Monday, January 23, 2017

First let me say I am writing this as a record/reminder of what I did/am doing to lose weight.  I am in NO way suggesting/advising anyone to follow my weight loss routine/tips/etc.

I know the do’s and don’t’s of losing weight the healthy way.  I’ve done it.  Had some success.  It was just very crushing to eat nothing and workout like crazy only to lose ½ a pound.  So…I fell off the wagon for about 2 years.

When I hit my top weight (last November)  I nearly shit myself!  (Not ready to share that number yet).

I started making small changes.  I didn’t do the following all at once.  It came little by little as I felt comfortable.  I have no idea how long it took as I wasn’t keeping track (thus this reminder).
  1. Stopped beating myself up.  I’m going to eat whatever I want as much as I want.  No guilt. 
  2. Only eat between noon and 7pm.
    I now try to eat large portions before 5pm/6pm.  Small snack until 7pm.
  3. Stopped drinking my calories.  Now drinking only water.
    I used Mio drops.  Now I use cucumber.
  4. Cut the fast food.
    By the time I reached this point the decision was pretty easy.  I have had Little Caesars twice.
    Again, not going to beat myself up.  Fast food is not gone forever.  I’m just choosing not to have it 1-2 times a day.  I gave up McDonalds two years ago because of a nasty manager.  Wendy’s was my favorite.
  5. Cut the sugary snacks.
    This wasn’t really hard for me. I’m not a cookies, cake, candy kinda gal unless it’s within reach.  Because I am a compulsive eater. 
  6. No junk food in the house.
    When getting groceries I skip the juice/pop, chips, ice cream isles.  Produce first.
  7. Apple Cider Vinegar.  2 tablespoons in glass of water twice a day before meals.
    A cashier told me about this when she noticed I was purchasing.  I also had honey and she advised me that I was getting the wrong kind.  I didn’t know what she was talking about.  Honey was for tea and vinegar skin tags.  I looked it up and gave it a try, without the honey.
  8. Green Tea.
    Drink 1-2 cups of hot green tea (with tablespoon honey) every night.
  9. Greatly Decreased Salt Usage. 
    Now use Mrs. Dash and other herbs.
  10. Water.
    Glass of water before meals.  I’m working on this one.
  11. Water.
    Working on getting 100oz of water in each day.
While doing some research on weight loss tips I ran across something called Intermittent Fasting.  Turns out that’s close to what I’ve been doing without knowing. 

What’s next?
Healthy Recipes
Meal Planning
Slow down with the Cheese
Exercise 

Sunday, January 11, 2015

I’ve been through a lot these last few years.  At one point it felt as if each day came with a new nightmare, new lie, new hurt.  I lost everything I counted on, everything I believed to be true.  My happy life built on a solid foundation was really lies piled on sand.

Bad things happen to us all but as long as I had my boys and Garett…well, nothing else compared.  My family was gold.  They were my life, my happiness, my world.

Then Mason left home, as baby birds will do.  That wasn’t the hard part.  It hurts to feel as if I no longer have a place in his life.  As if he doesn’t care to make room for me in his life.  THAT, I was not ready for.  We were so close and I believed we would always be close.  But calls and texts aren’t returned.  He said he would come home for Thanksgiving but went to his wife’s aunt’s home instead and only dropped by for a short visit before returning to his home out of state.  And although my heart hurt, like The GivingTree, I understood and was grateful for the time I had with us all together.  The real hurt came with these words from him, “I don’t need anything from you”.  It was the way he said it.  As if I didn’t matter.  I have abandonment issues… hurt and betrayed by my mother, husband, best friend.  So maybe I took these words the wrong way.  Still, they hurt.

Chance still lives with me.  I cannot express how much he has been my rock through these years.  He is patient, kind and knows my pain because he lives it too.  I have told him I do not want to hold him back.  He will need to leave the nest too someday and that’s ok.  It’s what all baby birds must do.  I will be ok.

I spent a very long time in a very deep depression.  It was hard on me because it’s not my personality.  I’m annoyingly optimistic, grateful, believing I don’t need stuff or money.  I only need my family to be happy….  Then it was all gone.  I lost my husband, best friend, mother, family, security, faith, optimism.  Left with this deep depression taunting me to end my pain by ending my life…that’s how the enemy works…with lies. 

I’m ashamed to say, at one time, I believed I had nothing to be grateful for.  I hated my life.  I had so many unanswered questions.  I hurt all the time.  Truth...  Not everything was taken away.  God refused to leave me even while I yelled at Him like an ungrateful brat.

Slowly, I dusted off my keys to happiness and started to be grateful for what I do have. Life is not perfect.  Things go wrong.  But I’m now finding my way back to me and finding something good in every situation. 

I may not have everything I want today but I do have everything I need.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Just like that it was over.  He left me.  No warning.  My life changed forever.  I was no one’s wife.

I was left alone, depressed, scared.  He wasn’t just my husband; he was my best friend, lover, my world.  I trusted him with my life and he ripped it to pieces.  My past felt like a lie.  My future…unknown.

As with any huge obstacle in life, it’s best to take one day at a time, one baby step at a time. 

I went through each room cleaning floor to ceiling and wall to wall.  I wanted no trace of him at all.  At first it started out as packing up his stuff (which he never came to get). 

I then re-arranged furniture in a different place because I didn’t want him to be able to imagine our home.  And now he can’t.  Every room is different from what it was when he lived here.  He never let me move things where I wanted and it felt so good to look back at each room with satisfaction. 

I went room to room taking inventory of the things that filled my heart with joy and things that filled it with yuck.  If it didn’t bring me joy it went in the garbage.

I learned a lot about Garett while cleaning and cleansing my home.  This was not his first affair.  He had been planning to move this one here for some time.  While the bookshelf we once shared held my self help books and having a closer relationship with God and my family; his books were all get rich quick and how to make money through different means … none having to do with hard work.  There was more but I can’t bring myself to share that at this moment.

Every wall wiped down, every carpet, floor and window cleaned.  Furniture moved.  Even the toaster had a new home. 

This was the first step to putting the pieces of my life back together.

Sunday, October 5, 2014


It’s been a year since you said you made a huge mistake and want me back.  Yet you are still living with her and her kid!  Nothing about that says you love me or regret your choices.

There was a time in my life I believed EVERY word you said.  Now I know better.

I forgive you for walking out on me.  That doesn’t mean I will ever let you back into my life.  (Fool me once and all that)  Maybe if you had treated me with honesty and compassion.  Even to this day you still lie to me and about me, steal money from me… still no honesty, compassion.  So why would I want you back?

You think just because you say you love me I’m going to fall to pieces and welcome you back with open arms?  NO.  I want more than words.  I want so much more than you have ever given me. 

We were not meant to be forever… or we would still be together.  I’m not angry or trying to punish you in any way.  It’s not about you.  This is about me.  Loving myself enough not to settle.

I stopped waiting for you a long time ago.  I’m still trying to heal from all the lies.  Trying to find myself without the titles – mom, wife. 

I only want to be treated with fairness, honesty, compassion.  I want what is written in the divorce you wanted.  Please just give me the peace I have given you.