Friday, December 25, 2009

During a holiday work party, I went up to my husband to give him a hug when a co-worker asked me, "Do you know you are the luckiest woman in this room?".
I knew what she meant but still I asked "why?". She went on to tell me how wonderful my husband is and how I should love and cherish him. (What made her think I don't love and cherish him?) As we left she made her way to him and tried to go in for.... for well, I don't know what.... but she got a half hug at best.

My family says I think too much about things. I don't know if that's a ME thing or a woman thing... whatever... I couldn't stop thinking of this woman. I mean that's pretty ballsy to hit on someone's husband not only in front of them but USING them.

Another thing my family says is - I'm always focusing on HOW things are said - and it's HOW she said this that really bugs me. I mean I know my husband is great.... but why am
I the lucky one? He's pretty damn lucky too.

She also made reference to her boyfriend who she feels is imature. This actually cracks us both up, as my husband still finds bodily noises funny and is entertained by SpongeBob and Disney.

No one is the perfect package. Relationships take work. Don't wish for what someone else has because you really don't know what you're wishing. We've put hard work into our marriage. There are things that we love about each other and things that annoy each other. We embrace the things we love and work through the other junk.

But really, how did she know?..... I am the luckiest woman.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

When my boys were much younger (single digits) we had ourselves the best snow day ever. We slept in late, had breakfast and were out the door. We built a snowman with hat and all. The boys tried to build a fort. We had hot chocolate and grabbed our pillows and blankets and piled ourselves in front of the tube. The boys put their mattresses on the floor and we watched Rugrats and any movies/specials with a snow theme. We even watched Snow Day (the movie).

Although we never had another snow day quite like that one we did stick to the same more or less. There were some changes. Snowmen stopped being built. That snow fort never did get fully constructed. Rugrats was out and Christmas Vacation and Elf were in.

This snow day was like no other. One boy in college, one boy in high school... both with a snow day. We all slept in. Because we each woke up at different times, we each made our own breakfast. The boys spent this extra free time in their rooms playing video games and watching movies on their own.

Although I was excited about the free days (2 snow days in a row), I'm kinda sad remembering that perfect snow day.

I miss my boys being little guys. I miss making their days special. Now they have their own ideas of the perfect snow day.

I'm 39 and I can't wait for grandchildren. Am I nuts or what!

Monday, December 7, 2009

I can't believe how long it's been since I've been here in front of my home anyway.

Life has gotten in the way. Work, husband, boys, puppy, home, me time.... damn, it's tough being a woman. Fitting in all the things that need to be done, things I want to get done.... things I'm avoiding to get done.

While I'm typing of avoiding.... my new (now old) vow to eat healthy, be healthy, walk... has gone down the toilet... yet again. Life got in the way.

It's almost 11pm and I'm so tired to type. It's tough being a woman, mom, wife, friend, co-worker, sister, daughter, cousin.....I'm sure I'm forgetting my other hats.

How are you wearing your hats?

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

This week I will be working on the following:

* Start taking a daily multi-vitamin.
* Start eating breakfast - cereal/oatmeal.

I will be back to work next week (school) so here's hoping all goes well.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

If you're a mom of a football player you know what two-a-days mean.

Our oldest (M) has played rocket football in elementary, middle school, JV and varsity footfall. Football has been a huge part of our lives. We even named our Doberman Payton after Walter Payton.

Our youngest (C) doesn't have the same passion for football as the rest of us. We never pushed it on him. I think maybe he was a bit intimidated by the intesity of the rest of us.

M doesn't play college football. He is working for the team's equipment manager so he is still on the field although he is not running plays.

It's very strange. To be out of that invironment... to not be on that sideline/bleachers screaming my ass off.

I'm not sure if I'll be going to any high school games this fall. It may just feel too weird for me. I don't know we'll see.

Rock on football moms!!!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Take the "How Rude Are You?" test at
My result was the following:
Miss Manners
You couldn't be more considerate if you were Emily Post herself. Motivational speaker Peggy Tabor Millin once said, "We never touch people so lightly that we do not leave a trace." You take that to heart and, in turn, inspire those around you to be the best they can be.
No. I didn't cheat. Although I do not consider myself "Miss Manners", I do consider myself considerate and respectful toward others... sometimes to a fault.

Friday, August 28, 2009

I work at a public school. This is my ninth school year. I've worked on the playground, in the kitchen, cafeteria, locker room, classrooms and office. I've worked in both the elementary and middle school buildings.I have recently changed my position AGAIN. I will be in a different building but working with familiar faces. It is 15 minutes less time per week. I will have the opportunity to sub a whole lot more.I just have this huge pit in my stomach as if I'm making the wrong choice.

he choice to change positions was mine. The woman I was working with is just too nuts for me to work with any longer. She talks badly about EVERYONE so I'm sure she talks badly about me as well. She gossips constantly about coaches/teachers/principals. She also noses around in student files at the high school level checking grades and rankings and sharing this information. I just do not want her bad habits to be blamed on me.Other than her, I love what I do and who I work with. I love the students and they like me. I know my job and do it well. I just do not want to be the fall guy when she is eventually caught being unprofessional.Did I make the wrong choice? Am I working against what the Lord wants for me? Wouldn't it be nice if that 8 ball we had as kids really worked?

UPDATE:  I made the move from the middle school building back to the elementary and I love it. It was a GREAT move.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

September is almost here and many changes are just around the corner.

M will be starting his first year of college. He will also be turning 18 mid September. He has decided to stay home and save money during this first year. He will be working during the football and baseball seasons for the teams' equipment manager. He received scholarships and monies for being valedictorian and other various achievements so he's pretty much set financially.

C will be starting his first year of high school. He will be turning 15 late November. He is taking a wood shop class. I'm glad. He really hasn't shown an interest in anything. I'm hoping he will like this... and make me some stuff. He will also be starting driver's training. I don't think we're ready for this.

Tyson will be getting his ears cropped. We're not sure when. Before he was to have them done, he had blood work done. It came back with low counts. So they put him on vitamins and meds. We have to see what happens from there.

There are changes for me regarding my job. Though at this time, I don't know what the outcome will be. No doubt I will find out at the very last minute. Ahh, the perks of working at a public school.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

This week I will be working on the following:

* Drink at least 60 oz of water daily - from 40 oz.
* Stop eating by 8:30pm - from 9pm.

I plan on posting pics. When? Who knows. I haven't worked up the courage yet.

Any weight loss tips would be GREATLY appreciated.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Tyson is now nine and a half weeks old. We have had him for two weeks.

He knows how to sit. He's working on stay - he does really good for the most part. Sometimes he comes when you say his name - sometimes he is distracted and that blade of grass seems like the most interesting thing in the world.

He has not had an accident in the house for the past 2 or 3 days. When he needs/wants to go outside he sits by the door. I can't remember how long it took Payton to be potty trained but I've read not to expect it until they are 3 or 4 months old.

Taking care of a puppy is so much like taking care of a baby. We get up twice during the night to let him go potty. Everyone has been lending a hand and doing their part. It makes things a little easier.

Tyson is now 17 pounds of sweet furry goodness. He is just delicious.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The moment is so peaceful. Everyone is sleeping - even Tyson.

It's a bit gloomy out. (We had some storms last night) Everything is quiet. TV's off, no cell phones ringing, no running, or yelling. All is quiet and peaceful. I love these moments - knowing everyone is home and safe.

It hasn't been like this in a very long time. I'll enjoy it while it lasts, which can't be much longer it's 10:00am.

Hubby usually gets up at 5am even when he doesn't have to work. Tyson should be getting up soon too. Now two teen boys...they can sleep until 1:00/2:00 pm. (Hubby does not like that)

I think I'll go back to bed too.

What are your favorite moments?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

It's that time again. I was not looking forward to this post. I did not have a successful week. It's ok though because I have my list of the many excuses in my mind ready to convince us all that it's ok and there's always tomorrow.

Really, I do have a list and I was ready to give you all my "legitimate" reasons for my lack of effort. I won't do that though because that's exactly what it was a great lack of effort.

I always tell my boys it takes zero effort to get an "F" on their report card so I NEVER want to see that (so far so good). I give myself an "F" this week. Damn, that sucks.

It's really hard to say that, to type that. But as I sit here I know I need to be honest. Honest to you. Honest to myself.

So where do I go from here? I was thinking I would not add another challenge this week but then I changed my mind.

So this week, in addition to what I should already be doing, I will be working on the following:
* Stop eating by 9:00 pm.

Just to let you know, I really DO NOT want to hit that "Publish Post" button.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Actually, I don't read Cosmo or Elle. I don't care what color is in season. I don't need any symbols on my cloths/makeup/children etc to show the world I'm living large. I don't need roses or diamonds. (My husband is happy about that one) To be honest I don't really get the "shoe" thing.

I've always called myself "Plain Jane". A couple of my fancy women friends take this as if I'm putting myself down and always make the, "No you're not" soothing voice to cheer me up. Uhhh, I kinda like me as I am. I don't feel as if it's a put down in any way at all. Low maintenance. That's me.

Don't get me wrong, I like doing my hair, waxing my brows, and putting on makeup. I just don't feel the need to do it
every day. As long as I have deodorant, I can get up and go no problem. In fact, I don't even wear makeup much during the summer.

Now, don't get pissed. I'm not knocking the fancy women of the world. I love my fancy woman friends and they love me.

I'm just saying, why do women beat on each other? So you get that symbol; those shoes. If that makes you happy great. Embrace who you are. Love yourself. Just as us "Plain Jane" women should.

Maybe I'm not girly because I have boys. Maybe God gave me boys because I'm not girly. Whatever. I like me.

Monday, August 17, 2009

As seen on TODAY - Dr. Nancy Snyderman (NBC News Chief Medical Editor) gives Swine Flu Survival tips:
  • Practice Good Hand Hygiene
  • Don't Share - viruses stay on hands and objects which are brought up to your face
  • Check Temperature - keep children with fever home
  • Stay Home - don't go to work/school sick - protect others
  • Hand Sanitizer - send with kids who may not be washing hands as well as you would like
  • Get Vaccinated - vaccine will be out in October
I work during the school year. I'm sure I wash my hands at least 10 times before I leave the house for work. As soon as I arrive I wipe down my phone, keyboard, mouse and desk with Clorox wipes. I also keep a bottle of hand sanitizer on my desk that I use frequently throughout the day.

I am a handwashing FREAK but really how easy is it to wash your hands the right way: water - soap - rub - rinse.

The boys (hubby too) do not listen or take advice unless it's on ESPN. Now if I could only get Brett Favre or Tiger Woods to do a PSA and demonstrate good hand hygiene I'd be set.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I don't like talking on the phone much anymore. I am just so irritated by the lack of manners people have while talking on the phone.
It seems my friends and relatives with younger children are the biggest offenders. They half listen to anything I'm saying... that is unless it's them calling me at 3am with a mental breakdown or fight with their husband.
I'm going through a lot of shit here. It's my turn to need a shoulder to cry on.
Instead I'm on the phone with women who are yelling at their kids, talking to a cashier, leaving a drive-thru order or even sitting next to a friend and talking to them at the same time. Where are everyone's manners? Not to mention compassion.
Yes, I have had to interrupt a conversation but those are few and far between. I also make apologies for those. I do have friends with manners who will do the same.
I'm talking about those women who CONSTANTLY display this rude behavior. It is not only annoying but also hurtful.
The quote below makes me think maybe I have been giving my respect to those who just don't respect me.
Good manners are just a way of showing other people that we have respect for them.   ~Bill Kelly
Sometimes the best thing you can give someone is your time and attention. Next time you're talking to a friend don't forget they just may need you more than you know.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I'm going to continue to walk everyday.

I am also going to start drinking more water.... who am I kidding with the "more". I'm going to start drinking water - at least 40oz of water each day.

You know for a few months there I was doing really great with the water thing. I was drinking 90-100 oz of water... and going to the bathroom A LOT. Drinking all that water helped me cut out the pop. It also made me full faster when eating.

What are your weight loss/maintenance tips?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

We picked up our new puppy last night.
Although it was almost an hour drive, he took the ride home pretty well.

HE IS SOOO DAMN CUTE!!! Fourteen pounds of sweet furry goodness.

He's only had two accidents in the house.... I laughed both times. He urinated like a drop compared to Payton's small pond. Even his puppy poops are cute... maybe because they were outside.

We took him for a ride to get him some toys. This toy says "Twizzlers". I got it for him because I LOVE red Twizzlers. Sick, huh?

I think he loves his Twizzlers too.

It's funny how similar puppies and babies are. I feel as if I'm potty training the puppy the same way I did our boys... taking him to the "potty" every few hours, cutting him off beverages (well, water) at a certain time and giving him tons of praise for going potty like a big boy.

He has brought back the smiles and laughter to our home and I am so very grateful for that.

Monday, August 10, 2009

We were lucky enough to find someone with Doberman puppies. They only had three males left. I'm ok with that. I'm used to being surrounded by males.
We picked out our new pup but have yet to bring him home. Unlike with Payton, I had a very hard time finding just the right name.

Hubby and I have decided on Tyson. Hubby suggested the name Pyson but I like Tyson. Also, when I picked him up, he licked my face and nibbled my ear... he likes ears! Come on... is that a Tyson or what?
Our boys don't care for the name much but I figure they will be moving out before you know it so.... it's up to Hubby and me.
I am so excited. I can't wait to bring Tyson home and make him family.
Through all the excitement I have not forgotten my dear Payton. I miss him so much every day. His loss still hurts. The pain he went through still hurts. When I think of him, I still cry when I'm alone... hell even when I'm not alone. (It's really annoying to people but I don't give a fuck.)
A cute new puppy will not take away the love I will always feel for Payton but I'm hoping it will help with the emptiness.
Because of all the moving while growing up, I didn't have a pet (for that long anyway). I had Payton in my life longer then any other furry friend. Maybe that's why I turned into the Doberman freak I am today.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

So many changes have happened in the last year. It's been very emotional.

I don't like change... I think more so than the average person. I had SO much change as a child I don't like anything rocking my world. I went to several schools, lived in several houses and was tossed between two states. I lived with both parents. I lived with my mom - no dad. I lived with my dad - no mom. (more on that later.... maybe)

Through all the crap that's been going on I am still grateful.

I'm grateful for:
  • Hubby, boys and their good health
  • Extended family - love you Paulette
  • Hubby has a job
  • I have a job during the school year
  • Our oldest will have a job in the fall
  • I had Payton for seven wonderful years
  • We have a home
  • We have somewhat working vehicles
  • None of our utilities have been turned off
  • Being chosen by as one of their Featured Writers for "CNN Can Shove It Too" - (that's right, I'm tooting that horn)
Most of all, I'm grateful to God for always carrying me. You need only ask once and He will be there for you even when you think He's not.

Just as we do with our children, I believe we do not always like the lessons He teaches us. Just as with our children, those lessons are the best thing for us.

Have a safe and happy weekend.

Friday, August 7, 2009

If you know me in person or have been reading my blog; you know we recently lost our seven year old Doberman (Payton) to bone cancer.
We looked at dobie pups and decided to get one. I know. We're nuts. More crazy... we'd take two pups if we had the cashola.
We will be picking him up Monday and have not come to a decision about the name.
I actually came up with the name Payton. We are football lovers so we named him after Walter Payton.
So does anyone have a good name for a male Doberman pup?

Thursday, August 6, 2009

I was chosen by as one of their Featured Writers for my article CNN Can Shove It Too. CNN Can Shove It Too was posted on this blog on July 17, 2009.
I hope you enjoy it as much as they did.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

When a smoker decides to stop smoking they remove cigarettes from their lives. When an alcoholic decides to stop drinking they remove alcohol from their lives. The first thing these addicts do is remove all the cigarettes or alcohol from their home.

When a person has an eating disease they cannot remove all food from their lives. Food cannot just be removed and avoided. At least three times a day we need to face our addiction, making sure to take just a little bit of our "drug". Can a smoker take just one puff? An alcoholic one sip?

You may think I'm going too far, being too dramatic. You must be healthy. I was once healthy too. I started gaining my weight slow and steady after the birth of our second child. I'm only 4'11" and am now carrying a whole lotta weight. It's not a matter of looking just so anymore. I really need to get healthy.

At this time I do not have high blood pressure, diabetes or any other problems that obese people have. I feel blessed about that but I know it's only a matter of time.

I've tried to lose weight before with some success. Eventually I'd give up because the weight wouldn't come off fast enough or a million other excuses I don't have time to type.

Now I'm going to try something new... I'm announcing to everyone (well, anyone who will read this) my desire to lose weight. Well, I hope to lose weight anyway. Maybe the fear of public failure will be just what I need.

Typing this post alone is a huge step for me. It really is embarrassing. I'm trying not to picture all the faces of family and friends reading this... not to mention any faces I've never seen before.

Although I can really pack it away at times, I think my biggest problem is I don't move. So there's where I will start. Starting today I will take a 30 minute walk every day.

My Plan: Every Wednesday I will post an update... successful or not.

My Weekly Weight Loss Challenge: take 30 minute walk everyday.

Wish me luck, People, here I go... again.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Things have been just thing after another. Yesterday was a very emotional day. Actually, it's been an emotional roller coaster since... well, I don't know how long. (Have I mentioned I don't like roller coasters?)

I felt slowly but surly things would get back to normal. Whatever "normal" is... it's been so long, I just don't know anymore. I had a good visit with my father. We rescued Cooper. Our oldest was finally safe at home after being across the country for over a week. Hubby, our youngest and I had a pretty good week. Hubby was on vacation and although we didn't go anywhere special, we were happy together.

Then the past few days all shit started braking loose. My father went back home without even saying goodbye. (still have to find out what that was about) Our oldest came home with major attitude. Our youngest got an ear infection and was in constant pain. Cooper bit our youngest and went back and forth from being sweet to growling and snapping. Hubby had enough with the arrogance
of the oldest and told him to knock it off. (Hubby is VERY laid back. It takes a lot to get him pissed.) I got upset with the disrespectful way the oldest was being and had a HUGE blowup telling him so.

Early yesterday afternoon I decided to get out for a bit and take Cooper to get gas in the car. After paying for the gas, I went to get into the car and Cooper starts growling at me. WTF! Doesn't this dog know all we want is to give him love, comfort, a home, a family? That was it. I had made too many excuses for him. I realized that this situation was not good for him or our family. We needed to take him back.

Our youngest was so hurt. He knew the dog couldn't stay with us but he didn't want to send him back to the SPCA. (Although our youngest holds his emotions close he is very sensitive.)

I felt all eyes on me as Cooper and I stepped into the office. I felt like a failure. Why couldn't we make this work? All this little dog needed was more time, love, security. He was so sweet as we walked in, wagging his little tail and I swear that dog was smiling, happy to be back "home".

Yesterday was awful! It was full of yelling and crying. I cried for Cooper. I cried for Payton. I cried for our boys. I cried for our family. I cried and cried and cried.

Although I didn't know it yesterday, I feel it was the right decision. We're not ready for another dog. We need a puppy. A puppy with a clean slate who can get to know us and we him/her. There will NEVER be another Payton. We are all one of a kind. I still hope that we can find that furry friend for our family and I'll wait until I find those eyes I just can't walk away from.

I have always talked of gratefulness, God's Will and tomorrow being a new day to start fresh. This may have finally stuck to the boys. This morning they both did their chores without a reminder. We had a good breakfast and everyone picked up after themselves. No arguments. No back talk. No rolling of the eyes.

Today there was no more talk of yesterday...that will only lead to more arguments. We will talk with love and leave the yelling for football season.
Today has been as normal as things have been for a very long time....and I'll take it.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Early last week we went to our local SPCA to take a look at some dogs. I was expecting to just fall in love. I was waiting for that connection. To see a face I couldn't live without. I didn't find that.

Still I filled out an adoption application just so I would be ready to take my new furry friend soon as I met him.

Yesterday, hubby and I took our youngest to take another look around. The love arrow did not strike me but it did strike hubby and our son. They fell for a mini pincher. He has spent most of his life (2.5 yrs) there.

What kind of life was that? I felt bad for him. So we took him home.

There will be some getting used to on both sides. He has to get used to all things new. There are new smells, new sounds and new faces. We have to get used to his personality.

It's only been 24 hrs but we're all hopeful. I want this will be good for him and our boys.

I definitely know Cooper is not Payton. There is not a connection there. Maybe later. I still miss my Payton each and everyday. I still cry. How long will this hurt?

Thursday, July 30, 2009

I took a nap yesterday and had another bad dream about my mother. I am always having bad dreams that she is trying to kill me. What the heck does that mean?
We haven't talked in years. Are my dreams trying to tell me something? Like maybe this relationship is not good for me.
It's not as if this was one bad dream either. I've had several dreams of her wanting to kill me. My last dream had her stomping on the gas and pushing me out of a truck. She then turned around and tried to run me over. I went running in the woods in the dark to get away from her.
Creepy huh?

I also have had several dreams of losing my teeth. It's always a different situation but still...losing teeth.
Why can't I have nice dreams of winning the lottery or something? What do you dream about?

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I went to visit my dad who's been staying with my brother this week. After a nice visit I was pulling out of the drive. My brother lives on a busy country road where people drive at their own speed. The driveway is in the middle of a hill so you can't really tell if any cars are coming.

As I left my dad made his way to the end of the driveway to tell me when all was clear.

While driving away I could not help but smile. No matter how old or big I get, I will always be daddy's little girl and that feels good.

Please tell me I'm not the only nutjob.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

So I started getting everything ready to shampoo my bedroom carpet. I moved everything out of the way and vacuumed. I had just turned it off when my phone rang. It was my dad.

I hadn't seen him in a few years. He lives across the country and called to let me know he was at my brother's house five minutes away. He just wanted me to know he was on his way over. Gulp.

This is why I do not like surprise visits. Here I am, all my bedroom/bathroom furniture spread throughout the house. I'm wearing my comfortable yet not presentable stained and holey homewear. With vacuum in hand and jaw on the floor I explain to my dad I would have to see him later.

Although understanding he was disappointed. So, I decided to just hop in the shower and head over.

It was a nice visit (more later) but a VERY LONG day.

That To Do list for the week. Forget it. It's not going to happen now.

My family makes me feel demanding because I don't like these kinds of situations. I like at least a day's notice. Is that really too demanding? Really, I don't know. I want to know. Am I being rude?

Monday, July 27, 2009

As you know, I've been going through a ton of changes.

Payton, our 7 yr old doberman, had to be euthanised. The vet feels he had bone cancer. Although it did not show up on x-ray the blood work leaned that way.

The next day, our oldest set off on his road trip with two friends. They drove over 20 hrs to Florida. We still don't know how long he'll be staying there.

Our youngest wants to go out driving everyday. I'm not really ready for that. It feels as if we just finished doing this with our oldest.

Through all this, my husband and I forgot our anniversary on the 23rd. We've been married for 15 yrs.

We did everything backwards. We had babies and then we married. Now I wish I would have married him when he first asked. I was just too scared.

His parents are still married. Mine were divorced when I was seven. Their relationship was officially over when I was 16 and my mom got pregnant with another man's child.

My husband really changed me for the better. He made me more optimistic. He made me happier than I had ever been in my life. I am thankful for him everyday and everyday I let him know.

I'm also thankful for my mom-in-law. I hope I'm as good a mom as his mom. She made my husband the wonderful man, husband, father he is today. She's the best.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

I need to start by saying I love my husband. I am very blessed. He doesn't abuse alcohol or drugs. He works hard. He is the best father and husband.

OK. You get it. I love him. He's a good guy. Blah, blah, blah. So what's my problem with him? He has a problem with me. I wish he had a little more faith in me. Sometimes I think he thinks I'm an idiot.

On the morning Payton was euthanized he puked three times in the house. It was all in the same area. I had scrubbed the areas and planned to shampoo later. Well, later ended up being today.

I set everything up and away I went. Only the machine wasn't sucking up any of the water. So as I'm messing with it hubby is telling me what I'm doing wrong. What I'M doing wrong. He hasn't even read the instructions! He has never used the thing. He has never even SEEN me use it. Yet he knows what I'm doing wrong.

I reminded him that I have cleaned all the carpets in the house without his supervision. I could clean this area just fine.

As I typed that last sentence I realized why he irritated me so much. It had nothing to do with thinking I was an idiot. It was all about that one area.

I think hubby knew that the whole time. That's why he didn't put me in my place when I got bitchy. I guess I'll go apologize now. Damn, he really is a good guy.

The original title to this post was: I still have a brain you know

Humm. Reminds me of this quote:

When you realize you've made a mistake,
make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
~Dan Heist

Friday, July 24, 2009

Originally posted 6/27/08 on myspace. It still holds true today.

1 - Be grateful for EVERYTHING in your life... the good, bad, ugly... find something to be grateful for. If you focus on the good things, you don't have time to think about the crap around you.

2 - Faith...when you hit that ugly, dark, bottom of the barrel you need something to pull you out. The Bible is that for me...New Testament...great stuff.

3 - One good, long cry never hurt anyone.

4 - One good, small cocktail never hurt anyone... but never put your drink together w/the long cry...they don't go well together.

Being positive isn't always easy to do but it really does make a big difference in how you start to feel inside....and again, New Testament - great stuff.

As I go about my day, I express my gratefulness to God. Thanking Him for everything. Even finding something good in a bad / painful situation to be grateful for.

Thank you, Lord for everything you have given me. Thank you for always watching over my family. Thank you for the love you fill my heart with each and every day.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

I can always count on this kid to make me laugh:

So I took the boys to the dentist. The youngest (14) was finished first.
We talked while we waited. I have my craziest conversations with him. He cracks me up.

So as we sat there he whispers to me, "Why would anyone want to be a dentist?"

Me: "Yeah, I know. Staring at mouths all day. Kinda gross. That's why I brush, floss and rinse before I come here."

Him: "I don't. I want them to rethink their careers."

By the way, he did brush before we left the house.
So my 17 yr old & his friends will be driving the 20+ hrs to Florida. I have so many mixed feelings. I am happy for him. I want him to have a fun time with great memories. Mostly I want him and his friends to come home safe.

It does worry me to see my baby off in the big bad. I haven't shared those worries with him. I don't want him to feel my worry is a lack of confidence in him. I'm not worried about him doing the right thing. I'm worried about all the freaks out there.

I had the pit in my stomach on lockdown. I made a to do list to keep me busy. I thought all would be ok. Now with my Payton gone....

Is there a time limit for sadness? My husband thinks I should get over it. My youngest says he and I feel the most loss because we were around Payton the most.

Payton was supposed to help me through the empty nest thing.

I will "get over it". When? I don't know.
Once again the testosterone in the house is trying hard to stomp out my estrogen flare up.

I do take comfort that he is no longer in pain. Like the Quote of the Day says, I'm left with the beautiful scars of love. I find comfort in that too.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

My Dear Payton,

I love you so much. I know you were in pain especially your last day here on earth. I know you are in a much better place now.

You changed my life. I never understood the love people have for their dogs. I never thought I would be one of THOSE people. I didn't want my house to smell like dog. I didn't want fur on my cloths. I didn't want anything to do with getting a puppy no matter how cute.

We met you at 4 wks old and brought you home at 8 wks. We were attached before we made it home. That dog smell. Who cares. Fur on my blouse. Whatever.

You loved me like no one else. I never annoyed you...much. You were ALWAYS by my side. So it was only right that I be next to yours as you took your last breath. I didn't want to be there but I had to... for you. I didn't want you to be afraid. I didn't want you to be alone. I don't think you wanted me to be alone either, as you never shut your eyes.

Now I sit in my room. For the first time in years by myself, without you by my side. Alone. You followed me everywhere and I feel that loss now. The tears have yet to stop. My eyes hot, stinging, red and puffy. No words left to say. Inconsolable. I love you, Payton.
I recently told a relative to check out my new blog and tell me what they thought. Response, "I don't get it. What's the point?"

I wanted to say the point was... then I went blank. What was the point?

The point is there are way too many changes in my life right now for me to handle. I have a 17 yr old starting college in the fall and a 14 yr old starting high school. My oldest is driving to Florida. My youngest wants to drive everyday. My dog is dying.

My boys are not small children asking me to read them a story. I'm feeling the sadness of that empty nest. I don't work during the summer and my mind is going crazy missing when my boys were small children playing with the dog in the backyard.

I need to do something for myself. Blogging is a way for me to stop feeling sorry for myself. Instead of pen to paper it's fingers on keys. It's very therapeutic.

And why can't people be supportive? I'm supportive of others. I'm always trying to make others feel good about their day, lives, jobs, kids, themselves. So why do they make me the punching bag? Why is it ok for them to say rude uncaring things to me?

Family, co-workers, Wal-mart cashier, chick at the vet....rude, hurtful for no reason. I must have a sign on my forhead "It's ok to be an asshole to me I walk by faith".

FYI, I was not sucked into a confrontation with any of those people. I did not respond with my own bitchy rant. Does that make me a better person? No. I may unleash on someone tomorrow - nobody is perfect.

Update: Payton died later that day.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Dating in the Dark is a tv dating show on ABC. Three couples date in the dark without seeing each other. I'm sure it would be embarrassing to participate but it's so funny to watch. I like that these people are ordinary people. They are not super beautiful/ugly, thin/fat. They are just normal people. I saw the first episode. I think I'll keep watching.
He got a call today regarding a job interview. I hope he gets the job and they want him to start asap. That's not too much to ask is it?

Two problems, one stone...he's been wanting a job and I get to keep him home. It will not break my heart if he can't go to Florida.

I know. I know. He needs to see the world blah, blah, blah. I'm doing my part. I'm letting him go. I'm not guilting him stay home. I'm giving him valuable on the road advice. It's gold, baby.

He will most likely have his road trip with his friends. I am happy for him. I hope he has a good time with great memories. I also hope he takes tons of pics.

I've made a To Do list to keep me busy while he's gone. But really, no list is going to help this mom stop the worry.

Monday, July 20, 2009

I've never been a Kiss fan. Never bought an album - yes, I'm that old. I'm not a hater either. I just didn't care either way.

I caught Gene Simmons Family Jewels on A&E so I watched. I LOVE HIM! I love him, his wife girlfriend, the kids, Shannon's them! He has tons of money, a beautiful home, lots of toys but NOTHING is more important to him than his family.

I've always told my kids that they are the most precious things in my life. From the first episode of Gene Simmons Family Jewels you get that if he had to choose, he'd give it all up for those kids. His wife would be right behind him. They seem like very good people with a crazy ass sense of humor.

His kids (son & daughter) went to Mexico. Nick (son) was 19 and wanted to prove that he could take care of himself and his sister (17/18). Shannon (mom) could not go with and Gene was out of town. As soon as Gene got news that his kids were in Mexico he got on a plane and "bumped" into them.

Why is he so concerned? There are camera people following them around. They would stand by and watch something terrible happen? I don't think so. He is just as protective as I am and he makes zero excuses about it.

People are always calling me overprotective. Yup. What about it? Why does it make for good tv when Gene Simmons is over protective? I want my own show too. I'm hilarious. I love my family. I'm just as protective of my kids as Gene Simmons.

I can see it now... Mom of jewels - Mondays on Fox.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

It's pretty easy being a parent to our youngest son. No curve balls. I'm not new here you know. I've owned a 14 yr old before.

It's a little different with our oldest. I've never been a mom to a 17 yr old. It seemed as if, for awhile there, we were creating new rules everyday. I finally started feeling a little at ease. He knows when to call/text me, what time to be home, blah, blah, blah. Now he's thrown stone here, but a huge honking boulder.

He and two friends want to take a road trip to Florida. That's over 20 hrs drive my friends.

I love him with all my heart. My boys are my everything. Having said that....
This kid is driving me NUTS! I am so stressed! My nerves are shot. My hair is falling out...not kidding. I'm getting zits...again no joke! He might as well pull my insides out and flush them down the toilet.

So now I'm pulling new rules out of my butt... Four boys need to go so two can sleep/two can drive. I need to know the boys going. I want cell numbers of boys. I want phone numbers of their parents. I want a map of the their route. I'm going to want calls, calls, calls.

There are more rules...I just don't know what they are at the moment.

I have given him all the tools he needs to make good decisions. I'm still going to worry. Why is it not ok for me to say that?

People think I'm a nut-job because I say I'm worried. I'm not worried about him or his friends doing the right thing. It's all those freaks out there who are one crime away from being on America's Most Wanted.

I just wish he wouldn't roll his eyes at me all the damn time. I mean, I trying here you know. I'm giving him room to learn, grow, fly...but I'm freaking out here!

I know I'm missing more rules.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

I want to drink more water. I've gone through phases when all I'm drinking is water. I feel best when I can get in 90 - 100 oz. I'm also urinating every five minutes.

I feel guilty every time I buy a bottle of water. I recycle but I still feel shame. My husband thinks I'm nuts for buying water when the tap gives it to us for free. It makes sense but I just can't do it. So as with most things, he and I compromised. He bought me a Brita Pitcher & Dispenser Water Filtration System - classic pitcher - and told me to stop buying water.

I did not think Brita could do the job. I was not happy but whatever. It was only 13 bucks.
It was a pain in the ass to even get it out of the package. The directions are numbered in five easy steps...with more reading. Brita sat on the counter for a few days.

After finding my patience, I read through the directions and filled up Brita. Love it! The other nut jobs in the family love it too. The only problem is you have to keep the filter wet - which takes up room from the pitcher.
It seems as I'm always filling that thing up. I will be getting another Brita - probably a Brita Grand or Brita Vintage. I don't know anyone who has the dispenser. I'm not sure if I want to mess with filling that thing up and shoving that in the fridge.

For flavored water, use an ice tray to freeze lemon, lime or watermelon juice. I have found a great water bottle by Rubbermade. It's made of the right kind of plastic and everything. I ended up buying another one, I loved it so much. Yeah, I'm pretty much easy to please.

Brita does make it better.

Friday, July 17, 2009

I am so sick of people telling me I need to stop being so overprotective. I tell NO ONE how to parent. So why do people think it's ok to criticize my parenting.
I don't want to run down the list of awards and recognition my boys have received...let's just say they have themselves together. Those awards should have our names in the fine print because we are damn good people and caring parents.
I am dealing with my children growing up and moving on as best I can, thank you very much. I don't guilt them to stay home. I have told my oldest he needs to stay home because he's only 17. I don't want him to put pressure on himself to quickly move out. I never said he could NEVER move out - not seriously anyway.
I am protective. Why is that such a bad thing? I should let my sons come and go as they please without knowing their friends or what their up to? Yeah, and then they hold up a Speedway and kill the clerk. That's when CNN asks, "And, where were the parents?"
My boys would never do that? I'm exaggerating? Well someone's kids are doing it. Maybe the reason it's not our sons is because I am protective.
I do ask ALL the questions. I even ask for friends' cell numbers. When my oldest drove with another student to a neighboring state for volunteer work, I even asked for that student's home number and parents cell number. Over protective maybe but if they were robbing a bank, I'd be able to get in touch with the other kid's parents.
If CNN ever does call, I'll tell them to shove it too.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I am surrounded by testosterone. My husband, the boys even the dog.

The husband and the boys I wanted, the dog not so much. My husband is the one who wanted him. "The boys have to grow up with a dog," he said. So after much conversation and research we decided on a Doberman.

On the way home from picking up the new pup, I drove home. I would distance myself from the get go. I was NOT going to take care of it. He wanted the dog for the boys so he and the boys would be 100% responsible.

You know what's coming right?

My plan didn't last long. He would not stop crying until I put my hand on him (in the backseat) while I drove. That night he cried. I woke up, put him on my chest and comforted him. It felt as if I was back in time nursing my infant in the middle of the night. It was the same the next two nights but that really didn't matter. After that first night I was in love.

Seven years later, he follows me everywhere. He sleeps at the foot or side of my bed. He is the best company. He'll watch whatever I want. He never picks on me when I'm "acting like a girl" or being "over emotional". He is the first one to show sympathy when my estrogen starts acting up. Believe me the rest of them are happy about that one.

Now my Dobe is sick. I took him to the vet. I bawled the whole time I was there. I think I freaked out...well, everyone there. It has kinda surprised me how much I've been falling apart. I know I love him. I guess I didn't know how much. It just hurts to see him so miserable.

The boys used to ask who was in charge of the dog in case of fire/tornado. Joking I would say he is. He needs to follow quickly or get left behind. We would not wait for him and NO ONE was to go back for the dog.

The vet thinks it may be bone cancer. She kept him over night last night. She wants him again today. I miss him so much. I've had my husband in the hospital and both my boys had surgery. That pit in my stomach is back. It won't go away until he's home.

He needs to come home. Someone go back for the dog! My estrogen is acting up again!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I'm a lot like my grandmother (dad's mom). She loves with all her heart but she's also a hard ass. She had 14 kids so she had to be. Her dishes are done, carpets are vacuumed, things are clean but she's also a pack rat. There are piles of stuff here, there, book shelf is full of a little of everything. That's me.

One thing I can't get over is being a germ-a-phobe. I was cleaning everything with Clorox Wipes: door knobs, counters, stovetop, faucets, fridge handle, keyboard, mouse, toilet handles. I would then spray the air with Lysol.

I've found that by taking baby steps to go green I can save money too. I've now been making my own cleaning solution to take the place of my Clorox Wipes. I found this online: Fill 1/4 of a spray bottle with vinegar and the rest with water. I add a squirt of Dawn Dish soap. The vinegar smell takes some getting used to but as soon as it dries the smell is gone.

There are many benefits to using vinegar. Vinegar is very inexpensive. I buy large bottles at the Dollar Store for 75 cents. It is a natural disinfectant. Bugs hate the taste. Leave an open bowl with vinegar on counter overnight to freshen the air. I also clean mirrors and windows with the same bottle. LOVE IT!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

FYI, I had our oldest three weeks before I turned 21. It could have been much earlier as no one ever had "the talk" with me. (God has always been with me even when I didn't know Him) I set rules for myself and was successful at keeping them. Btw, although I wanted to have children young (after 21) I really didn't know how young.

When should you have "the talk"? We never had "the talk". We've had several talks from the get go. We used proper names for body parts. We answered questions as they came up as honestly as possible - you don't want to freak out a five year old you know. You also don't want to bore them - they don't care about your tubes.

We had the stinky pit talk. What changes to expect and it was ok to feel weird about it all. I also encouraged them to talk to one of us with any concerns about what was "normal".

Which "side" would I teach - safe sex/wait for marriage? After much conversation with God, I decided to encourage the following:

  • Not to rush into sex just because everyone else is active.
  • Oral sex (giving or receiving) is still sex - and at risk for disease.
  • Do not "hook up" (teen talk for sex) with random girls - if she can do that with you, how many other times has she done this?
  • Wrap it up - you could get something you can't get rid of and bring disease to your future wife.
  • Wrap it up - even if she say's it's ok, she's covered (she could lie) - you are responsible for you.
  • Wrap it up - you don't need to put yourselves in a place to make hard decisions if she became pregnant.

Yes, It was I who did all the talking while hubby sat nodding his head. I told my son that as much as he was embarrassed by the words that were coming out of my mouth - I was just as traumatized.... and I would have to say it again to his brother.

I have been over these subjects many times. I mean I had to tell Hubby a zillion times before he finally got that toilet seat thing down so I figure I better keep reminding his mini yeahoos. I think it's something in the testosterone.

Must see..."16 and Pregnant". It's a series on MTV. It follows a young pregnant girl around. It doesn't glorify teen pregnancy or discourage (purposely).
It seems an honest window in time. Showing both the optimism and excitement of being a new mom and the harsh reality that is the hardest, thankless job any woman (or man for that matter) can have.

Glitter Graphics -

Monday, July 13, 2009

I always have these funky, weird dreams. I've dreamt of pirates, my cousin getting sucked into a excalator while we were on a scavenger hunt, my mother killing me and the ones I really dislike - my teeth falling out.

I scared C a couple of weeks ago by screaming in my sleep. Gman and C tried to wake me up but I kept screaming. C even turned on the light - no luck. Nuts, huh?

Although I did not remember any of that, I did remember my dream. Yeah, it was violent.

Last night I woke myself up. How? Singing - Jeremy Camp's "I Still Believe". Man I was loud too. I can't believe the husband didn't wake up with that one... I DO NOT sing good AT ALL. Because of my compassion
for others, I only sing in the privacy of my own vehicle or bedroom. As much as my Dobe loves me, he will get up and leave the room.

So since you can't "hear me". I'll sing..... "Even when I don't see.... I still believe".

myspace graphics

Sunday, July 12, 2009

We create a lot spillage here. It can't be avoided. Between my husband, the boys, their friends and the dog, our carpets were looking gross. Really, what the heck is that? I don't think I want to know.

I did some research and it came down to two cleaners - a Bissell and a Hoover. There were pros and cons for each.

I don't work during the summer so I have to make my last paycheck s-t-r-e-t-c-h until the fall. Only if I were to wait til the fall I wouldn't have time to clean the carpets. So I sucked it up and last week I purchased my very first carpet cleaner.

I bought the Hoover Steam Vac (Silver Carpet Cleaner). Model #F5915900 - $149.83 from Walmart. I don't do Walmart (another story) but no one could beat the price. I decided on the Hoover only because I've had my Hoover vacuum for almost 10 years and (knock on wood) she's still a going strong.

The cashier was rude...I don't know why, she did NOTHING. My kid loaded up the large box. I did the self-checkout thing. I only asked if she could open the box so I could make sure it was well packaged because it looked as if the box (it was the last one) had been re-taped. I ended up taking a pen and doing it myself. Just another reason I don't like Walmart.

Cons: made of very cheap plastic so you need to handle with care. It does not come with the tool to clean the front of the machine which makes it a little tougher to clean.

Pros: good directions, upholstery tool and storage (I haven't used this yet), surge button, 2 brush speeds - or turn off, cleans bare floors, has a very long cord.

I've been cleaning the carpet in the morning (while the boys are still in bed) and by 2:00/3:00 the carpet is dry and I'm able to put the room back together. The cleaning itself isn't hard but it ain't napping either. I'm a big chick so this is a workout.

I love this machine. It was well worth all the work. Check out that nasty water. YUCK!!! Yes, I am so embarrassed!

When I finished I took a look around. It was so satisfying to see my clean carpet. It looked good. It smelled good. I just stood, looking, enjoying it all.

Then my youngest walked out of his room, walked on my still wet carpet and popped a bag of popcorn. Really? I hadn't even started to clean up the machine. Things don't stay clean long around here but that has to be a record.