Monday, December 23, 2013

I'm not a materialistic woman - never have been.  It's always been the little things that brought me happiness... priceless to me.

At one time my life was boring and I liked it that way.  I had everything I needed to make me happy - a wonderful family, a home filled with love and laughter, a faithful loving husband and father even a family dog.  All American. 

Then began the changes... Mason (our oldest) graduated high school, started college and began his own way in the world as every child does.  Payton (my Doberman) had to be euthanized.  Chance (our youngest) would be starting his senior year of high school.  We added a new puppy (another Doberman) to our family.  Mason announced that he was becoming a father.

Things were changing but that's life. 

July 4, 2012 we celebrated, as we always did, with family and friends. 

July 5, 2012 that sweet, faithful husband of mine told me he was leaving me.  No warning.  No reason.  No second chance. 

Since that day, Chance and I have been through so much.  It has brought us closer and taught us the most important people in your life are those who stick around when the shit hits the fan.  We each faced our "stuff" in our own way - uncertainty, fear, hurt, anger, depression.

Garett turned into someone I never knew.  Who is the real Garett?  My sweet, kind, loving husband or this cold, cruel, selfish, indifferent man that wears my husband's face?

I don't know.  But I'm not asking anymore.  That man from the past no longer exists (at least toward me and our boys).  I forgive him.  I forgive her.  I wish them no harm... although I do NOT want them to win the lottery either.

I wish for the boys and I what I always have... peace, love and happiness... all to be found in the little things.

I'm looking forward to 2014.  No more tears.  No more anger.  No more hurt.  I will now focus on ME.  Loving me and treating myself a whole lot better.  It's not a resolution but a realization... I deserve better - no one can give me the peace, love and happiness missing from my life.  I have to create it for myself.

Getting my ass out of bed, wiping away the tears and becoming the woman I want to be.  The slate is wiped clean and it is my turn to focus on me and fix ..
  • Mind
  • Body
  • Soul
  • Home
  • New Job (w/the bells and whistles)
Ok, so I didn't ask for this.  I may never get over the hurt, lies, betrayal.  But I am so done being sad, depressed, misrable, pathetic.  No one can change my life but me!  

Here's to a new beginning!  Here I go!

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Yeah, me.  Fake and phony putting on a smile, laughing, joking, being silly.  All a fucking lie!

"Wow, Mona, you are doing so well!  I knew you would pull through this."

NO!  I haven't!  I want to scream it.  I want to hit someone.  I want this to be done!

I know people who have lived alone for years and like it just fine.  I don't want that. I don't want to be alone.  I want a partner to share my life.  I want real.  Real love.  Real  laughter.  Real commitment.  I want someone to hold as I drift off to dream land.

Instead nothing but lies.  Was any of it real?

The loneliness is killing pieces of my soul every day.  I stayed at work until 6pm (only paid til 3:30) not only because I had tons to do but mostly because I don't want bedtime to come.  No one to share my day, hold, comfort...just a cold, empty bed and memories of lies.

It all happens for a reason right?  I used to believe that.  Now the only thing that fills my mind are questions that won't get answered. 

Then the question I can't even answer for myself....Why am I here? 


Saturday, February 2, 2013

I don't know when it happened.  Maybe because I've have been SO incredibly busy for the last couple of weeks, completely emotionally and physically exhausted by the end of the day with no time to think about the last few months of shit day after shit day.

Today was slow and lazy by comparison - shoveling driveway, running errands, paying bills, chores around house, picking up Tyson's crap (literally) from the yard.  

Then.... laundry.  I love the smell and feel of clean cloths. Just don't like washing them so much. (I've told you, I'm complicated).

While I was loading the laundry, thinking of the next thing I have to do before the end of the night, it hit me.  I don't miss him.

I no longer cry for him, think of him, miss him, want him... I don't even remember the last time I did.  

I don't miss my past life or what could have been for our future as a family.

What that lowlife coward did will NEVER be ok.  What he did to me, to his family, was SO WRONG.  He created a million little scars all over me, making one huge, raw mess all over my body, heart, soul.

He rearranged my past and left my future blank, dark, scary.  Leaving me to wonder if any part of my life was ever even real.  Wondering how this will effect my boys as men/fathers.  Hoping they will NEVER do this to their families.

But I'm done.  I will NEVER let that man steal one more day from me!  I will NOT spend one more day in bed crying.  NEVER spend one more day at my desk in tears, running to the bathroom before anyone notices the mess I had become. 

I will forgive him eventually because the Bible tells me so - just as Jesus has forgiven me, I must forgive him.... but not today (what can I say, I'm far from perfect).

But it's over now.  His power over me is OVER!  I'm moving on.  I no longer struggle to keep the hurt and tears from taking over my day.  I'm creating my own future. Building my own solid foundation.  

I still ache for a man in my life to love me.  What can I say, I'm lonely... no idea how long that will last. 

I do miss when my boys where little guys.  I will always miss that.  Being mom to those little monkeys and teaching them something new every day - that was the very best part of my life.  There are more memories to come.  More teaching... still to my boys and now my sweet little granddaughter, Nora (4 months).

Continuing to move on.  Trying to remember to let no one influence my level of happiness.  Each day is what I make of it.  I may not be completely happy or at peace but I'm on my way!...   life is what we make of it, after all.

Friday, February 1, 2013

People kept telling me, "Just wait until the holidays are over.  Everything will get better."

I would think, "The holidays don't matter!  I will still be alone long after all the lights and pretty ornaments have been taken down and put away".

Since then, our family's birthdays have come and gone. The holiday hustle - over.  New Year's Eve kisses.... didn't happen.  .... And I survived!  It wasn't easy.  It wasn't pretty.  I cried A LOT.  Suicide even sneaked into my thoughts. (I'll get deep on that another day)... but I'm still here.

Time moved on and the world didn't stop just because my tiny piece of it is in crumbs in the garbage.  I'm just trying my best here, putting one foot in front of the other and "moving on".  Whatever THAT means.

Today was another busy day...long, exhausting.  Then it hit me...I'm actually feeling better then I have felt in months. I feel lifted, surrounded by light and love.  I'm going to be OK.  I truly believe it now.  I can finally FEEL it in my heart.

I will be that woman I want to be.  I will be strong

I just gotta get through one more holiday.