Friday, August 13, 2010

Sometimes Love Isn't Enough

Love is complicated and it is truly blind.  Sometimes that's a good thing.  It can also just be sad.

That first love is the best feeling ever.  It is also so painful when it ends.

Oh, my first love was great - until it wasn't.  I didn't have enough experience to know when it was time to get out.  All I knew was that I loved him and I wanted to be with him forever. 

I finally left him only because I did not want to have a relationship like my parents.  I did not want to put any future children through that kind of life of not knowing how long their parents would be together.

Looking back with experienced eyes I can know see things differently.  What was I holding on to?.... screaming, yelling, fighting, crying, fist holes in walls, police being called ... does that sound like love? 

I wanted to be with him.  He wanted the bar scene.  I should have left long before I did but love is blind and I couldn't see what the universe was shoving in my face:
  • He couldn't hold on to a job.
  • It was always someone else's fault.
  • He cheated.
  • He abused alcohol.
  • He smoked pot - later I would find he had an addiction to crack.
  • He punched walls. 
  • He was very manipulative.
  • He separated me from friends and family.
  • He made me feel that I was the problem.
  • He made me feel sorry for him saying I was the only good thing in his life.
  • He would be ever so sweet making promises until I would forgive him and take him back.
  • We didn't fight fair - always bringing up the past and calling each other names.
  • Things were thrown, broken, police called.
Would have been a great marriage, huh?

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