Monday, October 25, 2010

My Phobia

I moved around a lot as a kid and went to many different schools.  So I learned quickly to make them laugh or be laughed at.  I've always been friendly and outgoing.  My graduating classmates nominated me female class clown and female practical joker.

During my first serious relationship, my boyfriend slowly turned me away from my friends and family; taking up all my time and attention.  I think that's when this thing started.

I'm still friendly but the outgoing is at a standstill.  It's hard for me to be in an unfamiliar situation or in a place with tons of people.  I start getting so worked up/nervous/whatever that I can actually trigger a migraine. 

Most people are surprised when I tell them... but then slowly recall all the times I backed out of a party with a lame excuse.
At first I didn't know what the deal was.  I would actually purposely start a fight with Gman just so I wouldn't have to go somewhere. 

He finally confronted me and asked why.  At that point I really didn't realize I was avoiding people.  It didn't make sense to me... and still doesn't.

Working at an elementary school I see tons of people every day.  I get groceries.  I go shopping (although I don't like it).  I go to the movies (although not as much as I'd like). 

It takes me a long time to get myself mentally ready to go somewhere - sometimes days.  I think the toughest part is getting started.  (I dread getting ready to go somewhere).  

Most of the time, 5 minutes after walking through the door to wherever, I'm fine.  It's just the days before and the getting ready to go that make me want to vomit. 

I really don't know why the thought of being around people gets me so freaked and I don't know how to fix it.

2 Friends Commented:

Adrienne said...

I think it says a lot that you face your fears and still go, even when you dread it. :)

More Milestones said...

This was leading up to my next post... wait until you read where I went.... It wasn't easy.