!  Wow, does the world feel smaller without the Internet at my fingertips.

It felt weird to have this running dialog in my head with nowhere to put those thoughts.  Sure, I've had journals for many years but after starting a blog it somehow feels strange to go back to pen and paper.

Thanks so much for staying with me and sending me prayers and good vibes.  It felt SO good reading through the many comments - thank you and thank you so much for continuing to read.  It means a lot to me.

     I'M BACK, BABY!!!!

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