Sunday, January 11, 2015

I’ve been through a lot these last few years.  At one point it felt as if each day came with a new nightmare, new lie, new hurt.  I lost everything I counted on, everything I believed to be true.  My happy life built on a solid foundation was really lies piled on sand.

Bad things happen to us all but as long as I had my boys and Garett…well, nothing else compared.  My family was gold.  They were my life, my happiness, my world.

Then Mason left home, as baby birds will do.  That wasn’t the hard part.  It hurts to feel as if I no longer have a place in his life.  As if he doesn’t care to make room for me in his life.  THAT, I was not ready for.  We were so close and I believed we would always be close.  But calls and texts aren’t returned.  He said he would come home for Thanksgiving but went to his wife’s aunt’s home instead and only dropped by for a short visit before returning to his home out of state.  And although my heart hurt, like The GivingTree, I understood and was grateful for the time I had with us all together.  The real hurt came with these words from him, “I don’t need anything from you”.  It was the way he said it.  As if I didn’t matter.  I have abandonment issues… hurt and betrayed by my mother, husband, best friend.  So maybe I took these words the wrong way.  Still, they hurt.

Chance still lives with me.  I cannot express how much he has been my rock through these years.  He is patient, kind and knows my pain because he lives it too.  I have told him I do not want to hold him back.  He will need to leave the nest too someday and that’s ok.  It’s what all baby birds must do.  I will be ok.

I spent a very long time in a very deep depression.  It was hard on me because it’s not my personality.  I’m annoyingly optimistic, grateful, believing I don’t need stuff or money.  I only need my family to be happy….  Then it was all gone.  I lost my husband, best friend, mother, family, security, faith, optimism.  Left with this deep depression taunting me to end my pain by ending my life…that’s how the enemy works…with lies. 

I’m ashamed to say, at one time, I believed I had nothing to be grateful for.  I hated my life.  I had so many unanswered questions.  I hurt all the time.  Truth...  Not everything was taken away.  God refused to leave me even while I yelled at Him like an ungrateful brat.

Slowly, I dusted off my keys to happiness and started to be grateful for what I do have. Life is not perfect.  Things go wrong.  But I’m now finding my way back to me and finding something good in every situation. 

I may not have everything I want today but I do have everything I need.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Just like that it was over.  He left me.  No warning.  My life changed forever.  I was no one’s wife.

I was left alone, depressed, scared.  He wasn’t just my husband; he was my best friend, lover, my world.  I trusted him with my life and he ripped it to pieces.  My past felt like a lie.  My future…unknown.

As with any huge obstacle in life, it’s best to take one day at a time, one baby step at a time. 

I went through each room cleaning floor to ceiling and wall to wall.  I wanted no trace of him at all.  At first it started out as packing up his stuff (which he never came to get). 

I then re-arranged furniture in a different place because I didn’t want him to be able to imagine our home.  And now he can’t.  Every room is different from what it was when he lived here.  He never let me move things where I wanted and it felt so good to look back at each room with satisfaction. 

I went room to room taking inventory of the things that filled my heart with joy and things that filled it with yuck.  If it didn’t bring me joy it went in the garbage.

I learned a lot about Garett while cleaning and cleansing my home.  This was not his first affair.  He had been planning to move this one here for some time.  While the bookshelf we once shared held my self help books and having a closer relationship with God and my family; his books were all get rich quick and how to make money through different means … none having to do with hard work.  There was more but I can’t bring myself to share that at this moment.

Every wall wiped down, every carpet, floor and window cleaned.  Furniture moved.  Even the toaster had a new home. 

This was the first step to putting the pieces of my life back together.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

It’s been a year since you said you made a huge mistake and want me back.  Yet you are still living with her and her kid!  Nothing about that says you love me or regret your choices.

There was a time in my life I believed EVERY word you said.  Now I know better.

I forgive you for walking out on me.  That doesn’t mean I will ever let you back into my life.  (Fool me once and all that)  Maybe if you had treated me with honesty and compassion.  Even to this day you still lie to me and about me, steal money from me… still no honesty, compassion.  So why would I want you back?

You think just because you say you love me I’m going to fall to pieces and welcome you back with open arms?  NO.  I want more than words.  I want so much more than you have ever given me. 

We were not meant to be forever… or we would still be together.  I’m not angry or trying to punish you in any way.  It’s not about you.  This is about me.  Loving myself enough not to settle.

I stopped waiting for you a long time ago.  I’m still trying to heal from all the lies.  Trying to find myself without the titles – mom, wife. 

I only want to be treated with fairness, honesty, compassion.  I want what is written in the divorce you wanted.  Please just give me the peace I have given you.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

So you’re married and it’s getting old.  Your spouse doesn’t give you the attention they once did.  It’s all about the kids, bills, work, pets, home/vehicle maintenance.  Love, affection, sex… about extinct.

Then there’s that guy/girl that laughs at everything you say, touches you, gives you attention, makes you feel good about yourself.  They listen to you.  They become a good friend, confidant.  It begins innocently …texts, emails.  It’s not cheating because there is zero physical contact… you tell yourself.

It sneaks up on you before you know it.  Texts, emails, calls, lunches, drinks, dinner, intimate conversations …you know you shouldn’t but it all feels so good.  Makes you feel wanted as a sexual human being.  You find yourself thinking of them and even while you’re with your spouse your mind is with someone else.

No one has ever made you feel as good as your new lover does.  They are fun and carefree.  No worries of kids, schedules, bills, pets, work.  Only an intense affection and sex you do not want to give up.

You owe it to yourself to be happy.  We only get one life so why shouldn’t you spend yours happy?

Because you made a vow in the presence of your family, friends and God. 

Maybe your spouse would give you the same love and attention if you gave them the same love, attention, time, texts that you are giving your lover.

Go to your spouse.  Tell them you are unhappy.  Tell them what you need.  More than likely they want and need the same.  So work together to get those kids to bed by 8, cut kid sports to one per season, slow down your schedules, don’t worry about the sink full of dishes.  Get yourselves in bed by 9.  Make time for each other at the end of each day to lie in bed and talk about your day.  You loved each other once so build on that.  Give your spouse the time you have given your lover to make you happy.

And STOP fucking that home wrecker!  If they can do it with you, they WILL do it to you!  They obviously do not value marriage vows.  So when they talk of someone at work and you question the relationship and they say, “Oh, Honey, they’re married!”  Who cares!  You were too!

You may think it’s all fun and carefree and it is… no one bitching at you to cook, clean, throw out the garbage, mow the lawn.  It’s all a good time.  But a year from now you will have the same bills on the counter, same socks in the corner and someone bitching at you to throw out the garbage or make dinner.  But you will have also hurt your children, your parents, your spouse’s parents, friends and family.

Before you hurt all the people in your life, TRY to fix your marriage.

You did everything you could to make your marriage right.  Nothing has changed.  As you end your marriage treat your spouse with the honesty, kindness, and compassion that you want from them.