Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Here's yet another of my shameful and embarrassing confessions.  It's really hard to admit just how oblivious I was.  Just me in my own little world.  I hope it helps someone out there who may be feeling or thinking the same way I did.

Reading that book ("Lord, I Want to Be Whole" by Stormie Omartian) got me thinking maybe it was time for me to read the Bible.

Satan lies and puts doubts in your mind though.  He laid huge roadblocks before God's plan for me and I let him.  He made me believe there was no point to reading the Bible - like God really wrote the Bible - come on.  Anyway there would be time for that later - life was busy and I had a tightly packed schedule.  Even if I did read it I was too stupid to understand the words, the message, the meaning.  Did I really want to be one of those people?

I tried to push all doubts aside as I headed to Barnes & Noble.  On the way, I asked God to lead me down the right path.  I told Him (although He already knew) my fear of not wanting to read the Bible because I was afraid I wouldn't understand (let alone pronounce) what I was reading...would that make me evil? 

I was so overwhelmed!  Do you know how many Bibles there are?!  It was a super huge section.  As I walked down the rows of books (all the while asking God for guidance) a cover caught my eye.  This was the one.  I knew it.

Just reading the study information included taught me so much.  I didn't know the Bible was made up of books.  I didn't know the difference between the Old and New Testaments.  I didn't know about asking Jesus into my heart.  I learned I could talk to God continuously throughout the day without having to kneel, bow my head and close my eyes.  I learned the first 4 books of the New Testament (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John) are called the Gospels.  (I always wondered what that meant)

Because I knew many stories from the Old Testament, I decided I would start at the New Testament.  You know, I couldn't pronounce all the words and I didn't understand some of the meaning.  Yet I didn't feel bad about it and I did not feel evil.

Reading the Gospels changed my life. 
Before reading I didn't know the difference between God and Jesus.  They were kinda both the same for me.  For the first time in my life, I felt close to Jesus.  For the first time I felt how powerful and intense His sacrifice.  I asked Jesus into my heart.

I also realized that reading the Bible isn't a one time thing.  I didn't read the Bible and poof all my questions were answered.  Every time I've read the Bible a new message reveals itself.  I believe that's God's way.  He's given me tons of advice and when I really need Him, he speaks to me through His word.

Reading the Bible didn't make my problems disappear always and forever.  Satan still leaves doubts, lies and roadblocks.  Only now I know how to fight back.  I don't shut God out anymore.  I try with all my might to keep a positive attitude.  Now, I believe in His love and know He is always with those who ask.

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Monday, August 30, 2010

Shortly after that meeting with Bill, we were at Walmart when I decided to wonder through the book section.  I wasn't really looking for anything specific.

As I scanned the books and titles, one book stood out:  "Lord, I Want to Be Whole" by Stormie Omartian.  If you know Stormie Omartian you know where this is heading.  I did not know Stormie Omartian so it meant nothing to me.

The book laid around the house for 3 or 4 months until I even opened it.  When I finally did start reading I was very disappointed - it was a religious book.  I had read the title but I thought it was more like - Man, I want to be whole.  I didn't think it was a religious book.  How could read this stuff when I
couldn't even tolerate
all those preachy people on TV?
Reluctantly I continued reading.  I was so surprised when I couldn't put it down.  I learned a lot about myself and realized there were so many things I was doing that were not good for my spiritual health.  Things I never thought of as harmful or a big deal whatsoever.

This book was full of great advice that didn't seem preachy at all: 

  • ...forgiveness doesn't make the other person right; it makes you free.
  • ... the state of your mind affects the state of your heart...
  • You will never find peace, restoration and wellness if you nurture a spirit of anger.
I then cleaned house.  I also started listening to Christian music and giving those "preachy people" a try.

Little by little, step by step, God was bringing me closer to Him and I was finding peace.

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Sunday, August 29, 2010

We all have times in our past that we are ashamed or embarrassed about.  This is one of those times for me.

I was forced to be an adult early in life.  I've been working every since the summer when I was 14.  From the time I was 16 my mother made me purchase my own cloths (including school cloths).  Shortly after I turned 18 (while just beginning my senior year of high school) I was out on my own.

I had our first son (M) three weeks before my 21st birthday.  At 23 I got married - I was four months pregnant with our second son (C).  I had him one month after I turned 24.  It was no secret I was a pregnant bride, everyone knew.  I always imagine everyone taking bets as we took our vows.  (Joke is on them)

I did everything so fast.  I also had a mini mid-life meltdown early.  I was only in my late 20's.  Those were rough times in our marriage, tough times in my life.

Although I had a full time job, I felt useless.  I felt I was losing myself.  I was no longer Mona, one fun awesome hilarious chick.  I was now Gman's wife and mother to M and C.  I felt so lost and Gman just did not understand.

I started drinking (a lot - migraines would soon stop that).  One day I bellied up to the bar to drink my sorrows away.  An older man (late 50's) was sitting a bar stool away from me with a friend.  We got to talking.  He said he and his wife were in town (from FL) to celebrate their anniversary with family.  He also told me he almost didn't marry because he was going to became a priest.

He asked me about my life and why I was there all by myself.  I told him some of my "stuff" (which I honestly can't remember any specifics).  He then told me he had once felt depressed and alone too.  He said he met a man then who counseled him and gave him something.  He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a rosery (similar to the one in the picture). 

He said he had been carrying it in his pocket for the last 20yrs and now he wanted me to have it.  I didn't want to take it but he put it in my hand, holding it with both his and closed my hand around the rosery.  He then told me there were answers but I would not find them sitting on that stool.  I cried, hugged him and left.

Although I never saw Bill again - I still remember his name - he changed my life.

I still carry that rosery with me, waiting for the time I can change a young person's life too.
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Saturday, August 28, 2010

If all goes well, I will be starting my 10th school year this fall.  Although I've held many positions throughout the years, I hope to return to my last position as the attendance clerk in our elementary building.

I will never have too many digits in my bank account working at the school but I have become rich in many other ways:

I've been able to get to know my boys' friends, their friends' parents and teachers.  I also hope I've brought a positive influence on our many students as well as a smile to my co-workers.

Because I only work 24 hrs a week, I'm also able to enjoy being a stay at home mom.  Having the summers off to dedicate to my family has been priceless.

The cons:  Because I only work 24 hrs a week, I have zero cash and I am unable to get my boys everything they need... or want.  I'm also unable to take some of the financial stress off Gman's plate.

I am a hard worker, dedicated and willing to do anything needed to get the job done.  I enjoy my job but after all these years, I'm losing hope that I will one day land a full time position.

God has a plan for all of us.  Although a full time job office job close to home would be my ideal, I'll face each day knowing I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.
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Friday, August 27, 2010

Originally written in June 2010 but never posted.

People should have to take parenting classes.  You need a degree/license/experience to do anything - except be a parent.  It's the most important job a person can do, yet any yahoo can bring as many little people into the world as they want.

I work at a school and I see A LOT of idiots.  We send home countless notes regarding school events.  Detailed notes sent home from the classroom and school office.  School news displayed on our website, marquee  and posted all over the building.

It never fails.  Some dumb ass is always calling and asking, "Is it a half day today?", "What time are the students dismissed?", my favorite, "When is the last day of school?".  IDIOTS!

On a Thursday we were dismissed at 11:30.  A kindergartner was not picked up so we called home.  Mom did not know it was a half day.  She then calls back because she cannot find her keys and can WE contact someone else to pick him up.  WTF!!  We should call?  Isn't she holding a phone?  Isn't she his mother?

We called several people.  Finally mom came (an hour later), running into the building, grabbing his backpack and rushing him out the door.  No thank you.  No sorry.  What a bitch!

So being in a bitchy mood myself, I called and left a sweet message on her phone reminding her that the next day (last day of school year) was also a half day and dismissal was at 11:30.

Friday came and would you believe it?  That bitch DID NOT pick up her son again!  This time the poor kid only waited for 30 minutes before a relative came for him.

My kids are teens and I still get freaked out if I don't know where they're at.  I just don't understand this laid back lack of concern some parents show their children.

Being a parent is the most important job I'll ever do.  From the very beginning I've done it with love, patience and pride.  It's more then feeding your kid and putting them to bed.  It's building a strong relationship with them and non-stop teaching, leading them down the right path to be kind respectful people.

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Thursday, August 26, 2010

Originally written in May, 26 2010 but never posted.  After reading this, I thought maybe I was being too harsh.  In light of a missing boy (also from a small town) I don't think we can ever be too careful with our children. 

The morning was looking great.... and then I went to work.  I hadn't even made it in the office when a parent stopped me in the hallway.  She asked if it was OK for her child to sit outside the office after school until she was able to pick him up a half hour later.

I explained that there isn't supervision at that time and it really wouldn't be a good idea.  She nodded her head as if in agreement but only really wanted to hear me say, "Yes". 

This shit just burns my ass!  Come on people!  I know you have to work.  I know it's important to you.  Now do YOU know you have to work?  Do YOU care about your child's safety?

Best outcome:  The kid remains seated in the hallway keeping himself busy but still practicing good school behavior.  Mom comes to pick him up.  All is well.  Everyone is safe and happy.

What could happen:  ANYTHING!  Kid runs the hallways, gets carried into the bathroom (we've heard stories), runs across the road, gets hit by a car, breaks a leg, gets kidnapped, gets bullied, blah, blah, blah, WHATEVER.  Bad Shit Happens! .... Fox News at 10:00.

I love how this bitchy mom turns the tables on ME.  Making like "oh, I'm so sorry to be such an inconvenience to you" and the whole - feel sorry for me because I'm a working mom and I just don't know what I'm going to do about Little Johnny after school...even though I've known my schedule for days.

I'm just so sick of people wanting everyone else to fix their lack of planning.  Make it work, People.  Get your shit together.  These are the people who worry about nothing because they know someone else will pick up the slack.  Someone will give Little Johnny a snack, pay for his lunch, give him yet another day to bring in that overdue paper, pay for his field trip, give him a ride to practice or the game.

For all you do to be helpful and kind, these are the first people to bitch about you when they don't get their way. 

I guess I care more about this kid's safety and well being then his mother does.  And don't give me that, "I'm a working mom" shit.  I'm a working mom too.  My kids were in good care.  They have their homework complete, notes signed, forms filled... whatever.  If something slips through the cracks I don't expect anyone to fix my problems.

I locked my keys in the car and made it work.  The day went on as normal and no one else was effected by my situation.

It's OK to ask for help, but fucking A, at least try to help yourself out first once in awhile.

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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

OK, so you wouldn't know it by the title but I am the most optimistic person you'll ever meet.  When the shit hits the fan I'm always, "Things could have been worse".  I try to see situations from others' point of view.  I practice good manners and daily random acts of kindness. 

However.... there are many times I just want to tell that rude asshole where they can stick it!

So, to keep myself out of jail from beating the shit of some dumb ass mother fucker with zero common sense, I lay out my rants here.

How do you deal with your stress?

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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I've always told our boys I am their first teacher.  Actually, I haven't handed that job over to anyone (for more than a school year) as I am still teaching them.

Our most recent on going discussion is about random sex... well, sex in general: 

~  If a random girl is having sex with you she's obviously done this before with someone else, don't sleep with someone you don't know.  She can regret or perceive an act as rape - so again - make sure you have known her for some time.

~  No means NO.  Even if her body is saying maybe or heck yeah... If "No" or "Wait a minute" comes out of her mouth at any time - STOP even if she changes her mind.

~  Don't have sex with someone (especially for the first time) if she is under the influence - it's hard to tell (especially if you are under the influence) if she is a willing participant or if she'll even remember the next day.  You could be accused of a sex crime.
~  Wrap it up (use condoms) even if a girl says she's on the pill - you are responsible for you. 

~  If a girl becomes pregnant you need to respect and support her - no matter what her decision may be.  I too will be supportive. (although my wish would be to keep and raise the baby - even if I have to do it myself - I can't wait to be a grandmother).

~  When you take a girl out - you are responsible for getting her home safely (this also means safe from herself as well).

~  Most of all be a gentleman.  Be responsible.

These discussions have been uncomfortable for all of us but if I don't talk to them about these subjects who will?  No one on earth will ever care about their well being as much as I do so I need to have these discussions - no matter how uncomfortable... my boys are worth the embarrassment.
We are doing our best to raise the best young men possible.  They are fortunate to have many awesome men in their lives to look up to:  Gman, my dad, dad-in-law, JP, B (brother-in-law).  These are all such wonderful men, husbands, fathers.  I hope our boys will follow in their footsteps.

Monday, August 23, 2010

C will be getting his driver's license soon.  I don't know if my nerves can take it.  I still feel uneasy when M pulls out of the driveway.

The worst part is trying to give them advice:  "I know, Mom"; "I can take care of myself, Mom"; "I can handle it, Mom".  UGGGHHHH!!!!  It drives me nuts!  No, Son, you don't know.  You may be able to handle it but just take our advice will ya?

What is it about testosterone that makes them feel so damn invincible?

I've told these boys (too many times to count) we love them more that anything.  More than anyone on earth, we have their very best interest at heart.  With us there are zero ulterior motives.  All we wish for them is to be happy, healthy and at peace in their lives.

Yeah, go ahead and listen to friends.  Get their input/perspective on the given situation.  However, please keep in mind, we are the only ones who will ALWAYS be there for you no matter what.  The advice we give you is only to keep you safe from harm and bad choices.
Our boys take our advice as criticism but if we didn't care we wouldn't try so damn hard to keep them on the right path.  I just hope one day they will look back, know and feel 100% in their heart how much we love them.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

NOTE:  Originally, posted on my MySpace blog on September 24, 2008.

So he said I was going to have a baby.  He put his hand on my knee and he asked, "What are we going to do?"  "Have it", was my response.  "Good answer", was his.  I kinda thought the question was funny because he was my doctor not my baby's father or anything.I gave birth to that baby.  She put him in my lap and left the room.  I looked at him.  He looked at me.  Now what?  I didn't know what to do.  What was I supposed to do?  So I uncovered him and counted his fingers and toes.  Isn't that what you're supposed to do?  I'm sure I heard it somewhere.  Then I quick wrapped him back up so I wouldn't get in trouble from the nurse.  (I didn't get it yet that he was mine)

My baby.  I held you in my arms and looked down into your eyes.  You held on to my finger with your cute little fist.  Oh, I made so many promises to you on that day we first met.

My baby.  Watching and waiting for all the firsts… crawling, walking, talking, going to school.  How exciting.  What was my baby going to do next?  To see all the things he did for the first time was just … well, there are no words.  You just can't explain the flip a mother's heart takes when her baby is tackling yet another milestone. 
My baby…a toddler now a teen.  I know how to be a teen.  I was great at it.  But I've never owned one of these before.  Now it's time for all my firsts.  No one told me how to answer questions like "How late can I stay out?", "Can I ride with Heath to catch a movie?", "Can a bunch of us drive down to Florida for Spring Break?".  (still no answer for that one yet)  There seems to be a new more horrifying question every week and my stomach still feels uneasy each time he pulls out of the driveway.  My baby…a high school senior.  As the school year started I found myself doing things for the last time.  I filled out the varsity football picture form…for the last time.  I wrote the school year schedule down for him…for the last time.  He's having his school pictures taken…for the last time.  And I can't help remembering all the firsts….and how those felt so much better.  That flip of my heart is now a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes as I watch him do all these things…for the last time.  When you were a baby, I would hear this song and cry because it reminded me of you.  It still holds true…for the first time and always…
I hope life treats you kind,And I hope you have all you dreamed of,
And I wish for you joy and happiness,
But above all this,

I wish you love.
I am so very happy for you and excited about all the firsts you still have to look forward to.  You've made us so very proud.  I will always love you, M.  And you will always be my baby.  That same baby being held in my arms, looking up into my eyes, holding my finger with your cute little fist, hearing all those promises and making my heart flip...just like that day we first met.....
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Saturday, August 21, 2010

As I've said before, marriage is not all romance and roses.  So here are some things that Gman does that annoy me:
  • He leaves his socks where ever he takes them off - along with his work cloths... well, any cloths.
  • He is a major pack rat.
  • He imitates voices on TV and he thinks he's good at it - not.
  • He does not pick up his toenail clippings.
  • He leaves hair in the sink after he shaves - he
    shaves his head too so there's a lot of hair.
  • He complains way too much - a glass half empty kind of guy.
  • He uses my car and leaves me on empty.
  • He changes the radio settings in my car.
  • He won't let me drive his car.
  • He is so NOT romantic.
  • His side of the closet is a mess - I've given up trying to keep it organized.
I'm sure there's more.  These are just the ones that come to mind.  Notice I didn't list my annoying habits.  That's because he rarely mentions them... as I rarely mention his to him.  This is what I mean about letting go of the little things.  Really, are any of these things (even together) worth leaving this man?  NO.

My Deal Breakers:  Abuse (physical or mental) to me or our children, drug or alcohol abuse, refusal to work and support his family financially.

What are your marriage tips?  What are your deal breakers?

Friday, August 20, 2010

When I lived with someone I thought it was the same as being married.  I didn't see how a piece of paper made any kind of difference.

Now that I am married I see things differently.  It's more than a piece of paper.  We made promises to each other in front of our friends, family and God.  My father gave my hand to Gman, giving Gman his approval to care for me and our children (yes we had 1.5 kids before we married - yup, we did it before Angelina & Brad)

When I lived with someone it was on / off / on / off.  When you're married it's not that easy.  I can't just pack up, leave and never look back.  I can't kick Gman out and change the locks.  We have children.  Everything in our life ties to one another.

Our life has not been happily ever after.  (Newsflash - no one's life is)  Rose petals and hearts don't fall from the sky and music does not play in the background as we travel the world sipping champagne and making love on the beach.

Movies and TV make it all seem wonderful.  They make women feel that love is perfect.  This great handsome guy sweeps you off your feet, gets down on bended knee and puts a huge rock on your finger.  You have a big beautiful wedding, set off in the sunset to live happily ever after.

In reality, love and marriage take a lot of work.This is what works for us:
  • We laugh - A LOT.
  • We still flirt with each other.
  • We do nice things each other - daily:  giving a massage, saying nice things, just using good manners toward each other.
  • We compromise - A LOT.
  • We talk - just us:  it's usually at the end of the day but we spend talking to each other.
These aren't "Rules".  We never decided this was the way it was going to be.  It's just been a happy accident.

One of the cards we received at our wedding said, "Marriage is like a garden.  You need to tend to it everyday so weeds don't set in".  It is SO true.

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Thursday, August 19, 2010

During the time Gman was in the hospital I kept our schedule going as usual.  (I didn't want the boys to know how scared I was that we might lose their father)  We got up each morning and went to school as usual.  It was actually the best thing for me - a time to focus on something else and keep my mind from worry (except for a couple of times when I would call him).  I'm sure it was the same for the boys.

After school C and I would go home to care for Payton and then off we went to the hospital. (M had football practice after school and would visit him sometime after) I would wash Gman (he didn't want the nurses to do it) and stay with him until visitors were asked to leave.  Then home we went to have a very late dinner.  I would then call him and talk until it was time for bed.  It was such a physical and emotional exhausting time.

Although I had a breakdown while talking to my sis-in-law (P); I never let on to our boys my great fear of losing their father.  The only time I allowed myself to lose it was at night on my pillow.  I never even let Gman know how scared I was.

It was just so hard to see him in pain and there was just nothing I could do.  I also felt rejected by him.  Anything I did was just not good enough.  He seemed annoyed with everything I did.  He was grouchy, even mean and that is just not him.  It was a very tough time for all of us.

I didn't blame him for not being himself.  He was dealing with he own set of emotions.

After he was back home, each day got a little better.  Eventually, I got my sweet happy husband back.

They say the stress of medical problems and

hospitalization can lead to divorce.  I can so see that now.  It's so stressful.

There will be tons of marital hurdles to come.  It wasn't pretty.  It wasn't without hurt feelings... but we jumped that one, Baby!  I love you always!

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Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Originally posted on my MySpace Blog.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008:
Gman saw the doctor again the other day. He was given the OK to go back to work (29th). He's still walking slow but he's back to being the same old Gman. We laughed our asses off today just watching TV. It felt good to just be together. Gotta love that guy!

Monday, September 29, 2008:
Gman was scheduled to go back to work today but he started feeling badly again. He saw the doctor today instead. The doctor doesn't know what's going on. At this point he's guessing acid reflex. He gave Gman med samples and I'm hoping that will do the trick. Gman was given the OK to go back to work tomorrow. Maybe we can finally all get back to normal.

Saturday, October 4, 2008:
Gman was finally able to go back to work this past Monday. Although he is still not feeling 100%, we are all on our way to getting back to our normal routine.

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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Originally posted on my MySpace Blog.

Saturday, September 13, 2008:
Friday morning doctor said they were going to keep Gman for yet ANOTHER day.... but he ate his lunch (soup) and kept it down so I finally got to pick him up late Friday afternoon and take him home. He is on a liquid diet and still sore but he is SO HAPPY to be home. He's finally smiling, laughing, happy. It feels so good to have him home. Our family is complete.

He still has to go back to get the staples out...I'm sure that will be another adventure. : )

Thanks again, for all the love, support and prayers.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008:
Gman saw the doc today and had his staples (25 according to my mom-in-law) removed. He still can't go back to work. As days go by, he is looking better and better.
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Monday, August 16, 2010

Originally posted on my MySpace Blog.

Sunday, September 7, 2008:

As a few of you know we've had a rough week.

Gman got really sick Wednesday night. He finally went to see the doctor Friday morning. He was sent to the hospital for testing and ended up needing surgery Saturday morning. He is still in the hospital today and will definitely be there through Monday. After Monday it just depends on his body and progress. He has been up out of bed, walked down the hall and sat in a chair for a while.

The cause…Meckel's diverticulum. (the following was taken from HealthA-Z.com)
Meckel's diverticulum is a congenital pouch (diverticulum) approximately two inches in length and located at the lower (distal) end of the small intestine.

It is located about 2 ft from the end of the small intestine, is often about 2 in in length, occurs in about 2% of the population, is twice as common in males as females, and can contain two types of ectopic tissue-stomach or pancreas. Many who have a Meckel's diverticulum never have trouble but those that do present in the first two decades of life and often in the first two years. (end of quote)
Addition:  That extended part had flipped over the intestine, tightening causing everything to be backed up.

Gman is still in pain. It hurts to see my rock, my funny nutty husband be in this condition. Thank you, P (my sis-in-law) for being there for us. Not only for your medical knowledge but also for being there for my breakdown.

And as I always say… "Be grateful for everything,".. even the ugly stuff. I'm grateful for the doctors and staff that took such good care of Gman. I'm grateful for my mom-in-law (R) and P. I'm grateful that my kids were safe and healthy while all this was going on. I'm grateful to have a vehicle to get me to and from the hospital. I'm grateful to my friends and family. I'm grateful Gman will make a full recovery. I'm grateful for our Lord Jesus Christ who carried us through these very worrisome days.
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Sunday, August 15, 2010

After I graduated from high school I started a new job at a department store.  While being trained on the cash register, I noticed this guy walk by.  I told the woman training me I thought it was weird because I had seen him there about an hour earlier.  She then told me he was a security guy there to catch shoplifters.

I thought he was good looking.  I couldn't help but notice him as he walked around the store.

The next day, I was on my own at a checkout lane.  He came through wanting to purchase a candy bar.  He told me his name (Gman).  He had just moved here from his hometown 3 hours away.  He asked me tons of questions:  my name, where I lived, if I lived around there, etc.  I could barely talk.  He made me so nervous all I wanted him to do was go away.

Years later, his mom would share her concern for him as we would be standing in front of friends and family to marry.  When I asked why, she said, "Well, you know how shy he is".  At that time, I had never known him to be shy.  He was the first to talk to me

I've known him for over 20yrs now.  I love him with all my heart.  He has taught me patience, love and that marriage means stinking it out no matter what. 

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Saturday, August 14, 2010

My first love was a great con.  I believed everyhing he said - it just all really seemed to make sense at the time.  He was very sly that's for sure.

Looking back I see more signs:

  • When I asked him something he would repeat the question.
  • He would ask me to repeat the question.
  • Instead of giving me an answer he would ask me a question.
  • He would turn the tables and get so mad at me for even asking - saying how could I doubt him when I was supposed to love him.
  • He would also change the subject all together.  
  • He was the king of denial - even when I knew there was no other explanation or someone saw him do something - he would deny, deny, deny.  
I always ended up feeling bad about myself for doubting him.  He said he truly loved me and was only trying his best.  I was the bad one in the relationship.  If only I stopped listening to those unsupportive friends and family our relationship would be golden.

I guess because he never hit me, left bruises or sent me to the hospital; I didn't think I had a good enough reason to leave him. 

I now believe it would have lead to something more physical if we had stayed together.

I don't believe he is a bad person just because our relationship didn't work.  We did have some good times.  We just weren't good for each other. 

I do wish him well.... don't get me wrong I don't wish him to win the lotto or anything but I do hope that he has learned something from our relationship and is in a much better place.

I learned my own lessons:  Listen to the universe - see the signs.  If your family - people who really love you - are telling you there is something wrong with him, they're probably right.  You can't hold on to someone who doesn't love you.  You'll never have a strong healthy loving relationship as long as you're holding on to a wreck of a relationship.  When it's over, let it be over... out of sight out of mind.

Letting him go wasn't easy.  I did love him.  I didn't think I could breathe without him.  It was VERY painful but it was the best thing for me.  I moved on and never looked back.  Once I did that, I was able to let in that really great guy

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Friday, August 13, 2010

Love is complicated and it is truly blind.  Sometimes that's a good thing.  It can also just be sad.

That first love is the best feeling ever.  It is also so painful when it ends.

Oh, my first love was great - until it wasn't.  I didn't have enough experience to know when it was time to get out.  All I knew was that I loved him and I wanted to be with him forever. 

I finally left him only because I did not want to have a relationship like my parents.  I did not want to put any future children through that kind of life of not knowing how long their parents would be together.

Looking back with experienced eyes I can know see things differently.  What was I holding on to?.... screaming, yelling, fighting, crying, fist holes in walls, police being called ... does that sound like love? 

I wanted to be with him.  He wanted the bar scene.  I should have left long before I did but love is blind and I couldn't see what the universe was shoving in my face:
  • He couldn't hold on to a job.
  • It was always someone else's fault.
  • He cheated.
  • He abused alcohol.
  • He smoked pot - later I would find he had an addiction to crack.
  • He punched walls. 
  • He was very manipulative.
  • He separated me from friends and family.
  • He made me feel that I was the problem.
  • He made me feel sorry for him saying I was the only good thing in his life.
  • He would be ever so sweet making promises until I would forgive him and take him back.
  • We didn't fight fair - always bringing up the past and calling each other names.
  • Things were thrown, broken, police called.
Would have been a great marriage, huh?

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Thursday, August 12, 2010

The summer before I started my senior year of high school was beautiful.  I met my first love.  He was tall, athletic, blond with the most beautiful blue eyes ever.  I was 17 he had just turned 21.  I spent a lot of time with him and slowly started hanging out more with him then friends.  That's what happens when love is young, fresh and new.

He was good to me.  He bought me my first car.  OK it was a total piece of shit but no one else was buying me a car.  In the best of times, he was affectionate, attentive and protective - I always felt safe with him.

As summer turned to fall, I headed back to school.  Shortly after starting that school year, I turned 18.  A week later, I walked into my bedroom to find my mother, her sister and my cousin packing up the little that was left of my room.  Because I was rarely home she thought it was time for me to leave.

With nowhere else to go, I moved in with my boyfriend.  Each morning I would drive him 40 min to his job.  Then come home to take a shower and drive in the opposite direction 30 min to my job.  I would get to my afternoon classes then head to pick him up from work.  Looking back, I am so proud of myself for holding down all those responsibilities - I even purchased my own senior pictures.

Later things between us started becoming just like my parents - hot/cold/hot/cold.  Our fights had a lot of screaming, yelling, and calls to the police on a couple of occasions.  I told him I couldn't deal with it anymore.  I didn't want to be like my parents.  If after a year our relationship was still unhealthy, it would have to be over for good.

A year later we were not only still behaving badly, but I also found out he was addicted to crack.  Love really is blind because I had zero clue.  It was time for both of us to move on. 

I did speak to him a few times after.  At one time he was in rehab and wanted me to wait for him.  There were many times after that he tried to manipulate his way back into my life with all the promises I had heard before.  The last time I spoke to him he was in jail... Boy, did I dodge a bullet.

I also learned a great lesson
You can't pick up roses if you're holding shit. 
Meaning you can't pick up roses (a great relationship) if you are still holding on to shit (a bad relationship). 

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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

As my blog has grown, I have gotten to meet so 
many great supportive women. 

As a thank you, I've installed an awesome widget (sidebar) that displays my top commentators.  It links you to their profile page where a link to their site is easily found.

At this time these chicks top the list.  I love, love, love their blogs so please visit them.

Thanks for your support, Ladies!  You Rock!

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Tuesday, August 10, 2010

During the holidays of my sophomore year of high school, my parents started having trouble again.  My mom took off to spend the weekend in Michigan with her family.  Only she did more then hang out - she met and slept with some guy she never laid eyes on before.

She came back home and all was well... until she discovered she was pregnant.  (The creep guy told her he couldn't have kids - the first of countless lies)  So in the middle of my sophomore year she moved.  This time, I would not be going with her.

I stayed with my dad.  It was just the two of us until the day my mom called upset.  She said she needed me.  JP was 10, she was pregnant and she needed my help.  So I gave in and she was on her way to get me.  The one thing I regret was not telling my dad right away.  I hurt him.

My mother didn't help the situation by bringing her baby's daddy with her to pick me up.  I'm sure that was even more hard for my father... and still he stayed in my life.  He really is a good man.

That August we welcomed my new baby brother, JL.  He is 17 yrs younger than me.  My mother was out of it for a couple of weeks after having him.  She slept on the couch.  I slept on the floor beside her with JL in a bassinet nearby.  I got up in the middle of the night to feed him, change him and hold him until he went back to sleep.  He was the best little doll ever.
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Monday, August 9, 2010

My dad was great.  He always kept a job.  We always had a roof over our heads.  He didn't abuse drugs or alcohol.  He raised us to work hard, be responsible and respectful.  Even when my mother packed us up and moved to another state, he stayed in touch... which wasn't easy in the days before emails, blogs and text messages.

My mother did not have a good marriage role model.  She also has a sister who has always been miserable and loves the company she gets from my mother.  So when things got tough, my mother would pack us up and move us out.  She would then play hard to get until my dad came back making more promises.  She'd then pack us up again and move back to another state.

We moved SO much.  We were dragged from one school to the next.  I went from Kindergarten to 4th grade without having stayed a full school year in the same school.  Finally, in the 5th grade, I made it through one entire school year at the same school.  I actually stayed there through the 7th grade only to be moved in the middle of 8th grade to another school.  

During high school I was lucky enough to only go to two different high schools.  I started off in Ohio and moved to Michigan in the middle of my sophomore school year.  I actually got to finish out those years in the same school.

So you can see from the get go, I've been on the move.  So to this day, I hate change.  Just the thought of losing our home and moving again sends me into a mental breakdown.  Even if we won the lotto, I would love nothing better then to stay right here.  Right were I've spent the most happiest days of my life - with Gman, our boys and the Dobe.

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Sunday, August 8, 2010

My mother tells me I was conceived in Florida.  I was born in North Carolina on a military base (my father was a Marine).  I grew up in Ohio when my parents were together.  In Michigan when they were apart.

My mother was 19; my dad 21.  I gotta hand it to my dad.  He was young and handsome with the whole world in front of him.  Still, he always had a job, was always financially responsible and always stayed in our lives - something my mother did not make easy for him.

I think my mother had an unrealistic view of marriage being happily ever after.  Her parents were divorced so she learned when things got tough - get the hell out.  She also listened more to her siblings and mother then to her own heart.

I was seven when my mother was pregnant for the second time with my brother (JP).  One day (while pregnant) she left me with the neighbor and went to spy on my dad during his lunch hour.  She saw him sitting with a woman, eating lunch at a picnic table. 

She picked me up, packed up the car and off we went to Michigan before my dad got home from work.  This was just one of many, many times my mother's immaturity got in the way of her happiness.

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Saturday, August 7, 2010

I've known Gman for just over 20yrs.  Some think it's just luck but our marriage is like many others. We've had our share of good times and bad.  We've even covered sickness and health. 

Gman is taking this set of tough times pretty bad.  I see the stress on his face.  I think it's starting to effect his health - the other day he mentioned feeling light headed.  (he won't go to the doctor)  He is usually the calm one.  Now he seems grumpy and grouchy... bitchy even.  I've told him we have so much to be grateful for...he's not going for it.

I've tried to do my part by not bitching about things we can't get.  I've also sent out my resume.  I've clipped coupons, bought generic and sale items.  All purchases are necessity only.

Each evening, when I can catch him sitting still, I'll give him a massage... hands, feet, knees, head, back - sometimes one part, sometimes all.  In some small way, I just hope to ease his stress... even if for a short time.

He's my rock and it hurts me to see him this way.  I tell him every day how much I love him.  I wish there was more I could do.

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Friday, August 6, 2010

I am grateful for everything God has given me.  I am very blessed.
  • I have a great husband (Gman) who does not abuse drugs or alcohol.
  • Gman is a great father.
  • Our boys (M & C) are smart, funny, responsible, healthy young men.
  • Our dog (Tyson) is sweet and protective.
  • I have a supportive father and brother.
  • My in-laws (every single one of them) are great people.
  • We both have jobs when so many do not.

  • We still have our home... and even if we don't someday, I will ALWAYS be grateful for this home.
  • Gman gave me a heads up about losing online access so I'm scheduling as many posts as possible.                                          
  • Thank you, Lord for giving me a positive outlook on life to get me through the rough times.

  • Who knows, maybe those reading this (going through tough times of their own) will find the silver lining in their own situation... or at the very least, feel less alone.
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Thursday, August 5, 2010

I've applied for a few jobs... no word yet.  I'm crossing my fingers but scared at the same time.  

I'm a creature of habit.  I don't like change.  I think that's because there was SO much change for me while growing up...so much drama.  For me, standing still in a drama free life is fine with me.

I made the call to my doctor to discuss the Lap-Band.  I wasn't able to get in until September.  I just hope I don't change my mind by then.  

This isn't an "easy fix" for me.  In fact I'm really scared I'll die on the table.  I also know I have to do something.  I've had little success, losing 20 pounds but I give up when I don't see results quicker.  I can't say "maybe this will help".  It HAS to.

Wish me luck and say a prayer as more changes come my way.
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