Sunday, September 14, 2014

So you’re married and it’s getting old.  Your spouse doesn’t give you the attention they once did.  It’s all about the kids, bills, work, pets, home/vehicle maintenance.  Love, affection, sex… about extinct.

Then there’s that guy/girl that laughs at everything you say, touches you, gives you attention, makes you feel good about yourself.  They listen to you.  They become a good friend, confidant.  It begins innocently …texts, emails.  It’s not cheating because there is zero physical contact… you tell yourself.

It sneaks up on you before you know it.  Texts, emails, calls, lunches, drinks, dinner, intimate conversations …you know you shouldn’t but it all feels so good.  Makes you feel wanted as a sexual human being.  You find yourself thinking of them and even while you’re with your spouse your mind is with someone else.

No one has ever made you feel as good as your new lover does.  They are fun and carefree.  No worries of kids, schedules, bills, pets, work.  Only an intense affection and sex you do not want to give up.

You owe it to yourself to be happy.  We only get one life so why shouldn’t you spend yours happy?

Because you made a vow in the presence of your family, friends and God. 

Maybe your spouse would give you the same love and attention if you gave them the same love, attention, time, texts that you are giving your lover.

Go to your spouse.  Tell them you are unhappy.  Tell them what you need.  More than likely they want and need the same.  So work together to get those kids to bed by 8, cut kid sports to one per season, slow down your schedules, don’t worry about the sink full of dishes.  Get yourselves in bed by 9.  Make time for each other at the end of each day to lie in bed and talk about your day.  You loved each other once so build on that.  Give your spouse the time you have given your lover to make you happy.

And STOP fucking that home wrecker!  If they can do it with you, they WILL do it to you!  They obviously do not value marriage vows.  So when they talk of someone at work and you question the relationship and they say, “Oh, Honey, they’re married!”  Who cares!  You were too!

You may think it’s all fun and carefree and it is… no one bitching at you to cook, clean, throw out the garbage, mow the lawn.  It’s all a good time.  But a year from now you will have the same bills on the counter, same socks in the corner and someone bitching at you to throw out the garbage or make dinner.  But you will have also hurt your children, your parents, your spouse’s parents, friends and family.

Before you hurt all the people in your life, TRY to fix your marriage.

You did everything you could to make your marriage right.  Nothing has changed.  As you end your marriage treat your spouse with the honesty, kindness, and compassion that you want from them. 

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Who knew things could change so drastically?  Five years ago I knew exactly who I was:  working married mom of two boys. 

I’m still working (rather win the lotto).  Garett walked out on me.  My boys no longer call me Mommy.  They are now 19 and 22.  Chance still lives with me (for the moment).  Mason has moved 6 hours away and is now married (Mandy) with a daughter of his own (Nora).  So I am a grandmother and I LOVE IT!
Other then my boys and Nora my life is shit.  It’s empty and I don’t know how to fill it with any meaning.  My home once filled with laughter is painfully quiet.
It blows!! 
After all the hurt, lies, depression; I am finally ready for love again. 
I don’t want to be alone anymore.  Are you listening, Universe?!  I want to share my life with someone.  I miss touching, being touched, being loved. 
My day can go as good as can be.  I may even share a laugh or two.  But each day ends the same…. My head on my pillow in a cold bed….alone. 

Saturday, September 6, 2014

I’ve had love and lost love.  It hurts.  So why do I hurt myself more? 

I feel unworthy of love or happiness of any kind.  As far back as I can remember I was used, molested and felt dirty.  I never imagined myself married with children, happy but that’s what happened… but it was a lie.

I am not the kind of woman to close my heart off… turn cold, build a wall, pretend I don’t care.  I leave myself open to love… and hurt.

I am not vindictive.  Never have been.  Once it’s over it’s over why waste energy on hate or “getting even”.  I’ve always just walked away, eventually wishing the other well.

So why can I wish them peace, love and happiness so easily while hurting myself at the same time?

I have so many great qualities that mean nothing to the world.  I’m smart, funny, forgiving, honest.  I give my all to a man never wanting him to feel anything but good about himself.  Never letting him forget he is loved.  …. Eventually he feels so good about himself he walks out for something better.

All the world sees is this shell.  It’s ugly.  Literally ugly.  I am the most unattractive woman you will ever see.  Not one good physical feature.  Sad really because I’m filled with so much beauty.

I hate myself.  I punish myself for never being good enough.  So I give into my depression and have another drink.  I’ll pick up my bag of optimism tomorrow, as I always do.  Hoping again for a reason.

Monday, December 23, 2013

I'm not a materialistic woman - never have been.  It's always been the little things that brought me happiness... priceless to me.

At one time my life was boring and I liked it that way.  I had everything I needed to make me happy - a wonderful family, a home filled with love and laughter, a faithful loving husband and father even a family dog.  All American. 

Then began the changes... Mason (our oldest) graduated high school, started college and began his own way in the world as every child does.  Payton (my Doberman) had to be euthanized.  Chance (our youngest) would be starting his senior year of high school.  We added a new puppy (another Doberman) to our family.  Mason announced that he was becoming a father.

Things were changing but that's life. 

July 4, 2012 we celebrated, as we always did, with family and friends. 

July 5, 2012 that sweet, faithful husband of mine told me he was leaving me.  No warning.  No reason.  No second chance. 

Since that day, Chance and I have been through so much.  It has brought us closer and taught us the most important people in your life are those who stick around when the shit hits the fan.  We each faced our "stuff" in our own way - uncertainty, fear, hurt, anger, depression.

Garett turned into someone I never knew.  Who is the real Garett?  My sweet, kind, loving husband or this cold, cruel, selfish, indifferent man that wears my husband's face?

I don't know.  But I'm not asking anymore.  That man from the past no longer exists (at least toward me and our boys).  I forgive him.  I forgive her.  I wish them no harm... although I do NOT want them to win the lottery either.

I wish for the boys and I what I always have... peace, love and happiness... all to be found in the little things.

I'm looking forward to 2014.  No more tears.  No more anger.  No more hurt.  I will now focus on ME.  Loving me and treating myself a whole lot better.  It's not a resolution but a realization... I deserve better - no one can give me the peace, love and happiness missing from my life.  I have to create it for myself.

Getting my ass out of bed, wiping away the tears and becoming the woman I want to be.  The slate is wiped clean and it is my turn to focus on me and fix ..
  • Mind
  • Body
  • Soul
  • Home
  • New Job (w/the bells and whistles)
Ok, so I didn't ask for this.  I may never get over the hurt, lies, betrayal.  But I am so done being sad, depressed, misrable, pathetic.  No one can change my life but me!  

Here's to a new beginning!  Here I go!