When did THAT Happen?

I don't know when it happened.  Maybe because I've have been SO incredibly busy for the last couple of weeks, completely emotionally and physically exhausted by the end of the day with no time to think about the last few months of shit day after shit day.

Today was slow and lazy by comparison - shoveling driveway, running errands, paying bills, chores around house, picking up Tyson's crap (literally) from the yard.  

Then.... laundry.  I love the smell and feel of clean cloths. Just don't like washing them so much. (I've told you, I'm complicated).

While I was loading the laundry, thinking of the next thing I have to do before the end of the night, it hit me.  I don't miss him.

I no longer cry for him, think of him, miss him, want him... I don't even remember the last time I did.  

I don't miss my past life or what could have been for our future as a family.

What that lowlife coward did will NEVER be ok.  What he did to me, to his family, was SO WRONG.  He created a million little scars all over me, making one huge, raw mess all over my body, heart, soul.

He rearranged my past and left my future blank, dark, scary.  Leaving me to wonder if any part of my life was ever even real.  Wondering how this will effect my boys as men/fathers.  Hoping they will NEVER do this to their families.

But I'm done.  I will NEVER let that man steal one more day from me!  I will NOT spend one more day in bed crying.  NEVER spend one more day at my desk in tears, running to the bathroom before anyone notices the mess I had become. 

I will forgive him eventually because the Bible tells me so - just as Jesus has forgiven me, I must forgive him.... but not today (what can I say, I'm far from perfect).

But it's over now.  His power over me is OVER!  I'm moving on.  I no longer struggle to keep the hurt and tears from taking over my day.  I'm creating my own future. Building my own solid foundation.  

I still ache for a man in my life to love me.  What can I say, I'm lonely... no idea how long that will last. 

I do miss when my boys where little guys.  I will always miss that.  Being mom to those little monkeys and teaching them something new every day - that was the very best part of my life.  There are more memories to come.  More teaching... still to my boys and now my sweet little granddaughter, Nora (4 months).

Continuing to move on.  Trying to remember to let no one influence my level of happiness.  Each day is what I make of it.  I may not be completely happy or at peace but I'm on my way!...   life is what we make of it, after all.

Another Holiday

People kept telling me, "Just wait until the holidays are over.  Everything will get better."

I would think, "The holidays don't matter!  I will still be alone long after all the lights and pretty ornaments have been taken down and put away".

Since then, our family's birthdays have come and gone. The holiday hustle - over.  New Year's Eve kisses.... didn't happen.  .... And I survived!  It wasn't easy.  It wasn't pretty.  I cried A LOT.  Suicide even sneaked into my thoughts. (I'll get deep on that another day)... but I'm still here.

Time moved on and the world didn't stop just because my tiny piece of it is in crumbs in the garbage.  I'm just trying my best here, putting one foot in front of the other and "moving on".  Whatever THAT means.

Today was another busy day...long, exhausting.  Then it hit me...I'm actually feeling better then I have felt in months. I feel lifted, surrounded by light and love.  I'm going to be OK.  I truly believe it now.  I can finally FEEL it in my heart.

I will be that woman I want to be.  I will be strong. 

I just gotta get through one more holiday.

Almost 7 Months

It's kinda late.  I should be in bed.  Had a long day.

Actually, it's been a really long week... few months.  I don't know.  

Kinda rambling as I'm a bit exhausted.  These past few weeks have been a bit crazy busy.  You know, I miss my boring days.  I wonder if life will ever be peaceful and boring again.

I had a late night at work (conferences).  I got to see a lot of people.  People asking how things are going.  Wish I had something great to tell people.... like a new love, job... lotto win... something GOOD.  But nah, it's just the same shit.

I am feeling better though.  That's actually BIG news as I've been really sick and sad for a long time.  Tonight made me realize what my brother has been telling me for months - I need to get out of the house and start seeing people socially.

I'm a home body.  I enjoy being at home...quiet, lazy days. 

These walls hold my past.  It was beautiful.  It will always be back there to peek at every now and then.

But if I'm to have all my heart desires, I need to start picking myself up and moving on.  Who knows, maybe I'll find a guy who loves being a home body too.... I just gotta LEAVE home to find him first.

Depression So Deep

I’ll never understand where I went wrong.  I loved my life.  I was a kick ass mom, a good wife.  A faithful woman.  I raised good men.  Have a clean home.  Good cook. 

Never would I have believed I was married to a deadbeat dad.  I STILL can’t believe he was lying and cheating for over a year and could just walk out and walk away without a glance back.

Although I am over him and do not want him back in any way, I’m not over the betrayal.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get over all the lies and sudden abandonment.  I don’t know if I can ever get over him not being there for me when I needed him.

How can I ever trust my own instincts again?  Betrayed by a man who has known me for over half my life and I never saw it coming.  A man I loved with all my heart.  A man I believed in with every part of myself. 

Used by my mother, yet again.  The one person in the world who is supposed to love and protect you with all that they are.

Broken down by these two people.  The most important people.  People who should have stood by me no matter what.

So I start thinking… It must be ME.  What did I do so wrong?  I must have done something terrible for these two people to hurt me so badly.  I must be a truly awful human being. 

Maybe I did nothing.  Maybe I’m just not worthy of love. 

I’m scared that is the real truth.  Unloved, unwanted, and I will spend the rest of my life alone. 

I don’t even know how I’m going to take care of myself.  I’m not afraid of hard work.  I’m afraid of not being able to find work.  I've been looking for another job with no luck.

Everything that meant everything to me is gone.  Mason, Mandy and Nora are now living in Ohio.  It’s as if Garett never existed.  Chance is planning his future (as he should) and excited to be leaving the nest as soon as he graduates this spring.

Left with this empty, lonely feeling.  This deep depression. 

Wondering who am I?  Not a mom of boys.  Not a wife.  Not … anything.  What am I doing here?